We Should All Be So Lucky As to Fuck a Ghost

And now, the story of Amethyst Realm, a woman living in England who claims she has had over “20 sexual encounters” with ghosts, all of which have left her so thoroughly satisfied that she claims she will “never go back to men.”

This story, which Realm recounted on iTV’s “This Morning” and which I’m sure is very true, goes like this: Realm moved into a house with her fiancé and felt the presence of a spirit in the home. One night when her fiancé was out of town, she decided to take her chances: she threw on her best negligee and laid herself out for the spirit in question, an alluring human buffet for a hungry, sex-starved ghost. Its interest piqued the spirit took the bait:

“It was kind of like a weight, I felt a pressure on my thighs. At the same time physical breath, and stroking,” she explained.

Asked by a curious Holly Willoughby whether the encounter led to an orgasm, she said: “Yes, for me.”

Amethyst’s fiance discovered she was “cheating” when the ghost apparently showed its physical form to him, something which she herself had never seen.

Emboldened by her sexual experience with what I assume was either, a cold gust of wind, and a tattered sheet, [editor’s note: rude, Megan!] Realm has dispensed with dating human men altogether and has instead dedicated her life to finding a ghost partner for life. A psychology professor named Christopher French who was consulted for his expert opinion offered sleep paralysis as an explanation for this behavior, but I refuse to accept modern science and logic and would rather plunge straightaway into the logistics of having sex with a spirit.

Assuming that a ghost is your standard issue transparent humanoid and NOT the more traditional man under a sheet with holes for eyes, as typified by Casey Affleck in Ghost Story, what do you think that dick is like?

If we’re talking about the see-through human-esque ghost, I imagine when you try to hug that thing, your bod is enveloped in a cold fog and your arms sort of pass right through. Maybe the ghost exerts a sort of pressure but only when it wants to—so at some point you feel like you’re hugging something solid, but its a block of ice and not the warm flesh of the living. When it’s time to bone down, though, what’s that ghost dick looking like? Transparent, semi-sheer, and sort of wispy, I’d imagine, but in the shape of an actual human penis—when it enters a human orifice, though, is that pleasurable? Is it like getting fucked by an icicle? Can ghosts achieve orgasm? Can you exorcise them out of your home if you’re done with the relationship and want to move on?

Many questions, not enough answers; perhaps some mysteries are best left unsolved.