Jezebel: Wonkette

"I'm Not A Racist" Says 90-Year-Old Racist Woman To "Colored Man"

Katy Kelleher — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 12:22:00 EDT

A very, very old racist lady recently called in to C-Span to ask why everyone hasn't gotten over "the slavery" thing yet. But don't worry, she's not a racist—she probably even has a few "colored" friends herself. More »

Good God

Anna Holmes — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 17:20:00 EDT

No words, but Wonkette commenter Suds McKenzie has a few: "This is deranged I can believe in." [Wonkette] More »

Sarah Palin's Possible Breast Implants Prompt Thoughtful Discussion

Jessica Coen — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 13:00:00 EDT

In the female-celebrity life cycle, the discussion of surgical enhancements is but an inevitability. Sarah Palin and her breasts are by no means exempt from this universal law. More »

[Michelle's Momma] Don't Practice Santeria/ [She] Ain't Got No Crystal Ball

LatoyaPeterson — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:40:00 EDT

You cannot make this shit up. Wonkette cracked on a birther's hastily written Townhall screed which accused Michelle Obama's mother of practicing witchcraft at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The birther wrote back, apparently trying to hit a triple-crazy-score. More »

Oh Jesus, Don't, Like, Most People Suffer Existential Crises When They Get Fired?

Moe — Thu, 29 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

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You know how yesterday I said What Happened was a good name for the Scott McClellan book? Yeah well WTF would have obviously been better. So anyway: Day Two of Scott McClellan WTF patrol. This morning he went on Today and seemed pretty fucking sincere. Of course, high-minded idealists such as the New York Times editorial board and Dan Bartlett think he's full of "total crap". But like, how weird is it, really, that a dude would spend six years being alternately (simultaneously) brainwashed and publicly debased by the Most Cynical And Singlemindedly Power-Greedy Not To Mention Idiotic Group Of People In the Universe, then get released and have a bunch of second thoughts about the whole thing? No one gets mad when the FLDS wives do it! Seriously, if you can emerge from such a job in such an Administration without suffering an existential crisis, what does that say about you? That and who Obama should pick for VP — not Jim Webb — and whatever happened to that crazy anti-war weapons inspector, with me and Megan after the jump. More »

Can Reggie Love Hold His Roofies?

Moe — Wed, 28 May 2008 12:45:00 EDT

Yesterday in Crappy Hour we totally labored over an epic piece on shifting philosophies inside the jihadist movement, but all the regular readers wanted to do was objectify the opposite sex, so in case you missed it, here's a link again to that 9-page photo album of Barack Obama's somewhat handsome aide Reggie Love. Well, yesterday a reader sent us a tenth picture that really completes the whole album. (Click the pic!) We looked at it, immediately thought of making some DrunkenStepfather type joke in the interest of upholding Title IX, then decided to…take another stroll through the photo album. Dude. That's what I'm talking about. [Truth About Duke] More »

War Is Hell, But Troops Are Hot!

Moe — Tue, 27 May 2008 10:30:00 EDT

Welcome back reader(s.) While you were drinking Bloody Marys to soothe the damage inflicted by your spirited displays of appreciation for our troops and/or the house you bought last year, this guy was fighting the Taliban. Yes there are still 34,000 American troops doing that! But supposedly, this time, they are winning, which would sort of lend credence to Bill Kristol's assertion that the media is covering up the inspiring success story that is the war, which is sort of why I don't really buy it, since Bill Kristol's assertions about media cover ups are probably about as grounded in reality as Bill Clinton's assertions about media cover ups, which is to say: yesterday Bill Clinton said the media was covering up the fact that Obama can't win. This stands in contrast to Hillary, who thinks he might win as long as he doesn't get assassinated first like back in 1968, the year two Egyptian med school students met and formed the modern-day jihad movement. Much has changed since then, as stories in this week's New Yorker and New Republic about jihadists' disenchantment with killing people will illuminate (also for instance, Megan and I were born.) So your life could be complete upon clicking through to the jump! More »

"I Know: Barf." Truer Words Were Never Syndicated, Peggy!

Moe — Fri, 23 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

"I know: Barf," writes Peggy Noonan in today's Journal, in the only good thing about having to do this crap the Friday before Memorial Day weekend and after another night of pointless inebriation. "One wants to be sympathetic to Mrs. Clinton at this point, if for no other reason than to show one's range," she continues, but then she's all, "Fuck that; the only thing I still believe from the Reagan era is that Geraldine Ferraro is an asshole, click Bill Kristol for 'range,' motherfuckers!" Megan and I parse Peggy's latest effort, Sex and the Sissy, and also talk crazy preachers, Bobby Jindal, why that Obama and the Jews story's placement in the top position on the Times Most Emailed List is not reflective of any actual electoral trends, and finally: Hillary as VP…is that really what we want? I know: Barf. More »

Hillary Explains How Obama Is Sort Of Like An African Dictator

Moe — Thu, 22 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Hillary Clinton just compared the disenfranchisement of voters in those two states that chose to disenfranchise their primary voters to the disenfranchisement of voters in Zimbabwe. Thanks Hills! I thought I drank away all my capacity for nuance last night but I can still sorta see how that might piss some people off. And speaking of piss! R. Kelly's lawyers are trying to convince a jury that he only digitally golden-showered that girl, Karl Rove is advising Barack Obama in the great game of diplomacy, and speaking of the Game, Al Sharpton denies Dr. Dre's charges that he blackmailed the two of them. All that plus something about how China is to blame for oil prices being so high and Jack Cafferty is to blame for them hating us there as Megan navigates the murky waters of the day's news and I try to follow, after the jump. More »

Geraldine Ferraro: You = What The Media Needs To Start Ignoring

Moe — Wed, 21 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

GODDAMMIT GERALDINE, you just had to drag me back down into your withering wackjob abyss. I said I was never going to post about the Clinton campaign and sexism, since more than 12 out of 12 Clinton campaign surrogates agree that's not why she lost to Obama (despite that, congrats on winning Kentucky yesterday!), and then you go on Fox News and tell Shep Smith that Bob Herbert is a "black journalist who is a surrogate for Obama" on the basis that he is an unremitting misogynist who "hasn't had anything nice to say about Hillary in the last six months." Well, Geraldine, your charge that the media ignores sexism brought me back to a column I read about five months ago. "If there was ever a story that deserved more coverage by the news media," it opined, "it’s the dark persistence of misogyny in America." Well, if it wasn't written by BOB HERBERT himself! Not that you'd bother reading the writings of such a blatant token with a political leanings so simpleminded he would support a candidate solely on the basis of a shared RACE. Anyway, that and oil prices, Hezbollah, a new World Bank report and how come there are no black people in Kentucky with Megan and (a somewhat irate) me after the jump. More »

Hillary And American Sexism…Really Guys? Still?

Moe — Tue, 20 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

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On Sunday, George Will wrote a column arguing that Hillary's loss is its own proof that sexism wasn't the reason she lost. Hmmm, illogical-sounding! And yet compelling nonetheless. Because thanks to TNR I had just read a collection of thirty-something thoughts culled from more than a dozen anonymous emails from Clinton campaign staffers and fundraisers and high-level supporters, and I don't remember "sexism" coming up once. So I hit Ctrl-F, just to make sure. Nope! None for "sexist" or "misogyny-" either! Women are still ticked off about how she was treated, about Sweetiegate and Whoregate, but at the end of the day, whatever, it is not why she lost. And Ahmadinejad is bad, but he is neither Hitler nor Krushchev, and energy independence would be nice, but the $370 billion farm bill that enriches agribusiness only by starving some billions of the world's poor only sounds like a good way to achieve it relative to a trillion dollar war. And so I find myself in the position today of agreeing with George Will and David Brooks and Bob Herbert all at once. Let's get serious, guys! I think we've been frivolous for so long it's finally gotten boring. More »

Bigger Than Burning Man.

Moe — Mon, 19 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Seventy five thousand people showed up to see Obama's biggest yet speech in Portland, Oregon yesterday. Firstly, that represents something like one-seventh the entire population of Portland and undoubtedly the biggest-ever congregation of fixed-gear bicycles. In fact, the crowd was bigger than pretty much any outdoor rock concert including Burning Man (though not including the Stones at Altamont Speedway) and it was in a city, a city we can only imagine smells kind of awful right now, if only because the coffee in Portland lends itself to really foul shits. Anyway, a friend of mine used to call Portland "White People Gone Wild." It is not such a terrible shock this crowd digs Obama. So as this woeful chapter in our nation's history concludes I can only hope the WPGW contingent will stop saying ludicrous things like the election of John McCain would be "eight more years" of Bush. To say such a thing cheapens the trauma of the World's Worst Presidency and further tries our almost thoroughly bankrupt national capacity for nuance, a capacity Obama is trying to restore. That and lots more with Megan and I, after the jump. More »

Meet Italian Cabinet Member Mara Carfagna, A Woman Of Many, Um, Parts

Moe — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:40:00 EDT

Usually when my little brother sends me tips they have to do with the idiocy of Bush or organized religion or... well anyway, to get to the point, I was somewhat baffled when he sent me a link to this picture on a German website. I clicked about as far as here before I was just like "We're all always searching for new sources of free porn but um now's not the time, broseph!" But as it turns out, this is a serious issue! Meet Mara Carfagna, Silvio Berlusconi's new Minister Of Equal Opportunities. A lot of hands have been wrung over why the Italians would vote for that guy again — aside, you know, from his whole King of all media thing — but until now we did not really realize he had such inspired brain trust. See, Mara Carfagna — rhymes with Barack Obama! — is one of those transcendent politicians whose rich and varied biography gives her a persona that can resonate with anyone. A photo essay of Hope (and humps!) after the jump. More »

Hillary = Not Exactly The Loser Here, People!

Moe — Fri, 16 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

You've all been sending us this think piece from today's Washington Post about how everyone feels so sorry for Hillary Clinton because she reminds men of their first wives. AYE DE MI ENVIA LOS BONERKILLERS! (BOEHNERKILLERS?) So yeah, I Nexis-ed that, and guess what? Republican pollster Frank Luntz said this TWELVE YEARS AGO. Twelve years ago as in, when Lush was on the radio. As in, more than a decade before a preponderantly Republican-appointed court decided banning gay marriage was unamerican, before a certain first wife's gasbag ex-husband devoted a decade of his life to reexamining the life and character of Hillary Clinton, and 12 years before Peggy Noonan pointed out, as she did today, that "Republicans are losing because they are losers." Megan and I cosign after the jump. More »

John McCain: Yeah, Maybe Just Let This Guy Be President

Moe — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Bummertown Thursday, dudes. There's a death toll of 20,000 in China, some 2 million displaced people in Burma (and a newly-passed referendum ensures they will all remain comprehensively and brutally oppressed!) and longest and most depressing of all, a not brief Times cover story on John McCain and All The Places In The World That Have Sucked Since The Seventies. "I'd rather lose an election than a war," he says, which kind of hits the nail on the head; with apologies to Lauryn Hill, we might win some but we really lost one, and maybe Creighton Abrams was the right guy at the wrong time and maybe that's just how it rolls in these war situations but whatever happens the next few years, Dreamy Team or no, are going to continue sucking. SinisterRouge is doing penance, Jim McGreevey's entering the seminary, and "sweetiegate", and the Anna Nicole autopsy report-inspired cocktail of psychotropic drugs the Department of Homeland Security is currently feeding deportees, are all discussed by me and cynical Megan after the jump. More »

Obama Is Winning Because Hipsters Stopped Hating Gwyneth Paltrow

Moe — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

I'm sick of fine presidents and good presidents and mediocre presidents. I'm sick of Rutherford B. Hayes and James Buchanan and Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore. We got Barack Obama! Barack Obama, for crying out loud!

Your Jewish Mom Is Going To Have A Crush On Obama

Moe — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Life, an esteemed Glamocracy editor said to me today, "is a suicidal act. It is just a more masochistic suicide than average." What differentiates us, then, is nothing but the barely visible variations of degree to which we flatter ourselves into thinking we are the navigators of that masochism, when really our parents are the only ones who can do that. So! Barack Obama's mom was smart enough to follow spent the summer after their years in Muslimstan with a stint a Jew-y summer camp! Barry read Philip Roth and the Talmud and learned to love Israel in theory. (The "in rationalist political expediency" love came later.) Oh yeah, and tonight Hillary Clinton is about to win a pointless landslide in West Virginia. And the rest of the world...well, it's trapped under the rubble of thirty seismic jolts or newly released from the Kafkaesque numerical metaphor that is the state of being a 20th hijacker, but whatevs. We tell ourselves stories in order to assist our own suicides as they say after the jump! More »

It Was A Nice Day For A White Voter

Moe — Mon, 12 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Welcome back kids! How was el fin de semana? Because it sure sucked for a lot of our overseas amigos! A devastating earthquake on the scale of an earthquake that killed a quarter million people in 1976 just rocked China's Sichuan province; Burma's totalitarian military junta decided to grant itself unlimited totalitarian power and all the donated rice; no one can really protest the junta since they are mostly all dead and/or starving to death anyway; hopefully Jenna Bush did the sensitive thing and refrained from throwing rice at her wedding; two John McCain advisers did the sensitive thing and stepped down when it turned out they'd actually taken three hundred grand from the junta for PR services. Bob Barr and Ron Paul both launched separate attempts to do what voters are already doing anyway and sink McCain's campaign; Michelle Obama is nixin Hillary as a running mate (according to Bob Novak?!) and speaking of Nixon, there's a new book on him and the white voters who elected him and we read all about it sorta. All that and a Vito Fossella primer ATJ. More »

Hillary Wins Another Primary!

Moe — Wed, 07 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Done and done and done and yup, even the Wall Street Journal thinks done. Hillary officially halted her frenzied schedule of telling the cable newsiverse how Good she feels and what a Good Time she's having and how Good it feels to be taking policy advice from Joe Sixpack etc. etc. And how did Obama do it? And how did Peggy Noonan know?? We'd rather talk about Burma and Putin Jr. and the insane San Diego fraternity coke bust, but Megan and I will try to talk "delegate math" and the surreal CNN comment that gave us both inexplicable sex dreams after the jump. More »

Barack Obama Doesn't Look Too Psyched About That Beer

Moe — Tue, 06 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

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Fifty thousand people are dead or close to it in Burma, and Barack Obama can state unequivocally that he does not drink designer beer. Seventy five percent of American adults will at some point be impoverished. The average American car owner really must save $30 this summer. Chris Hitchens believes Barack Obama may be pussy-whipped. Ellen Page believes Burmese dictator Than Shwe is a modern Hitler. And when tomorrow comes, Terry McAuliffe believes everyone will be saying that Hillary Clinton did better than they thought she was going to do in both the North Carolina and Indiana primaries tonight. Now there's a statement Glamocracy Megan and I can get behind! After the jump, an unusually hip-hop laden edition of Crappy Hour. More »

Future VP Bobby Jindal's College Girlfriend Possessed By Satan? Or Just Horny?

Moe — Mon, 05 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Meet Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal! He's the frontrunner to be the running mate to the presidential candidate closest to death, so it will surely please you to know that, in his brief 36-year life, he has endured many difficult things, including the presence of SATAN HIMSELF. Well, it was either Satan, or a melodramatic college junior whose desire to fuck him made him worry he was gay or something. But we're going to go with Satan, since he's running for vice president, and what better proof that the Devil Remains At Large than the current holder of the vice presidency? That said Bobby's story, written about an episode that took place while he was a rather Jesus-y undergrad at Brown University, sounds a little too much like an emotionally unavailable twentysomething dude's account of a relationship with girl with "drama" to be quite convincing.Watch Glamocracy Megan and I parse Bobby Jindal's satanic verses — and the gas tax holiday bullshit! — after the jump. Seriously, it is so much awesomer than Kucinich with the UFO. More »

Did Hillary's Appearance On O'Reilly Actually Make Me Like Her More?

Moe — Fri, 02 May 2008 10:30:00 EDT

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Fox is the only news channel that gets any audio on my cable box. This is something, like the interminable nature of this campaign, I generally regard as a negative. But yesterday I had a revelation. See, Hillary Clinton just went on Bill O'Reilly, and when they aren't rerunning clips of the really boring interview, the Fox News talking heads are creaming their pants over how well she's held up, what a "fighter" she is, etc. And it hit me: has Hillary Clinton's stubborn refusal to drop out maybe been good for America? All the phony, cynical and self-serving praise she's had heaped upon her pantsuited self from Rush and Ann and the Weekly Standard and the "Fair And Balanced" regime has started, ever so gradually, to convert into something genuine: respect. Anyway, The Indianapolis Star just endorsed Hillary, a Baptist minister got ushered out by Secret Service for asking John McCain if he really called his wife a "cunt", and Barack Obama drank shit beer at a VFW and the whole thing has lasted so long it's starting to feel like life itself, and Megan and I decided to look at it on the beer-glass half-full side today. More »

Cindy McCain's Marriage Is Not Exactly A 'Straight Talk Express'

Anna Holmes — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:30:00 EDT

Potential First Lady/onetime pill-popper Cindy McCain hit up Leno last night, appearing elegant in a canary-yellow pantsuit (shades of Hillary?) and eager to talk about her husband's candidacy, including concern over his advanced age and her family's reaction to his repeated presidential run. Cindy was agreeable enough, but over the course of the 12-minute interview (quite long for Leno) we noticed a theme began emerging: that of deceit in the McCain marriage. From lying about her age, taking pilot lessons and drug use, Cindy has quite the chronicle of tall tales! Clip above. More »

Good Morning, Voters! I'm Calling On Behalf Of "Women Voices." If You Are Confused, My Mission Is Accomplished!

Moe — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

In which we adopt the persona of Women's Voices. Women Vote robocaller and misinformation chief Lamont Williams, if he only had a voice.

7 Reasons This Is Not A Recession

Moe — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Surely you've heard by now but we'll pat our aching, aging backs one more time because we're just so elated — America is NOT IN A RECESSION! The American Gross Domestic Product actually grew last quarter, which was a huge disappointment to the whining Marxist doomsayers so intent on making Americans forget they are living in the greatest civilization that ever danced with the stars. Well, we've seen the data, Americans. We've scanned the fine print and scoured the blogosphere so you wouldn't have to, and we are here to tell you: it's true. The American economy grew last quarter, and we know exactly why. So don't listen to the haters! In lieu of the usual evening news roundup, Jezebel is here to bring you the seven reasons this great nation is still on the upswing. More »

Anne Lamott Tells Stephen Colbert That God Is, In Fact, A 'She'

Anna Holmes — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Writer Anne Lamott — whose 1994 book Bird by Bird is well-known and much-loved by millions of frustrated, (mostly female?) writers — appeared in all her dreadlocked-glory on last night's Colbert Report to plug her new book Grace, Eventually, and talk politics, Sunday school, Jeremiah Wright and the fact that God is a female. Strangely, she seemed to back away from that assertion after Colbert called her out on it, but she did get in a good dig at Dick Cheney and his ascension into Heaven. Clip above. More »

Dear Gitmo Residents, How About We Wake You Up When This Jeremiah Wright Crap Is Over?

Moe — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Dear Osama Bin Laden's former driver Salim Hamdan: you had the right idea, sleeping through your court appearance this morning. Seven years you've resided in Guantanamo, yet somehow the Pyrrhic victories you score against the idiocracy do not cease. You won a Supreme Court case against one of the most loathed men in the most loathed presidency in US history; then the guards moved you into solitary confinement. Your empathetic lawyer was named one of the 100 most influential in America; then he got fired from the Navy. Outside your cell walls yesterday George W. Bush heaped new praise on ethanol subsidies and gas tax relief and the World Bank President wondered whether we were really opting to feed our cars before we fed our stomachs. (The answer to that is yes.) So yeah, we'll wake you when the world is just a little less absurd. Till then Megan and I will parse Jeremiah Wright and whether "pansy" is a gay slur and all that usual crap we do after the jump. More »

Dear Barry: We Agree, Please Just Start Smoking Again (Just Not Menthols)

Moe — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Today, TheRoot made the courageous call no other news outlet, mainstream or meme-stream, has had the foresight (or clear-eyed grasp of the myriad complexities of the current era) to do, and penned an open letter to Michelle Obama requesting an indulgence so Barack can have a fucking cigarette."Think about the pure gold of 'Barack outside smoking with the boys,' like he surely used to do, talking sports with the friendly janitors who were having a smoke outside the University of Chicago Law School," Paul Devlin writes, reasoning that a few smokes might even help him win over white voters. "If Hillary had stopped smoking, believe me, she'd have started again (and denied she ever stopped), and then reminisced about her smoking breaks with the gals back when she worked as a hair-netted cafeteria lady in a Terre Haute elementary school." There are many other reasons we could add to the list of Reasons To Light Up, starting with the recent revelation that Jeremiah Wright is a fucking underminer, and that self-professed "liberal" Chinese students in the United States are turning increasingly nationalistic. Megan and I list a few others after the jump, but only because it gives me an excuse to light up a cigarette. More »

"Eight Years Ago You Promised To Restore Dignity To The White House...Brilliant Appearance On Deal Or No Deal!

Moe — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

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Gaiety! Bacchanalia! Food shortages! The White House Correspondents Dinner happened over the weekend. "One of the most hideous events I've ever been to," decreed Ruper Everett (of the cinematic gem The Next-Best Thing. Megan went. So did Heidi and Spencer and Pete Wentz. Megan recognized Donatella Versace, but not Ashlee Simpson. Lauren Conrad grew "awesome bangs." Glamocracy reigned, so to speak, and not just in Washington; I went to a lovely wedding! Prince performed at Coachella! And the rest of the world continued to fast and fester under the weight of wrongheaded economic policies that systematically placed risk of reckless neocons and Wall Street plutocrats on the shoulders of taxpayers, undermining capitalism's every last virtue and then some. That and Jeremiah Wright speaks, Bill Clinton's Obama hate is deconstructed, a brief discussion of the Laffer Curve, after the jump. More »

Dalai "Clique" Scores Major Date To Chinese Party!

Moe — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Here's a ray of sunshine to anyone who ever wondered if their massive personal reserves of good karma were never going to amount to anything: the Dalai Lama just scored a meeting with the government that excommunicated him in 1959! Oh sure, and the cops who killed that nice unarmed electrician the day before his wedding got acquitted, Mugabe is doing everything in his power to undermine the will of his electorate and McCain wants to cut taxes, but sometimes you just gotta ignore the haters and say to yourself, "It's Friday, y'all! And guess who's going to China? The DALAI FUCKIN LAMA." Megan and I discuss what the Dalai Lama was like in high school, and the accuracy of the Hillary as Tracy Flick meme, ATJ. More »

Which Politicians Do Your Favorite Mall Retailers Really Support?

Moe — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:30:00 EDT

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We still don't know who those Abercrombie-wearing toolbelts at the Barack Obama speech were. But we do, thanks to the media's dogged refusal to back away from this story, know they weren't sent by Abercrombie & Fitch. Employees of the world's worst company only gave a total of $500 to the Obama campaign, and that was the donation of a single employee. We checked campaign finance records to find out what sort of political agendas you are really supporting when you don a retailer's sweatshop-manufactured logo T-shirt. We did the math on Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, Barney's and J. Crew so you wouldn't have to be reminded how much you suck at basic arithmetic! More »

Photoshop of Horrors?

Moe — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:20:00 EDT

Like most first daughters (and humans) Jenna Bush has yo-yoed over the years, and everyone likes to deprive themselves in advance of nuptials. But this pic from the May Vogue sounded all our internal "Holy Liquefy!" alarms. So we collected a bunch of recent Jenna pics and leave the fat content Kremlinology to you: airbrush diet? Or has Jenna Bush become Ana Bush? Click the pic for the gallery. (And click it again to enlarge the Vogue pic.) More »

Sure, Hillary Won Pennsylvania, But Barry Nabbed The Hateful Ignorant Fratboy Demographic!

Moe — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

They are known to let dead people come back to vote for ward leader in Philadelphia, but when I arrived at my polling place of the last two elections yesterday, I found my name mysteriously removed from the rolls. My friend and South Philadelphia homeowner Ryan, meanwhile, got turned away for not being a Democrat, even though he changed his registration the last time he realized the Green Party was lame during last year's mayoral primary. Look: the last machine still running in Pennsylvania runs its voters. Hillary was going to win that. No one on Crappy Hour ever predicted Barack was going to carry this, or even get close, or if we did it was a joke or we were too hungover to know what we were doing, obvi. So I'm not really that mad about Barry's inability to "close the deal." I am, however, kind of baffled by the Abercrombie & Fitch thing. From blind gayvotion to NAFTA to centimillionaire executive pay packages to endemic racism to bland pointless predictability Abercrombie is the epitome of everything about the America that is not "ready" for a black Muslimy Marxist freethinking president. Were those the best white kids you could find, Axelrod? That and more minutiae with me and a very hungover Megan after the jump. More »

Why He Stopped Calling: The Definitive Guide, Brought To You By Ex Hillary Supporters

Moe — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Someone recently directed our attention to a service called "Why Was I Dissed", which claims to help achieve relationship closure by email-harassing "that guy who disappeared" into confessing the reason for his disappearance. But why torture ourselves (and "that guy") when we can learn the truth from the missives of all the Democratic voters currently clamoring for the opportunity to achieve closure from Hillary Clinton? That's right, friends, Web 2.0 has also spawned Nice Try, Give Up, a series of breakup letters by supposed ex-supporters of the junior New York senator that, taken together, provide a comprehensive list of the reasons girls get dissed, a list that any reasonably self-aware woman can probably apply to her own trampled unions and save herself the humiliation of actually having to ask. More »

Would It Kill These Candidates To Eat A Frickin Cheesesteak?

Moe — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Readers, this campaign season we've borne witness to many things. The rebirth of the word "trollop" and Ann Coulter endorsing Hillary...Geraldine Ferrarro fell victim to racism, and now Bill Clinton telling us Obama used their vast race card conspiracy against him too; he's got memos to prove it. We've learned about Obama's brother in China and Hillary's brothers from Retardville. We've watched Hillary throw back shots like a drunk sorority girl and promise to totally obliterate Iran like a drunk frat guy. We've seen Barack Obama reference Faulkner, Marx and Jay-Z like some consciousness-raising enlightened hip-hop dude who gets laid way too often for you to trust him entirely. But readers, for six weeks we have been stuck in this state, a state so authentically lowbrow it gets away with calling its homeless shelters overnight cafes, and somehow we have yet to see a presidential candidate eat a fucking cheesesteak. So Megan and I are off to do that now (oh, yum) and vote, but not before gracing you with this morning's riveting IM exchange. More »

We're Headed To Philly Tonight!

Moe — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Megan and I are convening in Murderdelphia tonight for tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary! This morning a seven-alarm fire reminded everyone once more there used to be an economy there. Now there are too many vacant buildings and not enough crackheads to fill them. Five murders happened over the weekend in Philly. Chelsea Clinton submitted her ass to a fag hag gang grope. Michael Moore endorsed Barack Obama. The railroad industry made a comeback. The Pope made some speeches. Jeremiah Wright is going on TV. Some Republican told other Republicans to forget Reagan. Jimmy Carter won't make it so easy on you! Obama said he thought John McCain would be better than Bush. (Maybe because the Walnuts' stubborn refusal to wear a flag pin dovetails with his own 1960s radicalism?) And number one Jezecrush Thomas Frank got a weekly column in the Wall Street Journal. "The landmark political fact of our time is the replacement of our middle-class republic by a plutocracy," he wrote. "If some candidate has a scheme to reverse this trend, they've got my vote, whether they prefer Courvoisier or beer bongs spiked with cough syrup." There's a thought to drank to! His new book is called The Wrecking Crew. More »

Clinton, Obama Field Tough Questions About Flag Pins, Third Grade

Moe — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

You know how the American public is sick of "politics as usual"? Well so yesterday I had a feeling I wanted to stay away from the Democratic Primary debate in Pennsylvania but it seems like Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were determined to poison me anyway and somewhere between Bosnia and Bittergate and a half-carafe and 13 irate text messages and emails about how awful it all was I became gravely ill. Was it more despicable or shameful or simply Shakespearian, with Hillary playing Lady Macbeth and Obama playing the part of...uh...a "cucumber: a highly alert cucumber, but not one which was frightened of being sliced up and turned into sandwiches"? Did they disgrace the already disgraced enough profession of journalism? Or was it just all the commercial breaks? After the jump, Megan and I try not to hurl but this David Brooks column makes it sort of impossible. More »

Cindy McCain Regrets Dissing Michelle Obama!

Moe — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Why can't more rich people be like Cindy McCain? Not with the strumpet makeup, I mean, but with the white guilt? Today a LA Times profile made us officially decide to like Cindy, who grew up a rich spoiled rodeo queen cheerleader in Phoenix and then one day went on a scuba trip and came back a crying, caring compassionate woman who sometimes took pills to ease the psychic pain. Okay, so I like Cindy. I get her, I think. I also get Barry Marx Obama and Michelle and their "elitism and all of that." I get Pennsylvanians and why they are bitter. But here's what I don't get: what do the world's 50 top hedge fund managers need with the collected $29 billion they made last year? Are they saving up to buy the Great Wall or the Vatican or something? (Can you even securitize the Vatican?) And how is it they were so smart in a year that everyone at Merrill Lynch who didn't get demoted was soooo...goddamn...stupid. Just testosterone? Glamocracy Megan and I discuss why we can't just pass a law outlawing people from accumulating more than $50 million and, totally unrelated, the concept of "bitterness," after the jump. More »

All About Alleged Rapist Bill Cosby, Because April 15 Is About How Other People Need To Start Taking Responsibility!

Moe — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Happy Tax Day, Jezebels! God it is depressing today. We decided to read that lengthy Atlantic piece about Bill Cosby's haterist theories and got depressed about Bill Cosby being depressed about black people. Then we got depressed that the story devoted all of a sentence to allegations Bill Cosby had sexually assaulted 13 women. We got depressed about the food shortages and the kids for whom the only honest job in town is at a Foot Locker that's about to close and the Italians but then we found a passage from Obama's first book about hanging out with his Jarvis Cocker college crew rolling cigarettes and being alienated and Marxist and somehow that made it all okay again, probably because we are still self-absorbed assholes in arrested development who don't actually have problems beyond figuring out where the fuck we put our W-2s when we were drunk. Myself, Glamocracy's Megan, Cindy McCain's plagiarized recipes and so much more after the jump. More »

Everything I Needed To Know About The American Economy I Learned At American Apparel

Moe — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 13:40:00 EDT

A story in Saturday's Wall Street Journal offers something of a preamble to the final chapter of the American Apparel narrative. There are companies that are more interesting and innovative than American Apparel, but none that captures the entire story of the American Economy, What The Fuck Happened Dept. so quickly and efficiently and dystopianly, like a hypersexed science fiction sex. Plus the CEO likes to curse, masturbate in front of reporters, and hire underaged cokeheads from whom I will no doubt be sent some more highly thought-provoking text messages of dissent. Herewith, a brief batshit tour through one of the most colorful corporate histories of our age! More »