What's With All the Dick Stories This Week?

Is there something in the (dick) air? Should we give dick a
chance? Are we being reminded to be thankful for dick? Because everywhere I
looked lately I feel I am getting pounded by penises. It was like the Internet
equivalent of that notebook in Superbad with all the dicks drawn on it.
It’s like I cranked up the jack-in-the-box and out popped a load of dicks in
my face. What gives?

First, lest you think I just have some Google alert for
dicks set up, rest assured I browsed the Internet like I always do, and the
peen sprang supreme against my own best wishes. I don’t know if there’s like a
seasonal dick thing going on, or a random proliferation of penis. But the dicks are mustering the courage to get in all our faces, and so I shall just
present the evidence and let you decide.

Dick #1 in Your Face

Hairpin did an Interview
With a Big Dick. This is, in spite of its prurient appeal, a pretty great,
nuanced read about being a dude with a big dick (it is not, I repeat, not, an
interview with a dick itself, as I initially guessed). Still, good times:

Are
there things that you like about being a guy? Do you ever just get psyched up
about being a Big Dude with a Big Dick?

I
mean, obviously I like my dick. I like having sex with it. And I do have a
couple of close male friends, and it is kind of fun to just normatively bro out
with them.

Rate That Peen: Because of this big
dick’s high level of self-awareness and sense of humor, to say nothing of his
use of the phrase “normatively bro out,” this gets a good, hard boner
rating.

Dick #2 in Your Face

Salon wrote up earlier this
month (but I only just saw it) this 10
Strangest Facts About Penises. In
it, we come to understand, thanks to facts like “Every penis was a
clitoris,” at least one reason
why a man’s very identity is so often rooted in how not-like-a-woman he is.
Namely, because he is all too aware of how much like a woman he once was. Other
fun facts we sorta knew but can always stand to be reminded of: Fetuses get
boners, big balls = more likely to cheat, and the biggest dick ever was
measured at 13.5 inches. Day-um.

Rate That Peen: Fun and informative! Three-quarter
chub.

Dick #3 in Your Face

HuffPo
has a column called “Why
is My Penis Funnier Than Your Vagina?” In it, Rob Stephenson,
Associate Professor of Global Health at Emory, laments after mentioning Eve
Ensler’s invasively staged play, The
Vagina Monologues, that “no penis has ever had a monologue.” Um,
you mean, aside from its top-billed guest speaker role in all of history
forever on all matters deemed important since forever? Still, I must concede he
has a firm point when he says “the penis’s role in the media
is largely comedic; they are, if you will, the genital jester.”

To drive the point deeper, he cites phallic party
favors at bachelorette parties and a few pop-cultch references to penis-as-gag
(ugh, sorry), such as the ill-zipped
zipper in There’s Something About Mary.
And apparently, there’s some pole-on-frozen-pole action in a Harold and Kumar movie? He thinks maybe
those pesky MPAA rulings against erect penises on screen are responsible for
the penis’s role as a big, hard joke.

He might be right. Perhaps deflating the peen is
a way to mock social norms — male power/virility — for comic value, he argues.
But he questions why there isn’t an equally comedic role for vaginas. I’d say it’s because there’s still not an equally comedic role for women/female directors/etc. in general. Also, clearly someone has never been around a coupla
teen girls in hysterics trying to out-queef each other. I think we just need more
women putting the vagina in movies, because women know the vag is a real riot. Let
us in, and we will let you in (our vaginas).

Rate
That Peen: That thar is thinkin’ man peen. And sensitive, intuitive peen thinkery
makes good points about peen, vag, the world. Which makes me happy.

Dick #4 in Your Face

The New York Post has a piece called
“This
Man Made a Movie About His Small Penis.”

The
doc, now on Showtime and soon on DVD (Dec. 10) is called “Unsung
Hero.” Many lols on that title, dude, for realz. This dude, Patrick Moote,
got the cold smackdown when his GF rejected his very public mistletoe-cam marriage
proposal. Later, she told him that one of the reasons was his tiny peen. He
parlayed the crushing rejection and humiliation into a documentary-style search
for a little peen-esteem and to prove prick size doesn’t matter. In the end, he
realized his allegedly small penis wasn’t so small after all. That rhymes. Wasn’t so small, after all.

Rate That Peen: He never actually says how big or
small his penis actually is in the interview, and that bugs me. I appreciate him doing the
size-doesn’t-matter service doc for dudes everywhere, though, but a little perspective couldn’t hurt. Isn’t all of our understanding of peen based on other peen? Half-chub.

Dick #5 in Your Face

Salon
has a piece called “Embrace
Your Small Penis, men: Everyone is lying anyway!” It is an excerpt
from a new book: God’s Doodle: The
Life and Times of the Penis. The subheadline of this piece is “Why
are men lying, and why do women expect more?” to which a friend responded
after reading the link: They should have just written, “We will answer two
questions any moron already know the answers to.”

Here we get more support for the your-small-penis-is-ok
faction out there by learning that a mere one in 100 are bigger than the 5-to-7
inch average. ONE IN 100! AND STILL:

Intellectually, a man knows that the size of his penis shouldn’t be
specifically relevant in a relationship, to him or to a woman. His common sense
tells him that it will certainly not be the major or controlling factor in
a woman’s response to him. And yet . . . he can’t help believing that it is.

The piece goes on to analyze the data, eliminate the outliers, and
normalize the dick out of normal-sized dick. Good for it/him/those/them.

Rate That Peen:
Wait, who said size shouldn’t be specifically relevant? I think it is, much in the
same way looks are relevant. To a point. You need to be attracted to someone. You need to
feel the dick. At least a little! That isn’t tyrannical or anything, it’s just a fact of existence
when it comes to wanting a dick in you or a person beside you. We shouldn’t be
relentless about it, but we should probably acknowledge just as women have to
that some level of something is required. Of everyone. I’m super happy when men
are all for body positivity, and I usually just hope that they note that this
is pretty much what women are dealing with on the daily about every single
aspect of their bodies down to their dry fucking elbows. Meanwhile, we are over
here polishing brass on the Titanic trying to put a dent in the onslaught of
shit messages we get. So good luck, sir! And good day!

Dick #6 in Your Face

Nerve has a piece called “Sexy
Photos of Nude Men Reading Will Turn On More Than Your Mind.” It is
sexy pictures of nude men reading from a SUPER NSFW Tumblr called Eat a bowl of well-read dick. Nothin’ else to really say here, huh?

Rate That Peen:
Full-on chub. Brains and loins, books and dicks, mind and body. Why didn’t
someone think of this already? It’s so simple. I guess I just hope they are
really reading those books and it’s not some
here-put-on-these-fake-glasses-to-look-hot thing. See? Brain gets tripped up
still. Simmer down, brain.