On August 6, news broke that Elon Musk and Amber Heard ended their year-long relationship, citing bad timing and Heard’s burgeoning career as their reasons. Celebrity relationships end all the time, so this is nothing out of the ordinary. Things didn’t work out and that’s fine. All they want is privacy and also to never, ever stop talking about it.  

Roughly three days after Us Weekly reported that their relationship was over, Musk “broke his silence” in the comments section of an Instagram photo of Heard posing with a fork in her hair like the Little Mermaid.

According to Us Weekly, Musk called the photo of Heard—a woman he had just ended things with publicly—”V cute” and further clarified what that might mean as follows:

“Btw, just to clear up some of the press storm this weekend, although Amber and I did break up, we are still friends, remain close and love one another. Long distance relationship when both partners have intense work obligations are always difficult, but who knows what the future holds.”

Not content to let Musk’s broken silence be the only silence broken, Heard hopped back on Instagram to post her own statement:

“In this case, I’d like to remain more quiet,” she said. “Although we have broken up, Elon and I care deeply for one another and remain close.” Fair enough. Though I’d argue that the demise of their relationship was hardly earth-shattering news, eclipsed as it was by the end of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris’s relationship, I get it. Musk said his thing and Heard felt compelled to do the same. Case closed. Mischief managed. Put a fork in it, because we are done.

Or so we thought.

On Friday, Musk and Heard, two people who had formally broken up a week ago, issued a joint statement to Us Weekly about their breakup. It makes little to no sense and deserves to be read in full, because what on earth is happening here? (Emphasis on the parts that make the least amount of sense are ours).

“Having read recent articles about our relationship, we would like to speak for ourselves. The distance has been really tough on our relationship, because we haven’t been able to see each other much. All relationships have their ups and downs, of course. People occasionally send out speculation, which has no basis in fact, without our knowledge, believing that that they have our best interests in mind. Sometimes, other agendas are at work. It can get a little weird... However, we would like to state directly that we have the utmost respect for one another, and it would be troubling if anyone had the impression that we thought otherwise. As a closing note, it is worth bearing in mind that events are always amplified and dramatized in a high profile relationship, whether the people involved like it or not (and we definitely don’t). The reality is that this is just a normal relationship with a giant magnifying glass applied.”

What “agendas” do they speak of? What “speculation” is happening that they’re so desperate to get in front of? If this is just a “normal relationship with a giant magnifying glass applied”, then why on earth have they released three separate statements saying the exact same thing when no one is really checking for them like that? How many times has anyone thought about Amber Heard and Elon Musk’s relationship over the past year with this level of scrutiny? Being a famous person who makes movies and electric cars respectively is certainly difficult for reasons beyond my ken, but the number of vaguely-worded statements issued about the end of a “normal relationship” lead me to believe otherwise.

In conclusion, I do not know what’s going on with Amber and Elon.