Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a new regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: My Dinner with Andre areola.

The breastaurant is a baffling concept: a boob-themed restaurant. A restaurant where the servers are human women with breasts. An eatplace about tits. People going to breastaurants: you know strip clubs exist, right? And they have buffets? Women working at breastaurants: good for you. Bleed the beast. Up top.

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The main breastaurant chains in the United States are Hooters, the Tilted Kilt, Twin Peaks, and probably a few others, if I’d cared enough to do more than ten minutes of reading. Not surprisingly, the Yelp reviews of these places can be a special kind of grim. They are, by and large, penned by the type of person who believes that not only is it their right to eat endless chicken wings, but the lady bringing those wing better be hot, dammit, and those jugs better be awesome, so help me God, and that woman better be thrilled that I’m eyeing her rack and/or posterior. People who expect your service workers to fawn at your feet so much that you prefer places that require it of them: you are no small part of what’s wrong with America.

Grim Yelp reviews of these booberies can be divided into three broad complaint categories: subpar boobs, insufficient overall hotness, and wings. As with our Yelp reviews of boardwalks, everyone who wrote each of these reviews is just flat-out awful and incorrect. Sometimes there’s a little wiggle room. Sometimes the Yelper has a point or two. Not this week. God, no.

Usually, to protect the names of the innocent and not-so-innocent alike, we redact the names of the businesses, as well as the identities of the Yelpers who wrote the reviews. We didn’t do that with restaurant names this time. These are chains. There are a jillion of them. Let’s just do this.

Subpar Boobs

Weep for this poor man, who did not see the requisite number of boobs:

Hooters?! More like false advertisement! I was looking, believe me I was looking, & i did not see any ta-tas. I’ve been to many Hooters locations & most of the waitresses are hotties with a body but [City] hired girls (not women) without any assets at all.

Uh. Did you... did you think that you could touch them? Why would you think that, man?

Boobs I can’t touch aren’t worth that much to me. Only the aesthetics bumped this place to two stars.

On the flip side, we have this dude, who went to a tit restaurant and complained about all the tits. Just another fun reminder that women can’t win no matter what we do.

And this lady, who has opinions about other people’s bras, I guess:

will not be adding this to possible lunch destination.Also, at least one of the waitress’ was wearing undergarments that were several sizes too small. i get that the place is called hooters and you want them on display, but you should only have 1 pair, not quad.

Insufficient Hotness

How dare my server not fit my exact definition of smokin’, squeals this agonized little dude?

Well, I would say that I was not impressed by that one.Got fairly poor service. But the biggest problem for hooters in Wilmington is that most of the girls working in other restaurants are really cute. So hooters girls doesn’t seems that attractive moreover when the service is not good ;)Lately, I started to see a pattern in most hooters restaurants: girls seems to just don’t care about you if you’re not in your 50s. They will just avoid you, even not checking for refill to spend their time with those old boys that problably [sic] pay as much for the tip than the bill (just guessing).

Makeup and body piercings and tattoos? Where in God’s name are scarlet letters when you really need them?

The place is well designed with a lot of great TVs. The food is typical bar food. The service was horrible! The food cold, brought out at different times....some in our party were finishing their meal as others hadn’t gotten theirs. And it’s not a friendly environment but loaded up with silicone and attitude. So what, you have two globes on your chest that’s not why I tip. Lots of tats, body piercings and makeup applied with a putty knife. I won’t return.

This review is remarkable in that every goddamn word bums me out.

You would think that a Hooters in Hollywood, in one of the most fake cities in the world, would have hot girls, right? I’m writing this review because I listened to a couple girls chat this weekend about Hooters, when they suddenly realized that they both had worked at one when they were younger. They never got to work the good shifts because they had small boobs. These were pretty cute skinny girls, and they were 18 at the time, so I figured that maybe the Hooters they worked at actually had hot girls.This is the only Hooters I’ve ever been to.

I expected the food to be bad (which it was) because you don’t go to Hooters to eat food. “The chicken wings are really good” is just an excuse to tell your girlfriend who you are going. But man, there are not cute girls working here! They’re short, have beer bellies and flabby arms, and don’t do any cool sexy Hooters moves that supposedly girls in other Hooters do.

What a disappointment.

But women aren’t exempt from sucking either, as we all well know. An awful lot of these breastaurant reviews are from women loudly proclaiming how “ugly” the waitresses are.

I don’t think you’re insecure, I just think you’re an asshole:

Let me preface this review by saying that I am, in no way shape or form, insecure or intimidated by the women at Hooters. I mean, if a flat ass shoved into tight florescent orange “hazard” hot pants and perky not-really real-boobs are your thing; good for you. I happen to appreciate a beautiful woman; when ever I encounter one. But the wanna-be porno look is not my bag — especially when she is serving me hot wings and celery sticks.

The fun thing about this review is how one word lets me know that I’m dealing with a real shitheel:

Overall the food wasn’t great to my taste, but not horrible. Beer was cold. Service was like dealing with a retard. Oh, and what is with girls getting tattoos on their sides?

Wings

OK, fine, this Yelper isn’t totally wrong. That’s a little gross.

We ordered our drinks and wings (after having to wait a while for the waitress). About 15 minutes later, a different waitress brought our wings and quickly walked away. That’s when we noticed they brought out the boneless ones instead of the normal ones that we ordered. My wife tasted one and put it back because it had the hot sauce on it (we had ordered ours to have the sauce on the side). About 10 minutes later, the same waitress that brought the boneless order appeared with our plate of wings, apologized for bringing us somebody else’s order, and switched plates. So another customer was now eating the boneless wings that we had already touched and partially eaten. It appeared as if our order was “touch free”, so we ate them.

Pretty grim! Until next time, shut up, tip your server well and don’t be a flaming trashpile of a human being.

Image via Shutterstock.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.

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