Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and together we "read" the celebrity tabloids so you don't have to. This week: Prince Harry is on the verge of proposing to Cressida Bonas; a green juice diet has turned Kristen Stewart into a "raging witch"; and Lindsay Lohan made a list of the celebrity dudes she's fucked. Let's do this.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are going to have a June wedding with a "minimalist approach." Some minimalist highlights: there will be only 100 guests, a modest 7-course sit-down dinner with vegan options for each course will be served and Oprah will casually officiate. The fact that it will come one month after the rumored Brangelina wedding will serve as a "huge coup" (is that how we use that word?). In addition to making up every detail about this ceremony, Ok! has also helpfully provided some of the most fucked-up vows in the world (Fig. 1). In other news, Demi Moore called Mila Kunis to warn her that Ashton Kutcher is a cheater for life, according to an (NSA??) insider: "Mila was definitely stunned to hear Demi's voice on the other end of the line," says the government mole. "Mila just really listened and didn't say much." However, she adamantly believes that Ashton will be faithful to her. Okay, whatever. Moving on: Selena Gomez was wailing about Justin Bieber in the bathroom at the Vanity Fair Oscars party, like an extremely charismatic Moaning Myrtle. Taylor Swift ditched her to hang out with Jaime King and Ed Sheeran because she is just so over it, but Vanessa Hudgens was very comforting. Elsewhere in the magazine, John Mayer is telling everyone that Katy Perry couldn't satisfy him carnally, but that's just his dumb alpha-male bitterness talking.
Grade: F (shit list)
On the opening spread of this cover story about Kate Hudson and Halle Berry's "nasty splits," the text next to a photo of Kate in her Oscar dress reads "sparkling but solo"; the copy next to Halle in a sexy black dress reads, "glam with no man." Boo. Hoo. According to the article, both Kate and Halle are "in crisis." Kate has a roving eye; Halle and husband Olivier Martinzes "have been fighting nonstop." Kate was seeing talking to Leonardo DiCaprio (we all know what that means!) and also hanging with Derek Hough; Halle, who has been married three times, is shooting a TV series with Goran Visnjc, which is making Olivier jealous since "he knows Halle loves hot European guys." Trouble in paradise! Moving on: Lindsay Lohan has been "partying" in the apartment Oprah rented for her. What does partying mean? "She was doing sizable lines of cocaine in the open, in front of three friends," a source blabs. At least she's not drinking? Matthew McConaughey is a big shot now, so he might skip the Magic Mike sequel Channing Tatum is writing because beefcake is not his thing anymore. Sniffle. This short thing about how Kristen Stewart has turned "into a raging witch" because she's on a green juice diet is super fun; it claims she is "famished" and "extremely feisty" with a "snippy attitude" and while filming a movie, "yelled at the crew for eating normal food in front of her." Totally believable. Prince Harry is feeling pressure to propose to Cressida Bonas from the Queen because "he is one of the few Royals not to be married by his age." He is 29, which is 103 in Royal Years. Jennifer Garner made Ben Affleck stay home on Oscar night while she went out because "she is very strict" and "treats him like a child." Finally, the story titled "Selena's Back to Her Old Vices: BOOZE & BIEBER" includes the fact that Beebs sent her $10,000 worth of flowers after he saw how good she looked at the Vanity Fair Oscar party and ends: "Friends are now hoping they will be a more positive influence on each other." Hoping against hope?
Grade: D- (worst-dressed list)
Life & Style
Bachelor Juan Pablo and Bachelor "winner" Nikki's relationship is not working out for a variety of reasons, one of which is that they met on a reality show in which Juan Pablo was very occupied with alternately fondling and forgetting personal details about several other women. Also, Nikki made best friends with Andi during the show, and now she's very worried that Andi and JP had sex in the "Fantasy Suite." Also, Juan Pablo is a dick. In other news, Kim Kardashian is "the rich version of living paycheck to paycheck," WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS. She has $40 million dollars and is paid fortunes for completing the most basic of tasks (Fig. 2), but also really likes shopping a lot. Next: Christina Aguilera is taking a brave stand against being pregnant, alleges Life & Style: although she "has no choice but to put on weight" because there is a little human growing inside of her, she will stop at nothing to keep her hot body. Sigh. Barf. Lone tear. This world is horrible to women. Moving on, Paula Patton has found that looking good is the best revenge, disproving millennia-old logic that would have us think that sowing chaos and misery and then fleeing the earth in a chariot pulled by dragons is the best revenge. Anyway, she looks better than ever and wants nothing to do with Robin Thicke. Good for her!
Grade: C (to-do list)
THE NEXT PRINCESS!
This story about Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas is absolutely delightful. So many wacky details. Harry calls her "Cressy," and a source says it is serious, they text cute emoji-filled messages to each other, and they should be engaged by the end of the year. Cressida grew up in a "rich but uncoventional London family" and her mother, Lady Mary-Gaye Curzon, "was a '60s It Girl who is divorced from all four of her husbands." Cressida's nickname is "Smally," because she's the youngest, and she studied dance, likes drinking rum, listens to Mumford & Sons, and spent six months serving pizza in a Sydney, Australia bar called Mrs. Sippy. She and Harry (whom the copy calls a "lovable drunk") do stuff like go bowling (his name on the score screen is "Ginger Queen") and eat at burger joints near his one-bedroom apartment (that happens to be in Kensington Palace). Cressy works at a theater marketing company and "does a regular commute" with no chauffeur, just like a pleb! It's all well and good and adorable. Also inside: Scott Foley's wife doesn't like his love scenes with Kerry Washington on Scandal, because he touches them both the same way. Oops. Kate Hudson and Matthew Bellamy, who called off their engagement in February, are back on and working it out. Nikki Ferrell from The Bachelor is "totally into" Juan Pablo, but he's been texting his ex and is a flirt. Maria Menounos is getting her own reality show, so set your DVR. Finally: "Miley Does Dolly." Not what it sounds like (Fig. 3).
Grade: B (top ten list)
36 FAMOUS LOVERS EXPOSED!
InTouch has obtained a hand-written list of Lindsay Lohan's 36 famous lovers, presumably from someone who found it on the floor of her hotel room (Fig. 4). It is really something else. Half of the names are blurred out, for some reason, and the other half includes: Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine, Zac Efron, Joaquin Phoenix ("J. PHEONIX"), James Franco, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama and Colin Farrell. Notably, the list does not include Samantha Ronson, because Lindsay Lohan or whichever tabloid intern is involved is so heteronormative. Anyway, this is a great opportunity for the magazine to concern-troll LiLo for her "promiscuous past": "People who are needy, who feel empty, sometimes try to feed those psychological needs with sex as a means of feeling valued and worthwhile," explains a psychologist who has never treated Lindsay. Or, like, maybe having sex with famous and beautiful people is fun? Bye. Moving on: Teresa Giudice of RHONJ is planning on using her stint in prison to become more famous. "This is the drama they've been waiting for. The cameras were at their house to capture anything going on with the kids from an emotional standpoint," says a source. "This is her moment." When life gives you lemons, I guess? In other news, Selena Gomez — who did not go to rehab for drinking but rather for a severe case of Bieber fever — has been drinking. According to an exclusive witness, "She looked drunk" at the Vanity Fair Oscars party. Ugh, whatever, let the girl enjoy herself in peace. Let's not slur-shame a happy reveler, please. Finally, there's yet another spread of "SCARY SKINNY STARS," a feature that's almost gotten too boring and predictable to be offensive.
Grade: A+ story, F- delivery (fuck list)
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from Us