YES: The Monocle Is Back

Recently, New York's Fiona Duncan sparked an internet hullabaloo after exposing the world to normcore, a recent trend in fashion where beautiful young urbanites dress like Billy Madison or my uncle Rick who lives in the suburbs of Chicago and are still considered both hot and sartorially on point. WELL, FORGET ALL THAT. Fashion has moved on from such plebeian trends and settled on something far more aristocratic. Raise a glass of champagne, old chap, because — CHIN CHIN — the monocle is back!

In a fashion exposé published yesterday for The New York Times, Allen Salkin writes:

From the trendy enclaves of Berlin cafes and Manhattan restaurants to gin ads and fashion magazines, the monocle is taking its turn alongside key 21st-century accouterments like sharply tucked plaid shirts and certificates in swine butchering.

"I got it just to have my own style, bring something new to the table," said Jose Vega, 23, an aspiring Miami rap musician who can be seen sporting a monocle on his SoundCloud page. "Also, I'm nearsighted."

What a beautiful day for fancy millionaires who've spent the last several decades with nothing to comedically pop out of their eyes when they're surprised by something! What a beautiful day for Veronica Sawyer who recently decided that she wants to start journaling again!

Rejoice in the return of the monocle, I say! We should all aspire to look like someone who survived the sinking of the Titanic by buying their way onto a lifeboat. Women and children first? Harumph to all that, Moneybags! The rules don't apply while you're wearing a monocle!

So who's wearing this new trend? Total dickheads, it would seem (or should I say "FANCY total dickheads"?):

Martin Raymond, a British trend forecaster, credits the rise to what he calls "the new gents," a hipster subspecies who have been adding monocles to their bespoke tweed and distressed-boot outfits. On a recent trip to Cape Town, Mr. Raymond said, he saw such a group carrying monocles along with tiny brass telescopes kept in satchels.

If this "new gent" trend grows on, young men could soon be donning top hats and tails or riding to the opera in horse-drawn carriages or sending each other white feathers in the mail — the good old fashioned mail! — as symbols of cowardice. SO REFINED.

I don't know about you, but I for one am satisfied that there's FINALLY a trend in fashion that's meant to set apart the elite from us normals (who still wearing our snapbacks like a bunch of normcore peasants):

Toby Miller, a cultural historian, said: "Monocles have always marked people out as beyond the crowd, slightly different. On one hand you have the Prussian officer, on the other you have the effete English lord, and then you also have the New York and London lesbian in the 1920s."

Other good news! Monocles aren't just for men! Cool lesbians and flappers wore them, too, so why can't you? Because you're not a early 20th century millionaire who sits in a cigar room all day ranting about how if your child laborers continue to rabble-rouse, you will punish them by cutting their wages by 15% and assuring that all of their limbs get mangled in the machinery of your canning factory? Who cares?! You're an INDIVIDUAL and you deserve a monocle. And if anyone questions your right to wear one, invent an old money backstory — no one will suspect a thing so long as you use the property terms you learned while playing Monopoly with enough confidence.

Besides, don't you want to look like this? (I do. I really, really do.)

Image via Getty.