This Tuesday, Glee actress Naya Rivera announced on Twitter that she’s sold a tell-all memoir to Tarcher, a publishing house under the umbrella of Penguin Group. That’s great! Can I ghostwrite it?

Naya, as I’ve pointed out before, is a beautiful and insane chaos demon who survives (and thrives!) by drumming up scandal and doing the occasional Devious Maids guest spot. She’s come for Kim Kardashian, she’s come for Big Sean (who, let’s face it, definitely deserves it), she’s come for her Glee castmates, and one day, if you’re lucky enough, she might come for you.

While most memoirs (especially those written by people under the age of 50) are nonsense, Naya’s will probably be excellent. I know this because Naya has already devoted a large portion of her time in the public eye to gossip-mongering and controversy chasing, a tradition she’ll ideally uphold when she releases her first tell-all. My confidence is bolstered by the fact that her memoir is called Sorry Not Sorry: Dreams, Mistakes, and Growing Up, which is the greatest book title of all time.

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Chances are that Naya is too busy working on her mommy blog and plotting her next move to write Sorry Not Sorry herself (as you’re probably aware, very few celebrities write their own memoirs), so allow me to offer myself up. I will ghostwrite it. I will work with Naya to help make it great. I am her number one fan. Please consider this my cover letter and application.

Are you ghostwriting Naya Rivera’s memoir? Please email us to let us know you’re quitting so that I can do it instead.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty.