V Is For Valerie, A Hot Valentine

Today is V-Day — Valerie Day, that is. And lucky Val inspires nothing if not love.

Like Francesca, Valerie is a hot name. But while Francesca simmers, Valerie crackles. She’s the baking soda in your vinegar, the Pop Rocks in your Coke. She has curly hair, and freckles, and she wears boys’ underwear that rides up above her jeans. She has a gap in her teeth, and she kind of smells because she doesn’t believe in showering all the time, but this makes her more attractive, not less. Everything about Valerie exudes sex appeal — especially her name.

V names all have strong associations for me — Victorias are serious, Violets are prim, Veronicas are cold, rich bitches (of course). Virginias are prudish, and Valerie — well, the name looks like both “valentine” and “vagina,” in the best way possible. But those hoping for some Val action this Sunday, take note — she may have other plans.

Valerie Bertinelli — especially in the big-hair, Eddie Van Halen years — seems like the famous Valerie most likely to fit the bill I’ve laid out above. Other famous Vals may wear boys’ underwear in secret, but that’s not exactly what they’re known for. Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett, a former Chicago mover/shaker profiled in New York Magazine and Vogue, has better things to do than make you drool. And of course there’s Valerie Plame, the ex-CIA spy whose outing led to the indictment of Scooter Libby and one of the Bush administration’s biggest scandals. When Plame first met her second husband, then-ambassador Joseph Wilson, she apparently told him “she was an energy trader in Brussels.” While the name Valerie conjures, at least for me, images of let-it-all-hang-out hotness, Plame had to play her cards close to the vest.

But that doesn’t mean others haven’t sung her praises — literally. In “Valerie Plame,” the Decemberists sing,

Oh Valerie Plame
If that really is your name
I would shout the same
To the world

Which is pretty much what journalist Robert Novak did when he outed Plame in 2003. But I sympathize — Valerie’s a name for world-shouting. And given a recent uptick in popularity, the streets will no doubt soon ring with “Valeries” — especially on Valentine’s Day.

Valerie [Wikipedia]
Valerie [Baby Name Wizard]
Valerie Plame [Wikipedia]
New Decemberists – “Valerie Plame” [Stereogum]

Earlier: U Is For Ursula, Who’s Due For A Comeback
T Is For Taylor, A Trend That Should Die
S Is For Samantha, A Soccer-Playing, Hair-Modeling Ninja
R Is For Rachel, From Routine To Rad
Q Is For … Um …
P Is For Paula, Who’s A Little Bit Nutty
O Is For Olivia: Precocious, Passionate, & Up For A Lesbian Cruise
N Is For Natasha, A Femme Fatale
M Is For Michelle, An Elegant Mystery
L Is For Lisa, Whose Looks Are Deceiving
K Is For Kate, Who Kicks Ass, Takes Names
J Is For Jennifer, The Vanilla Of Names
I Is For Isabel, Who’s Snooty, But Earns It
H Is For Hillary, A Barrel Of Laughs
G Is For Grace – What’s That Up Her Sleeve?
F Is For Francesca, And I Wish I Were Her
E Is For Emily, Who Seems Sweet (At First)
D Is For Danielle (Or Dani, Who’s Apparently Kinda Judgey)
C Is For Courtney, Who’s Too Cool For School
B is for Beth (And Barack! And Bandana!)
A Is For Anna: What My First Name Says About Me