We're only twenty-two days away from Halloween, so why haven't you started your holiday shopping yet, you lazy ass? No fear, if you happen to have legally inherited a large sum of cash recently, you might want to check out the Neiman Marcus holiday catalog for some excellent gift ideas. I kid, but I truly love this thing. It is a shining example of American excess and the incredibly creative ways rich people find to spend their money.

For the non-millionaires among you, there are some fairly sensible options like these $85 earrings or this $40 jewelry box. If anyone is planning on getting me a gift, I discovered two things I didn't know I needed but now am confident I can't live without: a Top Hat Champagne Cooler and a Faux-Fur-Covered Ice Scraper. Thanks in advance.

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But if you're a real big spender, please turn your attention to the Fantasy Gifts section. (I should note that Neiman Marcus is donating a portion of proceeds to charity with the purchase of each of the Fantasy Gifts which is a nice gesture.)

Vanity Fair Academy Awards® Experience, $425,000

Now, you don't actually get to attend the Oscars, but you do get to go to the Vanity Fair party, which, honestly, is probably the better end of the stick anyway. If that price tag seems laughably absurd, that's because it is. Off the top of my head, I can think of about twelve different ways to get into the Vanity Fair party that won't cost you half a million dollars. Rich people, I will divulge this information to you for the bargain price of just $20,000. Tweet me for details.

Preston Bailey Peacock Floral Sculptures, $25,000-$65,000

What I love about this gift is that it's specifically a peacock sculpture. Are you more of a flamingo gal? Tough luck. You will receive a massive floral peacock, and you will like it. I would like to point out that the price does not include the actual flowers or the delivery, which I imagine would be the bulk of the overall cost. Also, be aware that the delivery will take approximately four months, leaving you with plenty of time to think up scenarios in which a massive blooming peacock is an appropriate fixture.

Tanqueray No. Ten Imperial Shaker by Jason Crawley, $35,000

I don't fully understand what this is. I don't particularly care to know what this is, either. What I would like to focus on here is the fact that this booze version of the game Mouse Trap comes with a year's supply of Tanqueray which, I quote, is "not to exceed four cases." Four cases? You can blow through four cases with seven friends between Christmas and New Years Day. Is now really the time to be stingy, Neiman Marcus?

His & Hers Vilebrequin Quadski, $50,000 each

Because like me, you probably have never heard of such a thing:

Jet ski meets ATV in this Quadski duo, which you can only purchase through NM. Hailed as the world's best high-speed amphibians, they convert from water cruisers to land lovers in just under five seconds.

Those things look like nothing more than a real quick way to die. I think absurdly rich people live lives of such comfort and stability that they actively look for temporary ways to feel the thrill of being scared or in danger. The rest of us already have that covered when we check our bank accounts the morning after a night of drinking or end up in an unfamiliar neighborhood because we were trying to get a good deal on a new couch from Craigslist.

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With 76 days left until Christmas, if you start saving now, you'll probably be able to afford at least five minutes at the Vanity Fair Oscar party.

Images via Neiman Marcus