This Week In Tabloids: Kendall Is Having Scott's Baby, Isn't Sorry
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we open our giant woman-hearts and flex those empathy muscles on made-up stories about symmetrical millionaires we’ve never met. This week: George dumps Amal on her birthday, Scott Disick is sleeping with Khloé Kardashian and asked a waitress to suck on his toes, Scott Disick has also maybe-inseminated Kendall Jenner, and Katy Perry is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby.
Does anybody have Tums?
inTouch
GEORGE DUMPS AMAL ON HER BIRTHDAY!
You might be too self-involved to realize, but things are hard right now for George Clooney. First, you’ll remember that his new wife Amal was a train wreck at the Golden Globes, “sashaying around the Beverly Hilton in her black Givenchy gown and opera gloves like she was the star of the night,” and “giving judgmental looks to some pretty big names.” Then, they had dinner with five other people on V-day, “what kind of intimate Valentine’s Day is that?” Then, it turns out that Amal is “putting her career before having a baby,” which is a total deal-breaker for George/the patriarchy. Then, Amal didn’t want to hang out with George’s dumb friends for her pre-birthday celebration, telling him that “she was disappointed about the low-key party with his pals.” Also, she told him he’s getting fat. So then, George was all, well NVM THEN have an amazing birthday BY YOURSELF!!!! “She couldn’t believe he dumped her so matter-of-factly on her birthday,” sobs a source. Amal Clooney Is A Birthday Diva Just Like Us.
Tori Spelling, “the perennially put-upon wife of Dean McDermott,” smells betrayal because Dean had a two-hour long lunch with his ex-wife. “Did we mention that his ex is both beautiful and Tori’s archrival?” mentions inTouch. A former track coach of Bruce Jenner’s reminisces about a party Bruce and ex-wife Linda Thompson threw in the ’80s, in which he “struck up a conversation with a good-looking woman in a tight dress and high heels” and then realized “it was actually Bruce in women’s clothing.” Someone inTouch describes as “a male shot-putter” chimes in: “Believe it or not, he said he always just wanted to sit and be pretty.”
J.Lo and Casper Smart are back on, and despite the fact that their relationship ended “amid allegations that the choreographer, 27, was sexting transsexual model Sofie Vissa,” she wants to have his bb. But not without some paperwork: She’s worked out an “ironclad agreement to make sure the past doesn’t repeat itself,” which includes the rule that Casper “can’t go out at night without approval.” Free Casper. Other baby news: Adam Levine recently said that he and his wife who is my age, Behati Prinsloo, are looking to have a baby “next spring!” “Behati is still young and really wanted to wait…but she finally came around.” Ew. He wants a son, so he can “groom the kid to be a little rock ‘n’ roller, just like his daddy!” Ew.
Two and a half years after her divorce from Tom Cruise, Katie “Emily Dickinson” Holmes is “consumed by loneliness.” This is because she spends “nearly all her time with one person: her 8-year-old daughter.” WHAT a psycho. And get this: she stayed in on a Saturday night to paint a bedroom, like the biggest loser in the universe!!! “She knows she has a problem, but unfortunately, she only feels safe in her little world.” Everybody shake your head on three.
Grade: F (Sexual rejection by a high schooler on spring break in an 18-and-over nightclub in Atlantis)
Life & Style
KOURTNEY CATCHES SCOTT IN BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN