“I know they say you can’t go home again,” sings the lady in the saccharine new trailer for Fuller House, the Netflix sequel to the ‘90s sitcom Full House. But you can! You can!, the footage cries as it leads you through the empty-yet-familiar rooms of the Tanner’s San Francisco home. “Life is full again,” Netflix promises. I beg to differ, I whisper at my computer.

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Bob Saget (Danny), John Stamos (Uncle Jesse), Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky), Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey), Candace Cameron Bure (DJ), Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie), and more are all back for Fuller House—a mass return that says less about the demand for more Full House episodes (because, really, who cares what the Tanner family is up to now?) and more about ‘90s sitcom actors rightfully exploiting millennials’ obsession with nostalgia for a much needed paycheck.

The trailer does leave you with questions though, like how on earth are we supposed to believe that a religious conservative like Candace Cameron Bure would willingly live in San Francisco? Or why are they moving furniture into an already-furnished house? And what kind of emotionally abused person would say, “You don’t need movers! You’ve got us!”? Lastly: Whose fucking dog is that? We know it’s not Comet because Comet is definitely dead.

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Actually, Netflix is right. I do feel full—full of existential dread.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.