This Week In Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Had Phone Sex With A Dude Who's Not Her Fiancé

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we schedule sexytime with gossip mags Ok!, Us, Star, In Touch and Life & Style. This week: Justin Theroux is moving in with Jennifer Aniston; Sean Penn dumped ScarJo for being pushy and annoying; Snooki’s boyfriend is groping gals at Karma while she’s destroying Italy; and Kim Kardashian had “graphic phone sex” and (boring text messages) with some dude who plays for the Patriots.

Ok!
“Stabbed In The Heart!”
Imagine our surprise when we realized that Ashley from The Bachelorette had not been fatally stabbed in the heart with a steak knife. Instead, this story is about how Bentley is an asshole, something we documented yesterday in a video called “Every Asshole-ish Thing The Bachelorette‘s Bentley Has Said About Ashley.” Here’s one gem: “I would literally rather be swimming in pee than trying to plan my wedding with her.” And another: “I’m gonna make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks okay.” This story goes on for four pages yet we do not give a shit, so let’s move on. Kristen Stewart should be jealous of Robert Pattinson’s relationship with his Cosmopolis costar Sarah Gadon, because this magazine says so. KStew is moody, but Sarah is smiley, so Rob might like Sarah better! Kim Kardashian is slimming down for her wedding — like every single bride in the history of weddings — by doing Barry’s Boot Camp, eating “no more desserts, period” and having someone cook for her. Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson is also “getting healthy” for her wedding. She’s opting for a higher protein diet, instead of calorie counting and food journaling. She also buys organic mac and cheese instead of the reg — so healthy! — because she saw some show about chemicals in food and it “freaked her out.” Lastly: The Mob Wives had makeunders, and they look “softer” now. Ruffles. Sorbet colors. (See Fig. 1).
Grade: F (sexy telegram)

Us
“How I Battled Back.”
Imagine our surprise when we realized that Christina Aguilera had not been in a war, nor is she a cancer survivor. She “battled back” from a divorce. And from bad press! Basically, she had a hard year: Splitting up with her husband, messing up the national anthem, tripping on stage at the Grammys and getting wasted, but now she is on The Voice and her new boyfriend has moved in and everything’s cool. Good for her. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux (who is Louis Theroux’s cousin, btw) have gone public with their relationship because Jen didn’t want to be her usual uptight self. She’s letting loose! Getting crazy! Here is a quote from heiress and reality star Paris Hilton: “Everything bad that could happen to a person has happened to me.” Ahem. Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn have split because he didn’t want anything serious, and she “pushed herself into his conversations” at the Spike TV Guys’ Choice Awards and even sat between Penn and Robert De Niro which is a HUGE no-no. Kim Kardashian’s pre-nup was drawn up by her mom, of course, and Kris Humphries gets nothing in a divorce. Matthew Morrison has been dating model/singer Renée Puente for three months… But he’s also seeing several other women. Naturally. Jim Carrey was moody and rude to the crew on the set of Mr. Popper’s Penguins, and visitors were told not to make eye contact with him, ouch. Jeremy “The Heart Locker” Renner was spotted flirting with Eva Mendes at the Spike TV Guys’ Choice Awards, so we are jealous. Blake and Leo (Bleo? Lake? DiCaprilively?) have taken their love stateside. They went to Disneyland, which is a serious downgrade from Monaco, and were seen barefoot on the “Soarin’ Over California” ride. We didn’t know what the hell that was, so we looked it up, and it’s apparently a “ride” where you are shown video of being outside, even though you are actually inside. You feel like you are “soaring” over the state of California. Hence the name. The problem with the experience is that strange feet may hang in your view. If they’re bare, it’s Bleo! Finally, in a spread called “Life Without Anna Nicole,” four-year-old Dannileynn looks super cute. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (sexy fax)

Life & Style
“Why She Takes Him Back.”
Ooh, look. More Bachelorette stuff. Apparently even after Bentley was mean to Ashley and left the show, she was so so in love with him that she begged the producers to fly him to Hong Kong to meet up with her. We would rather swim in pee than think about this anymore, so let’s move on. Unrelated to anything, five out of five Midweek Madness Magazines featured the same terrifying Toddlers & Tiaras ad. SO SCARY! (See Fig. 3). Sean Penn refused to take Scarlett Johansson to the Tree Of Life premiere, burn. But she is mending her broken heart by diving into work. Kudos. Coco would like for you to know her butt is “100% natural.” Handsome hunk Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel are having a “secret” new romance. They were filming a movie together in Shreveport, Louisiana in March, and now they are “downright inseparable.” They took their romance public when he took her on a motorcycle ride in Malibu. We’re supposed to be all you go girl or something since she’s rebounding with a hottie after her Timberlake Trousersnake breakup. Here is actual copy from the article: “Taming an infamous player who’s wined and dined the likes of Jen Aniston and Cameron Diaz might be intimidating to some — but not Jessica. Once you’ve climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, everything else is a piece of cake!” Meanwhile: Timberlake hooked up with Mila Kunis. He wants more, but she’s doing her own thing. He’d do anything to make it work, supposedly. There’s a story here about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt finally getting married, yet there are no sources quoted and zero information about why we should believe that it’s true. Still, “Plans are underway for a ceremony” where they will exchange necklaces and/or charms instead of rings. Reese “finally got Ryan’s blessing” — at first he didn’t like her new hubs Jim Toth, but now he knows they all need to get along. Katy Perry and Russell Brand went on a romantic vacay in Mexico, and they really needed it, because they’ve been having a rocky time and whatnot. Kate Hudson bought a $5.3 million Pacific Palisades home, and it looks nice. Lastly: Kim Kardashian is slimming down for her wedding by cutting back on carbs and getting up at 4 or 5 am to work out.
Grade: D (sexy text)

Star
“Eating Disorder Confessions.”
Sigh. This right here is a big ol’ mess. Of the eight women on the cover, only ONE is “confessing” that she has an eating disorder. That would be Gretchen Rossi, who tells the magazine she had bulimia, and now she doesn’t. So really, the editors just wanted to print images in which women look very thin. The Ashlee Simpson photo is from a weird angle, and is super old. She says there were six months where she wasn’t eating properly, but it was when SHE WAS 11 AND TAKING BALLET. Candice Swanepoel only looks “scary skinny” because she is leaning forward; in other images from the same event her hips are not as narrow-looking. And! She says: “I am healthy and happy.” The ribs of Real Housewife Taylor Armstrong may be showing, and she talks about dieting in the past, but does not “confess” to an “eating disorder.” Six and a half pages of supposed boniness, but no real news. And while some would rather critique women for being too thin than point and laugh at cellulite, either way it’s fucked up, and these Judgy McJudgerpants editors need to stop. GAH. Let’s move on. So. You know how Blake Lively’s rep says that it is definitely not Blake Lively in the naked pictures of the woman who looks like Blake Lively? Well. If you “follow the freckles,” you will see that they are the SAME. And the woman in the nude photos has the same tattoos that Blake had while filming The Town. Excellent detective work! (See Fig. 4) Next: Snooki is in Italy, but her boyfriend, Jionni, has been spotted “romping with a bevy of babes” at Karma in Seaside Heights. Jerk. Someone “found” a digital camera memory stick in a moving truck, and it contains seminude video of LeAnn Rimes shot by ex-husband Dean Sheremet, in which she bends over wearing a thong, “and other private poses.” LeAnn is threatening to sue. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are moving in together, since she has a shiny new apartment in New York.
Grade: C- (sexy voicemail)

In Touch
“Stop The Wedding! Kim Caught Cheating!”
Kim Kardashian’s lawyer has already written a letter demanding that this “factually untrue” story not be printed. But here it is! While Kim and Brett Lockett — who plays for the Patriots — have never actually met, she ALLEGEDLY asked her friend to be introduced to him. And then Kim and Brett started exchanging sexy texts — and having phone sex — while she was dating Kris Humphries. A sample, according to a “friend” who “saw” the texts and is probably Bret Lockett:

Kim: Mr
Bret: Yes Miss
Kim: How are you doll?
Bret: I’m good and you?
Kim: Why don’t you put in an effort and try and make me your girlfriend doll?
Bret: But don’t ask for something your[sic] not ready for
Kim: I’m sure I’m ready
Bret: What’s your schedule looking like the next few weeks? I want to see you
Kim: I’m free Mon after 11, then I’m kinda busy after. You should send me a SEXY picture
Bret: What are you doing the 19th to the 22nd?

This is obviously the SEXIEST thing you have ever read, so we will take a break for a minute and let you recover. TOO MUCH SEXY.

Bret: What does Miss Kimmy want?
Kim: The picture
Bret: LOL. Your used to getting what you want, huh?
Kim: Yes so. I want it.

And um, that’s about it. Since Kim and Kris have only been dating for like six months, she probably did this in the beginning of the relationship and not, say, after they were engaged or whatever. So STOP THE WEDDING. Brett and Kim did also supposedly had “graphic phone sex,” as opposed to the vague kind. Bret says: “I knew this was a game to her, but this is what she does.” Moving along! Justin Bieber’s family is worried that he’s moving too fast. He’s in this grown-up relationship with Selena Gomez, he has earrings now, he’s losing his Canadian accent, and he got a new tattoo. But the tattoo says JESUS in Hebrew, so how that is scandalous is a mystery to us. Eddie Cibrian is “burning through” LeAnn’s millions. “It’s not just LeAnn’s body that has been shrinking since she married Eddie…” He bought a $230,000 Aston Martin with her money, although friends say it was her wedding gift to him. He also picked up a Rolex and JetSkis. William and Kate are coming to Hollywood! They’ll stay at the Beverly Hills Hotel, in two bungalows, and will visit Elton John and Victoria Beckham. Posh is so excited that the Duke and Duchess are arriving that she’s planned her Cesarian around their visit. Also, Kate is packing 40 outfits — four per day. Ashlee Simpson is “all alone” after hooking up with some guy in a band on Pete Wentz’s label. That guy dumped her, so she went back to Pete, but now Pete has dropped the band from the label and dumped Ashlee. Sniffle. Britney Spears is heartbroken that Kevin Federline and his ladyfriend are expecting a female child, because she’s been yearning for her “greatest wish of all: a baby girl.” Bentley from The Bachelorette is so cruel because “his ex made him bitter.” Definitely, when a guy acts like an asshole, it’s a lady’s fault! Always. George Clooney and Elizabetta Canalis are “on the rocks” and taking a break as they figure out what their next step should be. The Cloons “typically” splits with women just at the time that other men get serious — after a couple of years. Jessica Simpson’s dad doesn’t want her to marry Eric Johnson. He was originally a fan, but now Papa Joe doesn’t like EJ because he’s unemployed and makes Jessica pay for everything. Rihanna has a new man, BET DJ Prostyle; they were seen grinding somewhere in the East Village. Courteney Cox and David Arquette are back on, because CC’s therapist told her to loosen up and embrace the sillier side of her ex. She was then seen wearing a clown nose. Lastly: Coco was “bullied” for her butt when she was younger. They called her bubble butt. She tried diet pills and bulimia but there was nothing she could do to change her butt. And then she met Ice T and she didn’t want to change her butt anymore. True love.
Grade: C+ (sexy phone call)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Star