Is there anything that stupid assholes love more than unfunny rape jokes? The latest installment in the saga of the neverending love affair between awful men and the women who don't want to have sex with them comes from one of the Phi Kappa Tau brothers at Georgia Tech, and it's a doozy. Called "Luring Your Rapebait," it's got everything a douchebag could want: rap slang, dude slang, and, most importantly, dick slang.
According to Total Frat Move, the Guide was penned by ΦKT’s social chair Matthew Peterson, who pumped his brothers' inboxes full (no homo!) of the following stupidity:
“Alright chods, some of you could use some help on how to mack and succeed at parties. Mostly pledges do, but some bros could use a review. For anytime throughout the party… If you are standing by yourself at any point, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!!! If you are talking to a brother of your pledge brothers when there are girls just standing around, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!!!
Ok, if it is before midnight… A group of girls is standing around, grab a bro or pledge bro and go talk to them. First, introduce yourself and get their name, ask if they are having a good time, and then ask if they want anything to drink. If they say yes, walk them to the bar and tell them what we have to drink. If they say no and they look like they are in a sorority, ask them if they are in a sorority (DUH). If not, choose one of the following: where are you living, where are you from, have you been here before, how are classes going, or where all have you been tonight. Then proceed to have a conversation. IF THEY ARE HAMMERED AT ANY POINT BEFORE MIDNIGHT, JUST SKIP THE CHIT CHAT AND GO DANCE.
Midnight or after, if you have been talking for awhile and they’ve had a couple drinks, ask if they want to dance. If you see an untalked to group or a solo girl, go up to her and ask if she wants anything to drink. If she says yes, get her a drink and then ask if she wants to dance. If she says no, ask her to dance. DANCING IS FUN!!!!! Always try to dance. If she does not want to dance and is with friends, say “aw thats no fun” (or something like that) and then ask one of her friends.
Here is how to dance: Grab them on the hips with your 2 hands and then let them grind against your dick. After that slowly alternate between just putting your hand across their stomach, but make sure don’t to go to high (keep it under the boob) or too low(dont try to finger her… yet). After a song, start putting your cheek on the side of her cheek. ALWAYS USE YOUR HANDS OR ARMS TO GUIDE THEIR DANCING in order to maximize your pleasure. If she starts putting her hair over her ear, THAT MEANS SHE WANTS A KISS. Therefore, try to give her a kiss on the cheek. They usually like that and nothing really should ebcome of it. In the case, go for the neck kiss. If for some reason they aren’t down for a cheek kiss, just dance through it or say you are going to get another drink and see if they want one. And then repeat from the beginning.
If the party is going good (a.k.a. there are a lot of open girls) try to escalate cause it’s awesome. Here is how to escalate: Try to twist her hips around to face you and dance front to front. FROM THERE THE OPTIONS ARE UNLIMITED! You can make-out with her (tongue on tongue), you can stick your hand up her shirt (not right away though), you can go for a butt grab (outside or inside the shirts), or use your imagination. ALWAYS START WITH THE MAKING OUT!!!! NO RAPING.
A short guide consist of the 7 E’s of HOOKING UP! 1. Encounter (spot a girl or group of girls) 2. Engage (go up and talk to them) 3. Escalate (ask them to dance, or ask them to go up to your room or find a couch, depending on what kind of party) 4. Erection (GET HARD) 5. Excavate (should be self-explanatory) 6. Ejaculate (should also be self explanatory) 7. Expunge (send them out of your room and on their way out when you are finished. IF ANYTHING EVER FAILS, GO GET MORE ALCOHOL. I want to see everyone succeed at the next couple parties.
Hoo boy. First, I'd advise Mr. Peterson to leave the comedy writing to the professionals because even if this were about something that wasn't trying to get a drunk girl to touch you on the peen it would have hurt my brain to read.
Second, even though the Luring Your Rapebait guide explicitly condemns raping IN ALL CAPS, a lot of what's encouraged is kinda... rapey. Girls don't like it when guys grind their dicks against them. Dancing isn't the same as vertical dry humping! And what's appealing about fucking a drunk person? Bros, if you want to ejaculate after trysting with an unsteady, dehydrated person, sleep funny on your arm and then try to jerk off before the feeling returns to your hand.
I reached out to both Mr. Peterson and Phi Kappa Tau, but haven't heard back. Maybe I should tuck my hair behind my ears so they, you know, get the message that I want it.
Image via Shutterstock.