I’m beginning to fear that one day very soon, Ciara is going to explode. And no, I don’t mean on the charts. She and Russell Wilson, her boyfriend of nearly a year, have not yet had sex with each other, and it appears her horniness is reaching a dangerous level that could result in the first documented case of spontaneous human combustion.
These two sexy people publicly discuss their abstinence more often than I publicly discuss Jessica Chastain, but over the past few months their tone has transformed from passionate (and almost endearing) to bleak as hell. Last summer, Ciara referred to it as an “awesome challenge,” and Wilson called it a divine mission—telling a San Diego church that God literally spoke to him and asked for his celibacy as some kind of personal favor.
But the thrill of being challenged by God appears to have worn off, because Ciara’s lack of a Russell Wilson-induced orgasm is inching her sex drive closer and closer to DEFCON 1, and I’m beginning to fear for her safety. In a recent interview with Cosmopolitan, she said:
“It’s going pretty good. We’re hanging in there. I’m not gonna lie. I’m human, so it is not easy, especially when I look at him and I think he is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen — that I’ve ever laid my eyes on, to be honest. I’m like, ‘Look the other way! Look the other way!’”
She continued, explaining how they handle abstinence:
You get to hug and you get to have a nice good kiss, but you have to be careful not to go too far so you don’t end up in the place you’re trying to avoid being in. Strong, strong, strong, strong! Just the strongest resistance to temptation.
Imagine not being able to look at your smoking hot partner out of fear that doing so will make you want to have sex with them. Imagine meeting Barack and Michelle Obama, getting home, and going straight to sleep. Back in the good old days, this disconnect between desire and religion would be solved by a quick wedding that ended in either long-term resentment or divorce, but Wilson and Ciara aren’t even doing themselves the favor of a Vegas elopement. They’re just choosing to look away from the horniness and ignore the message etched on their DNA that says, “Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it.”
Though there’s no way of knowing for certain whether or not Ciara and Wilson have found other, more private ways to deal with their unstoppable horniness, the way they discuss their all-encompassing need to fuck each other suggests—to me, at least—that neither of them have achieved orgasm since the start of their relationship and they’re both in a state of hysteria. (I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume people who believe God herself requested their celibacy also believe masturbation is a sin.)
Russell. Ciara. Can you please do yourselves (and your fans) a favor and get it over with? God is almost certainly impressed by your efforts, and has probably been elbowing angels and saying, “Can you believe these two still haven’t done it?” since early last fall. In fact, I bet all the angels and saints are in a heaven-wide pool on when you two finally seal the deal, and I bet Mary has already lost.
So. For your own safety, just fuck. I’m sure it won’t take more than a minute or two.
Contact the author at email@example.com.
Image via Getty.