Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s self-congratulatory newsletter and lifestyle brand for rich healthies, will release its first sex issue on May 9. So, sorry brand new white bed spread, because you’re about to have about a gallon of pomegranate juice sanctimoniously sprayed all over you, I bet.

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The Cut writes:

Said to be inspired by Paltrow’s recent comments about embracing one’s sexuality, the issue will include both features and roundups of “sexy toys” and “erotic theaters.” It will, of course, have a Goop spin on it: A statement hinted at an informative piece about the parabens found in most standard lube brands.

Erotic theaters? I mean, my seat was drenched after Avenue Q, so I’m in. Also, they’re called shows.

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But how are the Gwyneths and the Jessicas and the Blakes—a.k.a. the ungodly wealthy and well—fucking correctly? What exactly is Goop Sex?

Is it holding your partner in an intimate, unmoving hug for 30 minutes? Is it seeing who can achieve the most middle part? Is it mindfully standing on a scale? Is it lovingly feeding your partner homemade organic apple sauce? Is it watching someone else clean your pizza oven? Is it inhaling your partner’s exhale? Is it paying a pilot to keep almost taking off your private jet but landing it at the last second? Is it holding a ripe pear in each of your hands? Is it looking into your partner’s eyes and saying a Sanskrit phrase that could honestly mean anything for all you know? Is it breaking into a Best Buy and exploding all the televisions? Is it looking in a full-length mirror?

Whatever, we’re ready to learn.


Image via Getty.