This Week In Tabloids: Prince Harry's About to Be a Daddy, and Queen Mommy Ain't Happy
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we suddenly start thinking about how much candy we’ve eaten over the past few weeks, get freaked out for the sake of our teeth, decide it’s time to start reading tabloids to get our mind off tooth decay, find three of the magazines, have trouble obtaining Star, and just sort of go with it because honestly, what’s the difference between any of these things anyway and also I really want another bag of Haribo.
This week: George and/or Amal are pregnant, Prince Harry and/or his girlfriend are pregnant, and Katie Holmes is getting revenge on Tom Cruise.
Life & Style
ROYAL SCANDAL: A BABY FOR HARRY
OK, everyone. This is going to be awkward for me (and probably for you, too) but we need to talk about something important and uncomfortable, and that something is how royal baby stories are made. You see, my darlings, when a fun-loving and hunky red-headed prince is seen with a 19-year-old blonde woman who isn’t his wife, people start assuming they are sleeping together in a special way that makes the Queen very upset and the 19-year-old woman very pregnant. After those assumptions are made, anonymous people we call “sources” begin talking to tabloids like Life & Style, saying things like, “It’s the biggest scandal the royals could ever face.” Then, additional anonymous people who go by “insiders” start coming out of the woodwork to give statements like, “The Queen adores Harry, but she would do everything in her power to keep the child secret.” Soon after that, we all forget about the 19-year-old woman and wait 9 months, when another story about the hunky prince knocking someone else up makes headlines. Phew. We did it. You doing OK?
Next up, we’re going to talk about Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez, who have recently filed for divorce from each other. This is Berry’s third divorce, and Life & Style appears to have cracked one of the most mythical questions of our generation: why does she always pick Mr. Wrong?
The answer has many parts:
- She “can’t stand to be single.” Don’t know where they’re getting this, but OK!
- She “rushes” to get married after pregnancies. This feels like a provable fact, so I’ll allow it.
- Her “picker” is broken. This is something Berry has actually said. I don’t know what a “picker” is, but I’m pretty sure she shouldn’t be talking about it in public.
- She’s obsessed with “self-sabotage.” This isn’t something Berry said, but something decided by a family therapist named Bash (that’s apparently his full name, by the way) who Life & Style spoke to. I don’t know who Bash is, but he sounds smart.
And Also:
- You probably forgot about Sofia Vergara’s embryo scandal, but…SURPRISE! It’s back and she’s going to trial.
- NBC is so worried about Jimmy Fallon. So am I, to be honest!
- Ellen and Portia are fighting over kids again.
- One of the Sister Wives is leaving the other Sister Wives because she’s sick of being a Sister Wife.
- Every designer wants Kendall Jenner to stay away from plastic surgery.
- Nina Dobrev doesn’t tip!
- Bobby Finger doesn’t remember who Nina Dobrev is!
- Wear amethyst or I’ll freeze you in Carbonite.
- Wear florals or you’ll soon be pushing up daisies.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: C- (You wait on Nina Dobrev.)