Cormac McCarthy may have out dude-broed himself with The Counselor, which is both the novelist’s first original screenplay to be made into a movie, and the most shamelessly erotic depiction of cars since Crash in 1996. If you’ve never seen Crash, do yourself a favor and see it as soon as you finish reading this excerpt from The Counselor screenplay wherein Cameron Diaz fucks a car. To completion.
There’s been a lot of buzz about The Counselor, most of it not particularly good. However, just like 2012’s star-studded mess The Paperboy, The Counselor may have just enough crazy stuffed into its running time to steer it into fascinating catastrophe territory. People will see it because of a few bonkers scenes, namely, that moment when Cameron Diaz’s character Malkina fucks her paramor Reiner’s car (obviously, spoilers abound):
Reiner: I said I’d like to forget about Malkina fucking my car.
Counselor: What the hell are you talking about?
Reiner: You remember that yellow California I had?
Counselor: Sure, nice car
Reiner: Very nice car. Anyway, this was a while back, not that long, we’d been getting it on for a while and we came back one night. We were staying up at Cloudcroft. We drove out in the golf course and parked and were sitting there talking. And for no particular reason that I could see, she slides off her knickers and hands them to me and gets out of the car. I asked what she was doing and she says: I’m going to fuck your car.
Malkina (in flashback): Leave the door open.
Reiner: So she goes around and climbs up on the hood of the Ferrari. And holds her dress up around her waist and spreads herself across the windshield in front of me. With no panties on. And she’s got this Brazilian wax job. Don’t, don’t even think I’m making this up – you can’t make this up. She was a dancer, so she does this full split, and then she starts running herself up and down on the glass, and she leans down, to see if I’m watching right now, as if I’m sitting there reading my email. And kisses me upside down and then she tells me this: I’m gonna come. I thought, well I’m losing my fucking mind, that’s what’s happening here. Really it was like one of those, one of those catfish things, you know, one of those bottom feeders you see going up the way of the aquarium sucking its way up the glass (makes popping sound with his mouth) Really it was... hallucinatory. You see a thing like that, it changes you.
Picture Cormac McCarthy writing the word “knickers” more than once in a non-ironic way. Then ask yourself: Is The Counselor destined to become that “that movie where Cameron Diaz fucks that car” college students watch when they’re stoned, then mythologize later for its willingness to take its own camp seriously?