Wedding Delayed By Man Cutting Off Own Balls

When you work on the internet, at least once per day you come across a story that makes your crotch wince and your brain scream to unremember what it just read. This is today’s story.

A man in the UK broke into a church, cut off his own testicles with a pair of scissors, and threw them around for a bit before authorities intervened and hauled the man away for medical attention. The wedding scheduled to take place in the church that day went on, albeit a few hours later than planned. Right after a guy cut his balls off in the church! The bride wasn’t told until after the ceremony.

(Here’s the point where you get up and throw whatever food you were eating away. In my case: quinoa salad that contains, for some reason, strips of corn tortilla chips. It’s a weird salad. I won’t miss it.)

Horrified guests reported seeing pieces of testicles just lying around on the floor of the church, according to the New York Daily News. How would you even tell by looking at a fragment of human flesh that it used to be a testicle? I call ballshit.

The Daily News didn’t have an update on the man’s condition nor did they have a gif of the bride reacting to news that a man had de-nutted himself right before her nuptials. What’s that they say about it being lucky if someone cuts off their balls on your wedding day?