Virginia Republican Campaigns to Outlaw Blow Jobs and Buttsex

In a move that’s sure to be wildly popular among The Youths, Virginia’s Republican Gubernatorial nominee Ken Cuccinelli II had made outlawing oral and anal sex a part of his campaign platform. What’s got two thumbs and hates blowjobs? That guy! (awkwardly gesticulates with thumbs in vague direction of Virginia)

Today, Cuccinelli — who currently serves as the state’s nutty-as-a-fruitcake Attorney General — announced via his website that, if elected by the People of Virginia, he will make sure that the People of Virginia aren’t getting off in each others mouths and butts, because those things are Crimes Against Nature (coming this fall to CBS!)

One problem: the Crimes Against Nature Law Cuccinelli wants to resurrect has already been declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, as it governs what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own velvet Jesus portrait-containing homes. From Think Progress’s Josh Israel,

The law states, “If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony…” Cuccinelli claims that the law “is only applied to sodomy committed against minors, against non-consenting adults, or in public,” but fails to mention that what he wants to keep on the books criminalizes the private behavior of consenting grownups.

Protecting The Children is a noble cause, certainly — only Cucinelli isn’t trying to protect The Children at all. He’s just continuing a bizarre career crusade against Gays Gaying all over the place. As Israel points out, in 2009, Cuccinelli told a newspaper that he believes it should be okay for the state to regulate the sexual behavior of grown ass adults, because homosexual acts are inherently wrong.

I’m far from the only one who has long-suspected that at the root of the GOP’s moral panic legislating is an irrational, paralyzing fear of non-religiously-sanctioned sex (or any sex that doesn’t include heterosexual male dominion over a subjugated, church-assigned female— THANK YOU GENDER STUDIES CLASSES I TOOK IN COLLEGE), but this. It’s like they’re not even trying to hint at pretending anymore. How are you going to campaign against oral sex and then furrow your brow and scritch scratch your head about WHY the GOP is basically dead to young people and women? Anal I can take or leave, but running against oral? Dude, you might as well run against corgi puppies or cat videos or ice cream or hugs.