Welp, ​Jamie Dornan's Penis Will Not Be in Fifty Shades of Grey

People. It’s time to reassess whether or not you really want to go and see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. Jamie Dornan will be in the film. His dick, however, will not.

In an interview with The Guardian, Dornan reveals that he doesn’t actually think he’s incredibly good-looking (um, okay), and how “no matter what happens” to his career, he’ll always be proud of The Fall. And by “no matter what happens in my career,” I’m pretty sure he meant, “despite this Fifty Shades thing.” Turns out, he has a lot to say about Fifty Shades, which neither he nor his wife read before he landed the role.

“Yeah, there is a huge intellectual snobbery about the book. And it comes from all the papers that I like to read. The Guardian is my home page on my laptop, and the other day I logged on innocently and there they were having a massive go at the trailer for Fifty Shades and I was thinking: ‘Fuck, this is not good.'” He laughs. “But what can I do? I understand why those kinds of papers would have preconceived ideas about what it is.”

When asked how graphic the film is, he pauses, weighs his answer. “You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, and ugly, and graphic.”

So no sex then? “Sam is a very bright woman, so there might be some suggestive elements to it, but I haven’t seen it at this stage, so it is hard for me to say. I’m aware of what we shot, and it wasn’t as if we shot a film without any action.”

Was he completely in the nude? “There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn’t be seeing my, um…”

Todger? He laughs. “Yeah, my todger.”

There you have it. A todger-less Fifty Shades. What IS this movie even?