Tiger Loose in French Suburbs Not Actually Tiger, So Like, What Is It

As of yesterday, everything in the Paris metropolitan area seemed so simple, or at least as simple as everything can seem in the Paris metropolitan area when there is a tiger on the loose. But as of today, this sightseeing road tiger has been revealed to be not a tiger but rather a dark and pressing mystery.

“The presence of an animal of the tiger species is now ruled out,” said local authorities, contradicting the Seine-et-Marne deputy police chief’s statement yesterday, which was “It’s a tiger, for sure.” The police and fire departments have been securing children in their schools and homes and searching the town with tranquilizer guns and a helicopter, but now, because the tiger is no longer a tiger, the threat level for the area has been “downgraded.”

Counterpoint: the threat level should be upgraded, as there is nothing more dangerous than the unknown.

Further question: like, WHAT IS IT?

The animal trying desperately to get into EuroDisney could be any of the following:

• A lynx

• A tabby cat exposed to radiation

• A tiger in a lynx suit

• A bear that sort of looks like a tiger

• My dog on a nice French vacation

• The ghost of an ancient Chinese peasant once killed by a tiger, now malformed into a supernatural being known as “Chang”

• One of these situations

• Aslan

• Garfield

• The Second Coming

• One of the Dames blanches, folkloric French supernatural beings who lurk in ravines trying to attract notice from the public

• Your mom in a catsuit

• ME (who can prove it’s not)

• The physical embodiment of the collectively repressed sins of the quiet French town of Montevrain

• A common ghost

• A tiger after all

Who knows?

We will stay abreast of this shuddering mystery as it continues to develop.

Image via Getty.