We Watched Lifetime's William And Kate So You Don't Have To

Although, frankly, if you miss it, you’re seriously missing out.

Recently I read a story that said Lifetime and its ilk are losing out to younger stations like MTV because their content is too wholesome and short in the Snooki department. Well, whoever wrote that hadn’t seen William and Kate! Because when it comes to bizarre dramatizations that manage to be simultaneously dull and melodramatic, “Televison for Women” still has no equal. Does this new film tell us anything we didn’t already know? Unless it’s that Kate Middleton is secretly related to Ashley Judd; that William was prone to rom-com-style dramatic gestures; and that Prince Harry is apparently Scottish, no. But it’s still really fun. And naturally, every fact we do know for sure is scrupulously included.

So: William and Kate, who don’t really look like them and are clearly in California but whatever, meet at St. Andrews. Kate’s super down-to-Earth and treats him like a regular guy. Then comes the turning point: the See-Through Dress.

They begin dating, but Snobs are quick to remind Kate — and us! — that she’s A Commoner.

Don’t worry: Wills wins her back with some heartfelt karaoke, and the two go public. Kate is clearly the Only One Who Understands Him. Oh, and in case you weren’t sure what, exactly, the monarchy is, that’s helpfully explained, too.

I won’t lie: things lag a little after they graduate and Wills enters the military. She’s hounded by the press, Wills’ cad friend persuades him to enjoy his freedom, they need space, yadda yadda yadda. William and his father (a particularly unconvincing and sad-sackish Prince Charles) have an obligatory conversation about Diana. All seems lost. Luckily! William wades into the river to dramatically declare his love for Kate in front of all her crew-team members.