Ben Stein Writes Truly Bizarre Essay On Being A Creepy Old Man

Ben Stein, who the lowbrow among us will recognize as the eyedrop shilling "Bueller.... Bueller...." guy from Ferris Beuller's Day Off and the nerds will recognize as the conservative thought-generator and American Spectator senior editor, has penned an incredibly bizarre stream of consciousness essay on how he is basically a slave to his dick and can't stop being tempted to give beautiful women who are not his wife money. This essay was printed in a magazine.

Ben Stein is a caricature of a hapless rich guy being duped by beautiful women in a Marilyn Monroe movie.

The piece (spotted by Hunter Walker at Business Insider) is called "Making Friends And Enemies: Mr. Obama Is Simply AWOL." In it, Stein spends like four lines at the very end rambling incoherently about Democrats and the rest of the borderline TL;DR essay talking about how much his boner likes ladies.

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You really owe it to yourself to read the whole thing, but in case you're on the go or you loaded this exact blog post before ducking into a place without cell phone service, here are the best quotes from one of the foremost conservative economist/pro-life thinkers of our time.

As I walked through SFO in search of my driver, I came across a stunningly beautiful, absolute knockout young Eurasian woman. She was lying on a bench right next to where my driver was supposed to be, so I sat down next to her and chatted her up.

I spoke to her for at most—absolutely most—five minutes. She told me she was half-Vietnamese and half-Dutch. She gave me her contact info and we have been in touch almost every day since.

The "Eurasian woman" wants money.

Just today, I got a text from her saying that it so happens that she's pregnant. She had been up in SFO having a romantic rendezvous with a young man, but she decided she didn't like him and he didn't like her. So they broke up. But, now she's pregnant.

"I really didn't like him that much," she texted me. "I just wasn't into him that much."

"Well, you must have been into him pretty much and he must have been very much into you because you're carrying his baby."

"I know," she said, "but I'll just be a single mom. Will you help me out?"

I am so pro-life that I can never say no in these cases but I am worried about it.

Where is Obama? He is AWOL.

She's thirty-two. She's a wild mixture of ethnicities and has a figure that is close to unbelievable. She works at a very high-end specialty store in downtown San Fran. She is a divorcee. She has a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. She wants to be a movie star. She wants me to help with her bills. I was almost speechless at her beauty, but I also could not quite believe how many boyfriends she's had, including very famous movie, TV, music, and sports stars. If that's her type—and God bless her if it is—she's not really likely to see much in a sixty-nine-year-old, overweight, nerdy economist/commentator who can barely put on his socks. I told her that and she just laughed. She said she wanted to come visit me in L.A.

Where is Obama? He is AWOL.

"I want to stay at the Beverly Wilshire," she said. "That's my hotel in L.A. It's right in the middle of Beverly Hills, which is where I like to be."

"Honey," I said after a quick text to my travel agent, "rooms there are about twelve hundred a night for when you want to be in L.A."

"So?" she asked with a slightly hurt look.

Those negotiations, like all negotiations in the age of Obama, got stalled. But just today, she sent me a series of photos of herself having root canal surgery and then a screen shot of her bill so far—$2,300.

"I still want to come see you," she said.

"We'll see."

Again, where is Obama? AWOL.

My main obsessions in my life are my wife, my dog, my son and his family, my secret gf from Mississippi, and any beautiful girl I meet. I am like a teenager. I get mad crushes and they last about ten minutes. Maybe less.

Secret girlfriend. Where is Obama? AWOL.

I went with Bob to a Waffle House and could not even eat there. I did meet three adorable co-eds from Georgia Regents University and they were the brightest spots of the day by far. Pretty, enthusiastic, polite…I love Southern girls. [...]

I might add that if she had been any more polite she would have been an impossibility. But wow, where do these gorgeous Southern women come from? What is it? Genetics? Attitude? Something.

The audience for the speech was great. Got all of my jokes. APPLAUDED AT THE RIGHT MOMENTS. Gave me a long standing ovation. We love Augusta. No sign of the beautiful cocktail party girl but the three glorious co-eds were there, beaming, cheerful, lovely. I think I will bring them out to L.A. on granddad's jet.

Stein closes the essay by, apparently without irony, going off on how President Obama is too distracted with leisure activities to be good at his job. By the time Hillary takes over, Stein writes, momentarily undistracted by his penis, this country will be in shambles for his darling daughter, the one female character in the essay that Ben Stein doesn't talk about wanting to fuck.

A regular Charles Mehkowski, that Ben Stein.