After five years swimming through all manner of grody in the swampy detritus that is OKCupid, Alli Reed decided to test her theory that "a lot of men on that site would message literally any woman who had a profile."
…but the optimist in me wanted to believe that there was a limit. Maybe there was a woman so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it.
Reed, writing over at Cracked, said she created a garbage human that no sane person should want to hang out with. In her own words, she made the faux dater "mean, spoiled, lazy, racist, manipulative, and willfully ignorant, and I threw in a little gold digging just for funzies." Sounds pretty awful.
To do that, she created AaronCarterFan, a 25-year-old woman (white, 5'4) in Los Angeles whose self-summary exclaims: "Im a Goddess and i do ME!!!!!" And, lest anyone was unclear about whether this was a high-maintenance nutbag who would test the limits of any dude who dared message in her direction, Reed gave AaronCarterFan the profile battle cry of batshit women everywhere: "If u cant handle me at my worst u dont deserve me at my best."
From there, Reed made good on her goal to create, if not the Worst Woman on Earth, the ultimate wildebeest. AaronCarterFan proceeds to gleefully reveal her favorite pastimes: lying, manipulating loved ones and extortion. Her parents, for instance, think she's in law school so they pay her bills — "LMAOOOOOOO its awesome" — and, as if to suggest she's pulled this trick more than once, she lists among her skills her ability to "convince people im pregnat lol."
Oh, and she's not just a bad speller, she's also a racist and cruel. She only likes music from countries like the USA that have bathrooms. In her spare time, she tries to "keep America American" and enjoys knocking cups out of homeless people's hands because "its soooooo funny to try to watch them pick it all up lolllllllll."
The profile is a hilarious exercise in summoning all the shallow, petty, illiterate, anti-intellectual bigotry and generally incurious hatefulness you could squeeze into an online calling card, and it skillfully plays on female gold-digging stereotypes too. AaronCarterFan is a perfect candidate for a terrible reality show, and reminds me of all of the worst people I went to high school with, writ large.
For pics, she used her friend's images with permission, and sat back to watch the magic not happen. Only, as you can guess, rather than the chirping crickets of societal excommunication, AaronCarterFan was greeted with a slew of eager messages and requests to meet that night — 150 in 24 hours — stampeding hot 'n' heavy toward the hot 'n' horrible monster Reed had created.
So she shifted her goal. Now that she had them, she'd try, at least, to dissuade them. Reed decided to message the men back and try to get the men to lose interest by being as pathologically awful in her messages as she'd promised in the profile. In a story as old as time, nothing deterred these would-be boners in pursuit of a hot piece of terrible tail.
It is an amusing read, but if there's anything we can learn from this experiment, it is the following:
Hot Idiot Gets Constantly Propositioned
By making AaronCarterFan "hot" — using a model's pictures — Reed guaranteed that shallow men would ignore the content of the profile and simply try to get with a good-looking woman. Nothing new there.
Hot Idiot Looking For CASUAL SEX Gets Constantly Propositioned
The user profile's "I'm looking for" section includes "casual sex." Lots of people — male and female — will overlook many an egregious quality to get laid. We've all done it. Also nothing new.
Hot Idiot So Idiotic She Might Be Joking
The profile is littered with so many LOLs and LMAOs that it's almost suspicious. Some people might find it so over the top as to be a joke, and be drawn to the person who created it or simply curious if it's really real.
People Are Idiots
There will always be mouth breathers who have no interest in intellectual pursuits, liberal thinking, tolerance, being decent. They just want a hot girlfriend.
Worst Profile Ever Could Be Way Worse
Maybe it's an obvious question, but is AaronCarterFan really the Worst Woman on Earth? And why is she "hot," anyway? Going on this logic, wouldn't the ultimate test be whether an "unattractive" woman with a "terrible" personality could get so much as one single message? But if we must create the ultimate lure to test these fun but pointless theories, if we're really trying to see what people are willing to overlook for a hot bod, shouldn't we go all the way here? Like, say, pairing the picture of an extraordinarily hot woman with the profile personality of a scatophile. Really wanting to fuck someone who insists on involving excrement in the act is much, much harder to reconcile than an attractive 25-year-old who loves Aaron Carter and has the personality of a jackal. Just sayin'. Or, if all else fails, you could just try being brutally honest.
Image via Victor Tongdee/Shutterstock.