This Week In Tabloids: Kris Dumphries Is Gay & Annulling His Marriage
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we pick up the celebrity weeklies: Star, In Touch, Life & Style, Ok! and Us. While we were reading the tabloids today, word came through that Kris Humphries would like to have his marriage annulled, which would help him avoid any nasty divorce proceedings. But back to the mags! This week, we learned that Angelina Jolie is refusing to eat; J.Lo’s mom doesn’t like her new boytoy; Kourtney Kardashian is preggers; and Kris Dumphries is gay.
Ok!
“Holiday Weddings!”
This magazine wants you to believe that Kourtney Kardashian is getting married, but she gave an exclusive interview to Us about her fetus, and there are no exclusive quotes in here, so let’s skip it. Jennifer Aniston is “talking about” a beach wedding in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, at the end of December, during which she will be a barefoot bride in a sundress. Yawn. Heard that one before. Also inside: Demi Moore “should have known” that her relationship with Ashton Kutcher wouldn’t work out, since Guy and Madonna, David and Courtney and Ryan and Scarlett all broke up. Yes, seriously, the editors are trying to convince us that Ryan and Scarlett’s 3-year age difference makes their relationship a “May-December marriage.” (See Fig. 1) WTF. Lastly, the story about Ali and Roberto called “Why They Split” gives it all away in the pullquote: “They were not a good match.”
Grade: F (72-day-versary — annulment)
Life & Style
“Desperate To Be Skinny”
Angelina “refuses” to eat, and is is “run down,” “nervous” and “worried.” Her directorial debut premieres in December and she’s super stressed. Apparently her diet consists of “green tea, almonds, red wine, handfuls of cereal and gummy bears.” She has “pin-thin arms,” a “tiny waist,” and “veiny wrists.” Blah blah blah. Oh! And of course this impacts her relationship with her man: “Brad’s a country boy who’s into steak and potatoes,” a source claims. “He tells her to bulk up on some carbs. She just tells him to get over it.” Also too thin: Bethenny Frankel, who is “obsessive about portion size,” “scary skinny,” “tiny and frail,” “sickly” with a “protruding spine” as well as “emaciated and ill.” Kudos to the editors — nice use of the thesaurus. But wait! There’s more! Another spread of “extreme skinnies,” including Mischa Barton, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, your old body-conscious pal LeAnn Rimes, Demi Moore and Karina Smirnoff. Amazing that the magazine that has repeatedly celebrated super thin “bikini bodies” is now chastizing ladies for being too skinny. Moving on! Ali and Roberto broke up because he’s a normal guy who wants to get married and have kids, and she wants to be a star. Kim Kardashian will be “alone for the holidays,” and by “alone” they mean surrounded by her large immediate family, Kris Jenner’s mom, Khloe’s husband Lamar, etc. How will she get through it? Adam Levine cheated on Victoria’s Secret model Anne V. with a Baltimore bartender named Mietra Shobair. He was wasted; they hooked up, she posted about their messy night on Facebook. The pix have since been removed, but there’s one printed here, in which Adam and the bartender are sticking their tongues out at each other, proving that they did enter the same personal space — but not proving that they swapped DNA. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart went to Kauai for Thanksgiving, where they kissed and cuddled and rubbed each other. Get it girl. Finally: Harper Beckham is the best-dressed baby in Hollywood. None of her frocks cost less than $100, and she has perfected the “bitch, please” face she will need when someday she is forced to look upon a synthetic fabric.
Grade: D (one year anniversary — paper)
Star
“Kris Is Gay!”
Kim’s “inner circle” — which we guess is code for “vaginal canal” — is claiming that her relationship with Kris Dumphries was doomed from the start because he is gay. “Kim confided to Khloe pretty early on that they hadn’t had sex for weeks after they returned home from their Italian honeymoon,” an “insider” (read: ovary) reveals. Apparently Kim decided to spice up her love life by lighting candles, putting on booty-rocking music and coming to the hotel room wearing only a trench coat. Kris’s reaction? “Later, babe. I’m watching SportsCenter now.” And that show is full of dudes! A sidebar on this story attempts to prove that Kris is a homosexuelle by using words like “Fashionista! Metrosexual! One of the boys!” (See Fig. 2). But as everyone knows, fashion doesn’t make you gay. Being a dude who is primarily attracted to dudes makes you gay. Also inside: KStew and Nikki Reed hate each other, mostly because Nikki had a fling with Robert Pattinson a ways back. Nene Leakes wants her own show, which could be a good idea? Rihanna is lonely and boozy and breaking down and feeling controlled by her label, so she’s been calling BFF Katy Perry in tears. Katy has told her to get therapy. Jennifer Lopez’s mom Guadalupe is “disgusted” and “devastated” that Jenny From The Block is dating a backup dancer. J’Anthrax news: Justin Theroux is planning on proposing to Jennifer Aniston, and a picture of the ring is part of the story, even though the text claims he is “currently ring shopping.” (See Fig. 3) Last, but not least: Here’s a sentence for ya: “Time marches on, even for a megastar like Sandra Bullock.” All that cash and she can’t control the temporal dimension? Jeez.
Grade: C- (second anniversary — cotton)
In Touch
“Secret Wedding In England”
Since Breaking Dawn is not a documentary, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson “have decided to tie the knot for real.” The wedding will be low-key and take place on the Isle Of Wight. We know that they will get hitched since they are living together in a swanky Notting Hill apartment right now, and also, “They’re sending out joint holiday cards this year to close friends and family,” says an “insider.” “It’s their way of saying the wedding invitation is next.” Which means I am getting married to my dog. Moving on: Kate Middleton dared to shop for actual food at the grocery store, so the caption on the photo of her is “Kate’s eating — and shopping — for two!” The other person is probably her husband, though, right? Since I have a deep and undying love for Victor/Victoria, this page about Justin Bieber’s feminine side is exciting. He should totally cover “Constant Craving.” (see Fig. 4) Since 42-year-old Jennifer Lopez is playing hide the chorizo with a 24-year-old, the headline here is “J.Lo’s Midlife Crisis.” Do all midlife crises have tattoos and abs? Because I’ll take two. J’Anthrax update: “Jen’s Driving Justin Crazy!” They’re fighting a lot, mostly because she complains that she is fat, and he can’t believe how vain she is. Also, she is “desperate to conceive,” so they’re only having sex on her most fertile days. “Justin has been saying their love life is more like a science experiment and he’s really fed up with it,” says a source, who also calls Jen “neurotic.” Actually, she is called desperate, neurotic, and high-maintenance in this piece. The trifecta of lady insults! Meanwhile, Eva Mendes is “the luckiest girl in the world” since she gets to swap spit with Ryan Gosling in a cemetery in France. Le sigh. Scott “American Psycho” Disick has a “plot to destroy Kim,” which involves staying friends with Kris Dumphries post-divorce. In body concern trolling, we learn that Nicky Hilton is “scary skinny” and Britney has broken up with her trainer, although an insider says, “It was amicable.” Ha! Last, but certainly not least: The Kardashians loooooove plastic surgery. “It’s a family affair.” It appears work has been done on Koutrney’s nose and breasts, as well as Kim’s nose and ass. (See Fig. 5) Kreating the konsummate kountenance rekwires kosmetic konsultations!
Grade: C (five-year-anniversary — wood)
Us
“Yes, I’m Pregnant”
Well looky here, an actual interview with a “celebrity.” So what if it’s the less-famous sister. Kourtney wants you to know that she is nine weeks along. She also wants you to know all about her pregnancy test: “I took one and it didn’t work. It was broken! They always say your first morning pee is the good stuff, and so I took it and of course it didn’t work. I was, like, ugh! So I took another one and stuck it in the toilet! I was like, I don’t even know if that works!” Folks, do not forget, this woman and her family earned $65 million last year. Kourtney also answers when the reporter asks “how did this happen?” since she and Scott sleep in separate beds. KK replies: “Just because we sleep in different rooms doesn’t mean we don’t do it.” Let’s move on. If you ever wondered what’s in Mindy Kaling’s bag, wonder no more: Prenatal vitamins and pink Sharpies. (See Fig. 6) Finally: You will find this simply shocking, but Prince Harry went to Las Vegas and loved it. He traveled there via rented Harley Davidson, then stayed at an $8,000 a night duplex at the Wynn, had a three-hour dinner at a steakhouse and partied at club Tryst. The prince parties! Just like a character from a Selena Gomez flick.
Grade: B (15-year-anniversary — crystal)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Star
Fig. 3, from Star
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from In Touch
Fig. 6, from Us
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