Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Kristine Gutierrez hits the newsstand for the latest issues of Ok!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, so that we may bathe in the sweet, sweet waters of gossip. This week: Kim, Kanye, the new baby and Kris are all crammed into a six-bedroom mansion; a mag has forced Kate Middleton into premature labor; and Miley Cyrus has a "secret drug problem" that can't be secret if she keeps talking about it.
"Jen: Pregnant and Alone!"
First of all, this image of Aniston talking on an iPhone while looking stressed out but beautiful and perfectly coiffed is a photo from 2010, when she was filming the movie Wanderlust. Okay? So: Jen's friends "believe" she is pregnant, stressed and worried beause Justin Theroux has "stormed out," which we all know is Brad Pitt's move, come on. J'Anthrax allegedly had an alleged fight, which allegedly broke off their alleged wedding. Moving on: Kate Middleton is all alone …surrounded by an army of servants. Not really though, she has her family for company while her husband Prince Willy is away for his job. It is interesting to see how nicely the magazine approaches the Prince's absence. He is apparently only awarded two weeks of paternity leave, which might be less than what Kanye West is giving to Kim, but a person who was born a spoiled, egotistical, royal brat is much sweeter than a self-made egotistical douchebag, right? Next, J. Lo's "MARRIAGE SHOCKER" is that she might go forth and marry Casper Smart, but without a prenup. It's a statement to prove that their love is for real, no prenup necessary. And then the question we have all been wondering gets asked: "Does Biebs think he's Michael Jackson?" The proof is there: They have both worn Sgt. Pepper-style jackets, both have had monkeys, and they're both singers. IT'S TRUE, GUYS. Finally, Tom Cruise pays $50,000 a week for super special bodyguards (some rumored to be ex-Mossad) to watch Suri 24/7. The total he pays for security is $2.5 million a year. We'd totally do it for one mil, Tom.
Grade: F (bathing in cat shit)
Life & Style
"Kate's Dramatic Delivery"
The royal baby of Kate Middleton and Prince William has arrived!!! Wow, since this magazine is the first to break the news, this issue must be selling like crazy! Except… Although the cover claims that within the magazine there are exclusive details on the royal birth, and that her family and security personnel were rushed to the hospital, KATE HAS NOT GIVEN BIRTH. Life & Style however, has given birth to a giant, reeking pile of bullshit. Like with any pregnancy, stress is involved. In Kate and Prince William's case, it is the Prince's absence and commitment to his job that is the culprit of all stress. He might not be able to make it to the royal delivery. All of Kate's servants are "frantically" prepping her hospital suite in preparation, because you know, royal servants are known for their procastination habits. What else? Everyone is talking about how Jake Gyllenhaal scored his new girlfriend, model Alyssa Miller, by incessantly stalking her via text while she was in a relationship. Finally, NeNe Leakes did get married again to her ex-husband. They spent $1.8 million on the lavish wedding with A-lists guests that we have never heard of. Congrats?
Grade: F (bathing in dog shit)
"Kim's Body Struggle"
The magazine really grabbed an exclusive scoop this week: they found out that Kim Kardashian is self-conscious about her weight. Who would have guessed? The cover claims that Kanye might leave Kim again, because who needs the truth when LIES are so much more fun! Kanye has not left Kim and assuming that he might do it again is false. Also, if Kim is worried about her body so soon after giving birth, it might be because In Touch needled, mocked and generally made a big deal about her pregnancy weight. Next: In an embarrassing and inappropriate attempt to legitimize a story that is not a story, a body-language DOCTOR (MD from Florida University at Bullshit?) explains how Liam Hemsworth is ready to leave Miley Cyrus despite her attempts to "hold on," by examining their body language. In an article on J. Lo and her supposed rocky relationship with Capser Smart, there is a cliffhanger that simply says that JLO and her ex Marc Anthony are going to be in NYC this summer...which might mean...(did you see what we did there?!).
Grade: F (bathing in horse shit)
"My First Days Home With Baby"
While the coverline is slightly misleading — Kim was not interviewed for this story — the mag did talk to one of her BFFs, Robin Antin, founder of the Pussycat Dolls, who has visited Kim and baby North — whom they call Nori. Robin says she walked in and saw Kim holding the baby and said, "Oh my God. You're a natural." And Kim said "I know — it's so weird!" Kanye loves holding Nori and doesn't leave her for more than an hour — although an "insider" says "he's not changing diapers." But he and Kim are staying at Kris Jenner's six-bedroom mansion — as are a 24-hour nurse, Bruce Jenner, Kanye's father Ray, Kanye's Aunt Shirlie, as well as Kendall and Kylie. Everyone squeeze in! Smells like a sitcom! A source says Kim and Kanye will get married and "the wedding will be very small when it happens." Mazel. Moving on! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your boyfriend Jason Statham is "ready" to propose to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Over in Cougar Town, Courteney Cox is back to dating her costar Brian Van Holt. Finally, Robert Pattinson gave a cool party for cool people like EL James, Eli Roth, Bret Easton Ellis, Michelle Rodriguez, Heather Graham and Warren Beatty; there were tacos served in the backyard and everyone (except SparkleVamp) danced. Sounds like someone is single and ready to mingle.
Grade: B- (covered in baby powder)
"Miley's Secret Drug Problem"
Oh, no: Miley Cyrus is in a "drug-fueled spiral." Unclear if she is spiralling up or down. The proof offered? Well, she called herself a "stoner" who "smokes way too much fucking weed." And: A party guest at the Met Ball says Miley was seen snorting "something suspicious" in the ladies' room. This eyewitness claims that Miley and four other young ladies were in a stall and "Miley put her finger over one nostril, bent down over the back of the toilet and snorted a white powder off it." The source also says that Miley was chain-smoking and "getting crazy" in the bathroom for at least 20 minutes, with the stall door open, and "almost looked like she didn't care that people saw her." Clearly. Miley was with Cara Delevingne that night, the model who, the day before the Met ball, was seen dropping a baggie of white powder on her doorstep. (Unless a photographer threw it at her and then took a picture, which, I mean, would it surprise you at all?) Anyway. Miley's fiancé Liam HOTworth (of the Hotworth brothers) told her she needs to clean up her act and said "it's me or the drugs," according to an anonymous insider we'll assume is an out-of-work soap opera script writer. Can we all agree that in terms of average American 20-year-old behavior, getting high with friends is the norm? Let's move on. Also inside: Kim Kardashian's first days as a mom are rough. She is having a "very hard time" breastfeeding" and is used to be the center of attention, so it's difficult for her to deal with Kanye being focused on Nori. YES. Jealous of her own damn child, says a "spy." Emilia Clarke, aka Daenerys Targaryen, wants to wear her platinum wig in public, but HBO won't let her. Jessica Biel asked her stylist for bigger and baggier clothes, therefore she is or is about to be pregnant. Eva Mendes turned 39 in March and told Ryan Gosling she wants to be engaged by the time she is 40. Ryan was already planning a proposal and has been in "secret talks" with a ring designer, so hey girl, be patient. Paula Deen's empire is "crumbling," and if you are wondering how much money is at stake, there's a handy chart (Fig. 1) for you. Hint: It's MILLIONS. Finally, we submit to you that in the history of literature and memoir, the most amazing "diary" ever "written" has got to be Courtney Stodden's "Boob Job Diary." Consider this eloquent passage: "I woke up and there I was, laying in the hospital with great boobies! They're beautiful, bouncy and bountiful!" (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (bathing in bong water)
Image 1, from Star
Image 2, from Star