Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we walk into the magazine store and hear the man say, “Long time no see!” to you even though you were there two weeks ago.

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This week, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are doing it without protection, KUWTK has been kanceled, and Jennifer Garner keeps a to-do list.


OK!

Katy Perry and the penis she’s been dating for eight months are probably going to get married soon, after which they’ll complete the nursery rhyme and welcome “as many as five” roaring children into this world.

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A source told Star that the penis’s owner, Orlando Bloom, is the “first boyfriend to make her feel truly cherished and special,” which I absolutely believe.

Here’s how I imagine their loving conversations sound:

KATY: I love you.

ORLANDO: I love you.

KATY: No, I love you so much.

ORLANDO: I love you so much.

KATY: No, like, so much.

ORLANDO: Same! Same.

KATY: You don’t understand.

ORLANDO: You don’t.

KATY: But I do.

ORLANDO: So do I.

KATY: I’m so glad you’re here.

ORLANDO: Me too. This is perfect.

Oh, whoops!! Did I forget to include the stage directions in that conversation? Haha, silly me. Let me clarify. That was all being spoken while Orlando was inside her.

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OK!’s selections for “MOST HATED REALITY STARS OF ALL TIME” are interesting, partly because there are 22 of them (a strange number to stop on), and partly because Jon & Kate Gosselin are #1, just ahead of Josh Duggar (#2) and Mama June (#3). Sorry babes, but where’s The Dreaded Milania?

And Also:

  • Rebel Wilson has so many crushes.
  • Adele went to McDonald’s.
  • Kate Middleton sort of hates Pippa.
  • Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are trying to have a second baby. Are you thrilled by this?
  • Ben Higgins can’t stop spending money on his fiancee, and I’d like to know where he’s getting it!
  • OK! thinks Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are the “parents of the year.”

Star

Keeping Up With the Kardashians has been kancelled, and the stars’ “$500 million empire” has shattered into 500 million dollar-shaped pieces that I’m sure they’ll be able to pick up and put back into their bank accounts. The rumored cancellation (which couldn’t possibly be happening) can be traced back to the show feeling “more staged every year,” and Kris Jenner is “in full-blown panic mode.” Her kids are focused on their own lives/careers/families, and Kris is reportedly interpreting that as BETRAYAL—a word I don’t see as often as you’d think in the tabloids.

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Here’s the last screaming match between the Kardashian klan:

KRIS: (growls)

KIM: Mom, calm down.

KRIS: (growls)

KHLOE: That’s not fair!

KRIS: (growls)

KIM: We never said we’d do this forever!

KRIS: (growls)

KHLOE: Oh please, this was your idea from the very beginning.

KRIS: (growls)

KIM: Don’t bring dad into this! Dad had nothing to do with this!

KRIS: (growls)

KYLIE: Yeah, I’m here.

KRIS: (growls)

KYLIE: I SAID I’M HERE.

KRIS: (growls)

KYLIE: No, she’s at Cara’s house.

KRIS: (growls)

KYLIE: Can you blame her?

KRIS: (growls)

KOURTNEY: Don’t call her that, Mom!

KRIS: (growls)

CAITLYN: I don’t know why I even come by here anymore.

There’s a fun section in this week’s issue that showcases celebrities who look alike. Star called it “TWIN PEEKS,” which isn’t the best name they could have used, but oh well. Below are the most memorable entries:

And Also:

  • Drew Barrymore recently drank a Coors Banquet tall boy. Same.
  • Thomas Gibson has been to anger management courses “not once, which was reported, but twice.”
  • Mariah Carey gives champagne away when apologizing.
  • Katherine Heigl “acts like an invalid...on the set of her new show, Doubt.”
  • Emma Roberts is a bad influence for Abigail Breslin.
  • Miley pays all of Liam’s bills.

Life & Style

The cover of this week’s Life & Style screams about Jennifer Garner getting “revenge” on her estranged husband Ben Affleck, but the story isn’t quite as dramatic as that. Basically, Ben didn’t show up to the birthday party Jen and the kids threw for him (“the kids insisted on singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to their dad even though he wasn’t there”) and now she’s decided to file for divorce...again.

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A source gave the magazine this wonderful quote:

“She’s absolutely done with giving him any more chances. Jen is ready to prove to Ben that she can find a happy, healthy relationship with the right man. Finding the perfect guy will be her next step.”

Is it just me, or can any of you imagine a beautiful pink leather-bound planner that Jen uses for her calendar, address book, and note-taking? I can imagine a page labeled (in perfect handwriting) “Things.” Bullets are below it. They read:

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  • Find the perfect guy
  • Schedule lunch with Michael and Vic
  • Tito’s
  • The Night Of?
  • Ask mom for meatloaf recipe
  • Pray
  • Download “Heads Up”
  • GWYNETH
  • Marie Kondo?
  • Rewatch Elektra
  • Sound mixing v. sound editing
  • Buy a disguise OR find 30go30 coat
  • Schedule appointment for phoenix tattoo
  • Find peace
  • Google ‘Capital One’—what the heck is it?!

And Also:

  • Gwen Stefani’s hair “costs $3k a month,” and that’s less than I expected.
  • Caitlyn will be topless in Vogue in the near future.
  • Kevin Hart is happy.
  • Ariel Winter is happy.
  • Wear leather.
  • Dress like a sailor.
  • Buy more rompers.
  • Tell me who “Keltie Knight” is because I have lit’rally no idea.

Wrong Answers:


Appendix: