True Blood: It's Been A Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You

The return of True Blood was reminscent of a hip-hop song: “It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you.” Viewers weren’t the only ones trying to remember what the hell happened in Bon Temps since we last visited. Sookie was also awash in confusion. Last season’s finale, in September, raised all kinds of questions, only some of which were answered in this first episode.

While we were gone, Sookie was hanging at a glowing fruit party. She met her fairy godmother, her grandaddy Earl, and the Fairy Queen Mab, who seems pretty fucking evil. While in fairyland, Sookie refused to eat the glowing fruit and fucked shit up real good by using her Street Fighter Hadouken on the Queen. Suddenly, Sookie and Grandaddy Earl found themselves at war with the fairies somewhere in near Joshua Tree, California. Bombs were thrown, things were said. Sookie jumped into an abyss and found herself back in Bon Temps, but Grandaddy Earl didn’t make it. When Sookie returned home — where she found her house being renovated — Jason told her the truth: At first she thought she’d been in fairyland for 2 weeks — but she’d been gone from Earth for 12 and a half months.

A lot changed while Sookie was gone:

• Lafayette and his boyfriend have started hanging out with covens.
• Arlene’s baby decapitates Barbie dolls.
• Hoyt and Jess are living together, but she doesn’t cook for him like he wishes she would. She does like to go dancing and eyefuck other dudes, though.
• Not a change, but worth mentioning: Pam is hot and her waist is tiny.
• Bill is a politician now.
• Tara is now named Toni. And an MMA fighter. And in a sexual relationship with a woman.
• Andy Bellefleur is addicted to V.
• Something weird is going on between Tommy and Hoyt’s mom.
• Sam has a bunch of shape-shifter friends with whom he likes horsing around.
• Jason’s been feeding the kids of Hotshot, and they repay his kindness by locking him in a meat freezer.
• Bill is the new Vampire King Of Louisiana.

Erik now owns Sookie’s house, which means she cannot keep him out. It seems as though he would like to fuck her, bite her, or both, simultaneously. When he sees her naked he says, “You are mine.”

All in all, the first episode of the new season set up a bunch of scenarios, but felt a litte disjointed and herky-jerky. The best part — besides Hoyt and Jessica’s fight — was Neko Case and Nick Cave’s cover of “She’s Not There.” In other words: The end.