Is Beyoncé pregnant? Is Beyoncé pregnant? Is Beyoncé pregnant? Is Beyoncé pregnant? — The sound and the fury of the Internet, signifying nothing except not minding its own beeswax. (Also, I bet Beyoncé’s not pregnant.)
“Multiple sources” are using their X-ray vision on Bey’s womb, a glorious Swedish sauna papered with glitter glue and Beyoncé clippings, to determine if any animal, mineral or vegetable is chilling therein. Apparently “pictures have emerged on blogs of what looks like a baby bump from recent [Mrs. Carter World Tour] dates,” and the Givenchy belted dress she wore to the Met Gala was “suspicious” as well, or something, whatever.
Last week Bey told Good Morning America: “I would like more children. I think my daughter needs some company. I definitely love being a big sister. [But it’ll happen] at some point, when it’s supposed to happen.” [Page Six, Metro.co.uk]
After 37 years in the biz, Barbara Walters plans to retire from ABC (The View included) in 2014 to focus on her longtime passion, fronting the heavy metal band Slayer.
“I am very happy with my decision and look forward to a wonderful and special year ahead both on ‘The View’ and with ABC News.”
She continued, “I created ‘The View’ and am delighted it will last beyond my leaving it.
Who will fill Barb’s seat on The View?! She’s irreplaceable. (Psst, ABC, replace her with any of the men in this video.) [TMZ]
The Klardarshairns aren’t liking how Kanye West is treating Kim, perhaps because they were under the impression that Kim had been in a serious relationship with Disney Prince ectoplasm instead of the guy who wrote “Have you ever had sex with a Pharoah? Put the pussy in a sarcophagus.”
“Like everyone else, Kim’s sisters and mom saw the video of Kim and Kanye in Paris. They were more than a little shocked, to say the least!. Kris told a friend she couldn’t believe that Kanye didn’t think it was the right thing for him to do to open the door for a six-month pregnant woman. But Kris has long lamented that it’s always been all about Kanye — and not Kim.”
“He’s ambivalent about spending time with Kim and the family unit. As everyone knows, the Kardashians are a tight-knit group so it has comes as a shock to everyone that Kanye just doesn’t want to spend time with them. When he does, it’s like he’s got eyes on the exit door to make a quick getaway.”
But also who can blame him? I can barely listen to a recording of Khloe say “Lamaaaaaaaaaaaaar” without becoming a nun and then jumping into a volcano. [Radar Online]
Goop Paltrow got drunk at an Australian talk show appearance and literally toasted to “our hairless vaginas.” Some things we learn during her enthralling discussion of pube maintenance, related to her Iron Man 3 premiere dress emergency razor situation:
“I have a big ’70s bush.” [panicky, adds] “JUST KIDDING!”
“I look like an 8-year-old girl, basically.”
“Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.”
Same. Does she get them waxed into the shape of a flowering zucchini plant? [NYDN]
- Jennifer Aniston has become your tough 6th grade English teacher Mrs. Gaydos. [NYDN]
- Michael Lohan paid his child support, which is, sadly, news. [TMZ]
- Michael Douglas wishes everyone would be less judgmental of the way he and Matt Damon onscreen-bang in Behind the Candelabra. [People]
- Kim Kardarshiarn wrote a Mother’s Day ode to her E!-era Mama Rose of a matriarch, Kris Jenner: “My mom is a strong and ambitious career woman that despite her busy schedule and the millions of things she has going on, she still manages to put family first and continues to sell our souls for money look out for us every day.” [People]
- Cory Monteith turned 31. Happy birthday, Cory Monteith. [People]
- Reese Witherspoon dyed her hair blonde again after her auspicious turn as a brunette (Archie comics and Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” being two seminal scientific links between female dispositions : hair pigmentation). [Us Weekly]
- Kate Middleton went to a Muggle friend’s wedding. [Us Weekly]
- Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez fans often send Miley Cyrus death threats. (Also: Miley calls her Twitter followers “Smilers.” Just wanted to bring that nugget to y’alls attention.) [Gossip Cop]
- Ryan Murphy recruited Angela Bassett and Patti LuPone for Season 3 of American Horror Story because what that show clearly needs is more camp. [Vulture]
- Selena Gomez is single/Bieberless. [Kiss 108]
- James Franco might be dating the Khaleesi. [Page Six]
- Jessica Simpson’s (understandably!) mad at Nick Lachey for making that gay joke about her dad. [Radar Online]
- Debra Messing’s (understandable!) concern about being on Will and Grace: “I didn’t want to be just the pretty, straight girl in the corner while the guys did all the funny stuff.” [NYDN]
- Every time I read stuff like this about Cameron Diaz I think about the rumor that Ana Faris’s character in Lost in Translation was based on her. [Page Six]
- Celebrity Clue: Questlove. Chelsea. Food stand. [Page Six]
- Katy Perry sang “Beast of Burden” with Sex Crypt Keeper Mick Jagger live in Vegas. [Gossip Cop]