Brrr, my friends. “Dragonstone,” the first episode of the seventh season of Game of Thrones, is about to begin, and I for one am sipping on a chalice of sweet Westerosi vino and feeling the full force of absinthe-colored wildfire in my heart. It’s freaken here!
In case you didn’t obsessively rewatch the series in preparation for tonight, here’s where we’re at: Jon Snow’s real last name is Stark-Targaryen—which only Bran, the new Three-Eyed Raven, knows so far—and he’s the new King in the North after narrowly defeating the Boltons. Sansa Stark, having turned Ramsay Bolton into dog food, is now possibly being manipulated into Jon-jealousy by dirty dog Littlefinger, who has all the greed and cunning of a power-hungry snake but none of the bravery. Arya Stark was finally able to murk out Walder Frey, which was satisfying but maybe an indicator that her time with the Many-Faced God has made her a little loca. Samwell and Gilly and Little Sam are at the Citadel for Sam’s maester studies—and don’t let it be lost on you that he is now in possession of a sword of Valyrian steel, the only type of non-dragonglass material that can take down the encroaching army of White Walkers.
Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister, Missandei, Grey Worm and Lord Varys are leading a monster fleet of ships, including some from old allies—The Unsullied, the Dothraki—and new ones, including House Greyjoy, House Tyrell, the Sand Snakes and Dorne. Which they’re going to need, because Cersei—now childless since King Tommen flung himself from a window after watching her murder his bride and entire religion—is sitting on the Iron Throne, fully capable of becoming a Mad Queen, which even her brother-lover Jaime seems to know. Also, according to Gwendoline Christie in an HBO video from last week’s premiere, this season Brienne of Tarth will “explore a new physical skill set,” which hopefully means she is going to finally get some freaking action! Tormund and Brienne, LET’S GET IT!
Once this momentous shit begins again, so too will Game of Boners, back tomorrow, boners or no. For now, you know what to do.