Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we buy magazines at the old, good magazine store because the new magazine store because is officially more unreliable than Blake Shelton’s claims that he wasn’t the one who just farted. This week, Pippa and Harry are doin’ it (sex), Tom and Suri are doin’ it (Scientology), Reese and Jim are doin’ it (sleeping in separate beds), and Dolly and Carl are doin’ it (bein’ happy together.)

Let’s get this started.


OK!

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: PIPPA & PRINCE HARRY: CAUGHT!

Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton are fucking, have been fucking for three months, and will continue fucking until one of them dies. This is a relief, because there has apparently been so much sexual tension (not to mention all the flying sparks) between the two royal/royal-adjacent fuckers for years that it was becoming dangerous for their relationship to remain unconsummated. Kate is “less than thrilled,” which is insane, and William “told them they needed to knock it off.” “It” = “fucking,” which is apparently what they were doing when he WALKED IN ON THEM recently. Harry’s face “went bright red, and Pippa buried her face in his chest,” which, had it been unshaven, would have also been bright red. Congrats to the happy couple. I look forward to imagining their family dinners.

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I honestly can’t bring myself to care about Courtney Cox’s “split from fiancé Johnny McDaid.” First of all, who is Johnny McDaid? Second of all, Courtney will be just fine. It’s like I always say: why get married when you’re friends with Jennifer Aniston?

Sarah Hyland can’t stop drinking wine. She’s probably drinking wine right now, and she’ll probably be drinking wine long after you put your tired little head on your pillow tonight. An insider once saw her drink four glasses at lunch (impressive), and Hyland herself has tweeted things like, “[Hanging at home with] a glass...or two bottles,” which was a not-so-subtle hit at her wine addiction. And we all know the next step for every Modern Family star who becomes hooked on that grape shit: a wine-off with Julie Bowen. (Bowen has never lost.)

And Also:

  • Val Kilmer “might” have throat cancer.
  • Apple and Moses Martin flipped out in an LA restaurant because Gwyneth wouldn’t let them have dessert.
  • Kristen Wiig’s hair is a thin, brittle, goddamned mess, so she’s going to start wearing...wiigs.
  • Is Adam Levine fucking a contestant on The Voice? Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares.
  • Is Jessica Simpson going to get her own sitcom? Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares.
  • Hilaria Baldwin “doesn’t trust” Demi Moore, who’s currently shooting a movie with Alec Baldwin.
  • Chris Rock’s 2008 adoption was apparently never officialized, which means it might, uh, “qualify as a case of child trafficking.”
  • Jen and Justin are going to launch a “his and hers fashion line” that I will probably like and probably be unable to afford.

Grade: B+ (Your brother starts dating Pippa Middleton.)


In Touch

SCIENTOLOGY SHOCKER: TOM’S TAKING SURI

But where!?!? Where is Tom taking Suri?! Let’s open this piece of trash and find out. Oh. Scientology. He wants to take her to Scientology. The Celebrity Centre isn’t Disneyland, but I heard John Travolta roams the ground in mouse ears, so that’s sort of close. Anyway, yes, Tom Cruise, despite the fact that he “hasn’t seen” Suri “in more than two years,” wants to take her from Katie Holmes and make her “a part of his religion.” Meanwhile, Katie Holmes is like, “No.” So. I guess he’s not going to take her after all.

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Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani mixed their personal extracts together and now something new and upsetting is growing inside one of them. Yes, you read that right: Gwen Stefani is pregnant with Blake Shelton’s baby. Well, maybe she is. They’re both “glowing,” which suggests a baby, but no one at In Touch can tell if she’s pregnant of if they’re just adopting. I’d totally understand if Gwen decided to avoid giving Shelton’s Coors Light-flavored genes another shot on this planet.

Look at this interview with LeAnn Rimes:

And Also:

  • Betty White doesn’t want people to sell panties with her face on it, which I can relate to.
  • Kim has been “crying nonstop” since the birth of Saint.
  • Gwyneth and Chris may be back together.
  • Something boring about the Duggars.
  • Something boring about Courtney Cox.
  • Something boring about Yolanda Foster.
  • Wear merlot or I’ll make it pour out of you.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (Your guilty pleasure is food.)


Star

DRUNKEN BRAWLS! REESE WITHERSPOON: $135 MILLION DIVORCE SHOCKER

Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth’s marriage has COLLAPSED, and not even a wine-off can save it. It all started back in 2013, when Jim was arrested for DUI and she made a drunken fool out of herself in a dashcam video. (“I’m pregnant and I need to go to the bathroom,” she famously lied.) Insiders say their marriage never recovered from that embarrassing episode, which I believe, because hoo-boy! They sleep in separate bedrooms and “fight over everything,” and divorce might be right around the corner. The only thing that keeps them from ripping their marriage contract into teensy tiny little bits is the love for their children. A source says “Jim adores all three of them,” even though two were fathered by Witherspoon’s ex, frequent beach-goer and gym member Ryan Phillipe.

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Kylie Jenner does not have HIV. This shouldn’t be a thing I need to tell you all, but tabloids still like using “HIV” in headlines as a way of getting readers to gasp. So. What happened was that Kylie found out that one of Tyga’s friends had been in a “close relationship” with Charlie Sheen at one point in time. She was “floored” after finding out, and an insider said they “would be very surprised if she hasn’t gone and gotten herself tested...as a precaution.” Reminder: HIV is not transmitted via sex-free “close relationships.”

And Also:

  • Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green had a “sad Thanksgiving.”
  • When at playdates with her kids, Nicole Kidman arrives and “starts making petty demands of [other] parents in their own homes.”
  • Alessandra Ambrosio and Kendall Jenner are part of the galaxy’s most inconsequential feud.
  • Everyone on Last Man on Earth hates working with January Jones.
  • Ethan Hawke can’t stop working, which surprises me.
  • Adele reconciled with her father.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You watch the Anna Kendrick hit, Up In The Ass.)


Closer

DOLLY PARTON: MY LIFE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND

Hell yeah, it’s time to get closer to Closer. The most uplifting tabloid of them all had a big week of great news and shocking, though sort of cute, revelations. First of all, Dolly was on the cover. Doesn’t she look great? The 69-year-old singer opened up about her marriage (of nearly 50 years) to Carl Dean, and shared amazing insights like, “You need to have trust and mutual respect as well as friendship and laughs,” and, “We are very compatible.” Aw!

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Speaking of Aw!, Sandy B is so happy! Aw, she loves her new daughter Laila so much, and her new boyfriend Bryan Randall ain’t so bad either. Aw times 2! She’s just so happy all of the time, and Closer can’t freakin’ stand it. “The superstar finds herself surrounded by love,” they wrote before hyperventilating into a heart-shaped bag.

Uh oh, Carly Simon’s got some hot, decades-old goss to share! Here are comments she gave Closer on some of her steamiest relationships:

On Warren Beatty:

“[He was] naturally skilled at keeping several woman on the hook at the same time.”

Whoa there!

On Jack Nicholson:

Says an insider: “She’s always said Jack was a bit full of himself.”

Yowza!

On Mick Jagger:

“He was just a big flirt...Having sex would have actually cooled things off!”

Boi-oi-oing!

And Also:

  • Michael Landon: Beloved.
  • Elizabeth Taylor: Beloved.
  • Oprah: Beloved. (She starred in it, too!)
  • Marlee Matlin: Beloved.
  • Lester Holt: Beloved.
  • Jacqueline Bisset: Beloved.
  • Sequins: Totally in!

Wrong Answer:

Grade: A+ (Everything’s just going great!)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - Closer

Fig. 2 - In Touch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.