Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: angrily one-starring our nation’s most beloved national treasures because they’re, like, smaller than you thought they’d be.

It’s summer, and that means, inevitably, a miserably educational outing as a family. Pile everyone into the car and drag them to look at a pile of something in the middle of a field! It’s history!

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History, by its nature, is a grim business, but not nearly as grim as online reviews of goods and services. When the two meet on the contentious field of American history, it’s ... really something.

Usually, to protect the names of the innocent and not-so-innocent alike, we redact the names of the businesses, as well as the identities of the Yelpers who wrote the reviews. We didn’t do that with the national monuments, for obvious reasons. Mostly because it’s funnier if we present these reviews grouped by the monument they’re complaining about. Hang on tight, America, we’re goin’ in.

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

The theme that the Vietnam memorial is not sufficiently bitchin’ is repeated several times:

I went to see the Vietnam memorial and was shocked. It was off the beaten path in a pit. This black wall was filled with names of our young men, who died for this country and there were no fountains, waterfalls, eagles, flags or any signs of patriotism. After passing the WWII memorial, I was truly appalled, were their lives any less valuable? Do they deserve less respect?

To memorialize our Veterans on this plain L shaped black wall in a pit is an abomination and complete disgrace. Why bother, really.

Why bother seeing anything in real life, that’s what I always say:

Gettysburg

Battlefield too field-shaped, according to this visitor:

The landscape is pretty nice - attractive rolling fields all around. Unfortunately, I just didn’t find all of it that interesting. Just the aforementioned hills and a whole bunch of small, wholly unremarkable monuments erected many, many years ago with money from groups in the various states. There were definitely some more striking monuments (albeit far and few between), and a couple observation towers with decent views. Overall, though, I’d save this stuff for the Civil War buffs. If you are pumped to find out in detail what happened on each day of the battle, by all means, come here and get a guide, and be stoked. If you don’t know your Culp’s Hill from your Pickett’s Charge and don’t necessarily care to know the difference, then I don’t feel that Gettysburg is a must visit by any means.

“A little moving when you think about freedom and stuff” is the working title for my Ken Burns-style documentary about the 20th century:

Mount Rushmore

A fittingly short and sweet ode to a giant monument of four racist white guys built on stolen Indian land:

I do not think it is patriotic to deface a mountain. Also the surrounding towns are horrible. I am pretty sure that the next gathering of the juggalos is taking place around here somewhere.

Lincoln Memorial

“Joke reviews of national monuments” is becoming my new favorite literary sub-genre.

Statue of Liberty

There might be something funny about visiting the Statue of Liberty while complaining about the people who work there and their “filthy paws.” Is there? What could it be...

Ford’s Theatre

This is, deservedly, the most famous Grim Yelp Review of all time. It’s so good.

Pretty grim! Until next time, let’s all brainstorm ways to make American history more air-conditioned, spacious, and filled with waterfalls. The mall. Make American history more like the mall.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.

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Photo via AP Images, Grim Yelpified by Cryptkeeper Bobby Finger. Grim Yelp Badge by Master of Terror Jim Cooke