Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we get a call from our good friend Kate Middleton who asks, “Do you have time to listen to me vent for a few minutes?”

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You respond, “For you? Anything.”

Then Kate begins, “OK, so this Kim Kardashian woman is ruining my life,” and you sit and listen to her complain for two hours and never once blink.

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This week: Selena Gomez isn’t doing so great, Gwen and Blake are gettin’ hitched, Kate hates Kim, and Scott got a teen pregnant. Let’s begin!


OK!

SCOTT’S TEEN GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT!

OK, so. Scott Disick knocked up an 18-year-old woman named Lindsay Vrckovnik. Or, more accurately (if accuracy is even possible here), Scott Disick “fears” he knocked up an 18-year-old woman named Lindsay Vrckovnik. A source says “Lindsay was terrified to tell Scott that she feared she could be pregnant,” but that “he was totally fine with the prospect.” (“Totally fine with the prospect” is probably on Scott Disick’s business cards, BTW.) They apparently party all the time, and Scott “doesn’t always use protection.” Meanwhile, another source says “Kourtney can’t even look at Scott without feeling completely disgusted.” I’m sure she’s not alone there.

Anne Hathaway is pregnant! Isn’t that great? A source says she “wants to keep it quiet” until she “has an official pregnant belly,” but she’s definitely expecting. Yessir, she’s expecting as hell. There is something growing inside Anne Hathaway’s uterus, and when it pops out, it will be a human child that will eventually do things like call Anne Hathaway “mommy” and, years later, scream, “LES MIS SUCKS AND YOU KNOW IT!!!” before slamming a door in her face. Motherhood!

And Also:

  • Amal Clooney is so skinny, everyone. We should all be so worried. Worry about Amal! Right now! It’s time for us all to worry!
  • Jessica Simpson is going to get a breast reduction.
  • Hugh Jackman is going to quit Hollywood.
  • Bryan Randall might be cheating on Sandra Bullock with his 23-year-old ex.
  • Irina Shayk is jealous of Bradley Cooper’s relationship with Jennifer Lawrence, even though there’s, like, literally nothing she has to worry about less.

Grade: C- (Someone screams, “LES MIS SUCKS AND YOU KNOW IT!!!” at you.)


In Touch

CHEMOTHERAPY FAILS TO CURE SELENA: LIFE OR DEATH BATTLE

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Is Selena Gomez dying? In Touch would certainly like you to think so. They spoke with a rheumatologist who said, “In my experience...patients who undergo chemotherapy for treatment of lupus usually have organ-threatening disease. With organ-threatening lupus, you have subsets that are particularly harsh and can lead to death.” They talked to more experts who had more to say about strokes and blood clots and cancer and death, and ended with a quote from a friend who said, “She just needs to realize that she has a life-threatening disease and needs to calm down and stop all this—before it’s too late.”

But don’t run away just yet, because we’re not finished with bleak gossip! Nicole Kidman’s kids, Bella and Connor Cruise, have “turned their back” on her. And, surprise surprise, it’s all because of Scientology. A source says the two were “reeducated by the church into turning against Nicole so that Tom would be awarded custody,” and that she “still wishes she’d fought harder for them.” Another insider claims “all she can do is hope that someday Isabella and Connor will come around.”

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If either of those stories has made you sad, please read this sentence:

“Man-eater Kate Hudson is sneaking around with Derek Hough behind Nick Jonas’ back.”

And Also:

  • Charlize Theron went out on the town last week, and was “a hot mess and downright rude.” She apparently “demanded permission to smoke inside, even though it’s against the law.”
  • Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt are fighting over the lead role in the Mary Poppins remake.
  • Louis Tomlinson is having a baby girl.
  • When asked what she was looking for in a guy, Abigail Breslin told In Touch, “Someone who’s patient with me and can handle my daily meltdowns over random things.”
  • If you don’t wear seafoam, you’re gonna SEE ME GROAN.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: C (Kate Hudson cheats on you with Derek Hough.)


Life & Style

WEDDING FOR GWEN & BLAKE!

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Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani have been flirting on The Voice for some time, and are now ready to take their relationship to the very logical next step: marriage! NBC wants Blake to propose on the air, but sources say he has other plans. The couple was overheard “making plans about an upcoming tropical getaway,” and if you know anyone who’s ever gone on a tropical getaway, you know they never come back without rings on their fingers! It’s part of the process when passing through customs, actually. But I digress. Blake and Gwen are in love, they’re about to get married, and I’m still not going to watch The Voice.

Speaking of marriage, Bennifer 2.0’s is back on! Looks like the 2015 Summer of Splits wasn’t as devastating as originally thought, because sources say Ben’s “efforts to show Jennifer he’s a changed man are paying off” and that the two have been “discussing having him move back in.” No word yet on what Christine Ouzounian has been up to (because—if you’ll remember—she doesn’t speak), but I like imagining her waking up every morning, checking her bank account for Bennifer 2.0’s most recent deposit, and smiling softly before doing whatever the hell she wants.

LOOK AT THIS:

And Also:

  • Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas are breaking up.
  • Prince Beatrice and Dave Clark are getting married.
  • Scott Disick and Kylie Jenner are secretly in love btw.
  • Life & Style need better sources, because apparently John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are adopting.
  • Wear a grommet or I’ll start calling you Wallace.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You realize how little we’ve seen of Christine Ouzounian lately.)


Star

KIM & KATE: NASTY FEUD EXPLODES

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Deep breaths, Bobby. In. Hold. Out. Hold. Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton (or Duchess Catherine, whatever) are feuding. Can you believe it? I can’t! Probably because it isn’t true, but that’s never stopped me from getting invested. Anyway, this all started because Kim is “obsessed with becoming friends with Kate [because] she thinks they’re on the same level.” But (of course there’s a but) “the palace finds that both offensive and ridiculous.” So, every time Kim tries to set up a public “playdate” between North and Prince George, the royal family declines. Once, she didn’t even receive a response and “threw a huge tantrum,” screaming, “North is cuter than George, anyway!”

A source says Kate is “put off by Kim’s relentless pursuit of her friendship” and “finds the whole thing really trashy and distasteful.”

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You know how trashy and distasteful she finds Kim and Kanye?

Do you really want to know?

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Because I’ll tell you.

Kate finds Kim and Kanye so trashy and distasteful that, when Kanye sent her and William “a custom baby gift from his fashion label” to give Charlotte—gah, deep breaths again—“the palace not only sent it back, they included a note politely asking that he and Kim stop contacting the royals.”

Kim apparently “can’t believe anyone would treat them like this” and is “completely humiliated.”

And Also:

  • Kate Middleton’s mother has a drinking problem.
  • John Stamos has a roofie problem.
  • Cameron Diaz has a baby problem.
  • Miley Cyrus has a drug problem.
  • Johnny Depp and Amber Rose have an each other problem.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: A (Kate Middleton invites you over.)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - In Touch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.