This Week in Tabloids: Tom Cruise Hasn't Seen Suri in 540 Days
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, in which two 30-year-old blondes have a passive-aggressive conversation after their Pilates class where one’s like, “Oh, you’re so good for going twice today, I usually do that but I had my baby shower” and the other’s like, “Oh my god but I’m normally so bad, I just went twice because I’m eating out so much to celebrate my engagement” and you enthusiastically throw yourself down the stairwell screaming that you could have had it all.
This week, everyone hates everyone; Kylie Jenner and Selena Gomez *BOTH* want *BUTT IMPLANTS*, Taylor Swift’s banging Calvin Harris, and Harry Styles gets $800 sheep placenta facials like the totally hot and interesting dude he is. Let’s just dive right in.
Life & Style
Addicted to Cocaine
Omg, it was just a huuuuge weekend, don’t look at me like that. First, I have to note that there is a series of ads in this magazine consisting of pages that look exactly like Life & Style and feature the magazine’s logo and typefaces except featuring teen witches in some show called Witch War. “Will Their Love Survive the Witch War,” one headline asks. The answer is PROBABLY NOT, I BET, NOW THAT U ASK IT LIKE THAT. First up is the bitchy, mentally stunted “who’s got the best [BLANK]” feature—which said that Naya Rivera’s bronzer looked Oompa-Loompa-y a bit ago; she’s half-black—is literally comparing eyelashes. Who had the best eyelashes?? Should your eyelashes really be required to have a “look”??? Well, Teresa Ikea Monkey Guidice‘s eyelashes “looked crazy” in prison and she said that prison is “starting to take control” of her, which seems like what it’s supposed to do.
Here is hands down the best story in all of these tabloids this week: Donald Trump went to an LA restaurant on whose walls there is a portrait of Donald Trump wearing a rooster on his head. That’s amazing. They shouldn’t have taken it down, they should have made him sit under it. Jessica Biel “munched on mini turkey melts and vegetable snacks” with Justin Timberlake at a “Gourmet Chop Shop” in LA. Oh my god that couple just seems like they’re having sooooo much fun with each other. Harry Styles gets $800 sheep placenta facials. Mine are even more expensive! Jude Law and his ex just had Law’s fifth baby. You just keep fertilizing, Jude!
We have another reminder that Jezebel nemesis Ansel Elgort said, about Shailene Woodley: “I’ve never once wanted her sexually, which is nice.” Our prayers are with Shailene as she recovers from the news that she’s been spared a truly unpleasant experience. There’s a thing noting that Rihanna is dressing more conservatively right now because she’s doing promo for that cartoon movie, which I hadn’t noticed, and she looks great anything she does.
Kourtney & Scott’s $50 Million Split: apparently Life & Style has “exclusively learned that Scott Disick is addicted to cocaine.” I literally don’t know a single thing about this man except that he asks people to call him Lord Disick and he cheats on his woman a lot—so OF COURSE HE’S ADDICTED TO COCAINE. He has been “bleeding Kourtney dry,” oh my godddd, someone take Kourtney to the hospital. He bought $11k of YSL boots? Someone send this guy to a work camp. Kourtney broke up with him as he checked into a Costa Rica rehab center, which sounds pretty awesome: it has zip-lining and waterfall trips AND uses ibogaine, which is controversial but really seems like th emove. There’s a thing about how Miley is substance-abusing since seeing Patrick Schwarzenegger snuggling up to another girl, there’s a thing about how Jessica Biel and Justin T are fighting over baby stuff (he supposedly wants to raise the kid in Memphis, while Jessica Biel wants Montana, LOL). The magazine also suggest that you wear arm shape-wear if your arms are jiggly. Arm Spanx! Let the women of America live or make Ted Cruz wear this shit too.
Grade: D (sitting across from Jessica Biel and making conversation about assorted vegetables)
inTouch
540 Days Without Daddy
The witch ads are back, goddammit. Okay, here’s a quote from Katy Perry in a new documentary about Russell Brand: “I think you’re a genius and you make me look good. That’s why I picked you.” Emmy Rossum has to live next to Justin Bieber now, which blows. 86,000 racists signed a petition to get Kanye West to not do Glastonbury. Adam Levine threw a broken mic into the crowd in Toronto because he was pissed at it, and it hit a fan’s head. Here’s literally a spread of celebrities who are walking around when it’s windy.
Next up, Nicole Kidman really wants to have a baby and is heartbroken about it, obsessed, and she’s been cozying up to Chiwetel Ejiofor and talking about her problems on the set of The Secret in Their Eyes. “Diva” Keith Urban is mad about this and is like, can’t we just focus on me and my sober companion that I have to have with me at all times?? Like Dante on Nashville? *wink* *steals all your money* Kim K is Team Kris and hates her dad now for all his CHANGES because she thinks her dad should just stick with the fam, and be more grateful to Kris Jenner for “making him relevant.” Rob continues to be the only one leading the way in the family by turning to the dark side of reason and posting horrible things about his horrible sisters whenever he pleases. Apparently Taylor Swift has reached out to John Mayer to ask about doing a song together, eeeeenteresting.
Here’s the cover story— it’s apparently been 540 days since Tom Cruise has seen Suri (who’s about to turn 9) in person. So says an insider, and they definitely haven’t been photographed together since September 2013. This is bad because trust issues etc whatever. Katie Holmes only gets $400k a month in child support, but she can ask for more. There’s an article that starts “It was like she was on a mission.” and then launches into a story about Mariah Carey walking into a restaurant to order mozzarella sticks and lobster tail. Good for Mariah Carey! Apparently Scott Disick went to a bar with his rehab bodyguards on the way back from rehab. And apparently Zayn went home from the One Direction tour not because of “stress” or because everyone knows he’s cheating on his girlfriend, but because he’s sick of the band’s “cheesy image”—this a story that doesn’t mention Zayn’s girlfriend thing, so hello Zayn PR Inc. WHOA AND NOW HE’S DONE FOREVER GUYS.
Grade: D+ (having to bartend for Scott Disick on the way back from rehab)
OK!
New Diets That Work
Are you kidding me with this cover this is the most boring thing I’ve ever seen in my life. But first, here are the witch ads, as is tradition, and second, here is Drunk and Pilled-Out Jessica Simpson who is tweaking the F out when she does red carpet interviews. RIP Jess—she is having to be the “dean” of Teen Vogue’s “Fashion University” and the duties are really getting to her. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad might be trying to get the same spot on Fashion Police: maybe they should just host it together and fight. Selena Gomez wants butt implants! “Is it possible to resemble a walking bottle of Pepto Bismol and still look absolutely gorgeous? If you’re Rihanna, the answer is yes!” yells a caption. The assumption that everyone should look as boring as possible all the time is so incredibly boring too! IMPORTANT SHARK TANK NEWS: Robert Herjavec is ROMANCING his DANCING WITH THE STARS PARTNER, and his EX-WIFE IS NOT PLEASED OMG. Christina Aguilera flirted with Nick Jonas on the Voice and HER HUSBAND IS NOT PLEASED OMG.
I am really going to do poor coverage of this diet spectacular: I just ate four huge meatballs and a bunch of rigatoni at Gawker catered lunch and I’m still hungry. How about this: work out every day and eat protein and vegetables, that’s literally how they all do it. OR, they take a fuck ton of Vyvanse, which is a great diet because that shit is insane and Britney Spears apparently went to rehab between Thanksgiving and Christmas because she was addicted to it. Apparently her dad controls her “styling, spending and diet,” which sounds awful. More Scott Disick: he’s gonna get $8 million from E! if he keeps going with the show, so he’s superrrrr committed to getting better so he can do whatever he does on this show I’ve never seen. Taylor Swift is banging Calvin Harris now, related to the fact that Calvin just broke up with his girlfriend; they flirted at the Brits, he flew her out for a Vegas gig. Robin Wright injects exactly ONE unit of Botox into her face, twice a year. Also, this says WHOOPI GOLDBERG was vying for the role of Buttercup against Robin Wright? Why would she not get cast???????????
Grade: F (having “celebrity diets” be a phrase you’ve ever typed or said out loud, RIP me)
Star
$120 Million Divorce!
Four out of four with the witch ads. ” Mary’s long-lost son. Is he human…. or a demon in disguise?” Well, now we know the answer, don’t we. More about how Rob Kardashian called Kim the “bitch from Gone Girl” on his Facebook. She’s a blonde now, I know! Kylie Kardashian might be trying to get FAT so that she can get her fat transferred to her butt. That is amazing—if it was painless and totally safe and free, I’d definitely get fat so I could do that too. Matthew Perry lost $20k at 6 a.m. at a casino in Los Angeles recently—where’s the assistant to give you the Xanax and put you to bed, bro? Rumer Willis is caught in a love triangle with your mom, just kidding HER MOM, and also her Dancing With the Stars partner. Aww, teeny baby Ariana Grande is setting up a thing with an animal rescue group at her Madison Square Garden shows, and she’s paying everyone’s adoption fees that adopts at the show—what a good, nice baby, it’s so cute when they’re not afraid of dogs!!! Demi Lovato celebrated three years of sobriety by going to Disneyland, a place guaranteed to make you want a drink. Taylor Schilling from OITNB is dating Carrie Brownstein?? MAYBEEEE?
Okay, here’s the cover story: Faith Hill has kicked Tim McGraw out of the house. He is living at the “estate” near their “mansion,” which sounds just awful. They had a fight after the Oscars, it’s because Tim was maybe cheating, maybe most recently with a “gorgeous young masseuse who traveled with him on tour,” which, hahaha. Faith has had control of their assets since Tim got in a car crash with Kenny Chesney in 2008 (this is sounding like an episode of Nashville, and I like it) and now she’s been emasculating him to the point of infidelity and they’re both just GETTING TOO THIN. More Britney: her dad is so controlling with the money, supposedly, that she couldn’t buy her son an iPad………….. OKAY GUYS someone needs to get this woman to the moon, or to a log cabin somewhere so she can just get some sleep and not be performing in Vegas.
Taraji P. Henson’s college boyfriend was stabbed in a fight that he initiated in another couple’s apartment, and the woman knifed him to death. THAT’S CRAZY, she’s in prison now. Kris Jenner went to Cancun with Melanie Griffith and Dakota Johnson, who she’s trying to sign under management. Probably not I bet.
Grade: D- (talking to Kris Jenner when you really need to take a shit)
Addendum:
Fig. 1, Life & Style
Fig. 2 & 3, inTouch
Fig. 4, Life & Style