This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton Can't Get Knocked Up, She's Anorexic

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we “read” the celebrity tabloids so you don’t “have” to. Today, since Reese Witherspoon wore a shirt over her bikini on the beach, obviously she is pregnant; newly divorced ScarJo and RyRen had an intimate dinner during which she touched his face and he rubbed her back; and Kate Middleton is “starving to be sexy.”

Ok!
“Reese Looks Pregnant!”
Reese Witherspoon looks pregnant. Fourth of July weekend she wore a shirt over her bathing suit and we all know what that means. Plus, she’s “lightened up” on her exercise routine. The “one thing” she and new hubs Jim are missing from their wonderful family is a baby. Moving on: Renée Graziano from Mob Wives underwent a $30,000 full body lift and almost died. When she was coming out of the anesthesia, she moved, “unleashing a geyser of blood” and she had to have emergency surgery to repair the damage. She spoke to Ok! from her hospital bed, but says: “I’m not dying anytime soon. I’ve got about another five seasons for you!” Next: Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson both want to have the “wedding of the season,” so clearly they’re going to have to brawl in a ring to see who can win that title. Teen Mom‘s Maci and Kyle — the guy she cheated on her baby daddy with — have broken up, because Kyle read Maci’s diary, in which she wrote she was she’ll always love Ryan, the father of her child. Dude, just because she wrote it in her diary doesn’t mean it’s true. Meanwhile Teen Mom‘s Leah, who has twins, is dating a new stock car racer boyfriend, Dusty, and they spent the weekend together and partied at a club called Razzles — alongside her mom and her sister, who is dating Leah’s ex stock car racing boyfriend Tyler. Cozy. Did you know that Cher turned seven bedrooms into one giant Indian/Moroccan style room? That’s where she sleeps, you guys. Kate Moss was a “diva bride” because she asked Naomi Campbell to fax a sketch of the dress she planned to wear to her wedding so Kate would know if she’d be upstaged. Diva move? Or SMART move?
Grade: D- (the phone book)

In Touch
“Teen Moms’ Dating Disasters.”
Maci’s wedding is on hold. Gary is betraying Amber again — he’s flirting with and seeing a woman named Cory. Moving on: Here is Lady Gaga in what is described as an “onion costume.” Uh, where are you buying your onions??? (See Fig. 1) Khloe and Kim are at war, because Kim has been acting like a Bridezilla ever since she got engaged. Kim wants to make sure her wedding is a bigger deal than Khloe’s wedding, and Khloe is mad that Kim is rushing to the altar and making the family rearrange their schedules. Even though Khloe got married like nine days after she got engaged or something. Kate Middleton has “dropped to 95 lbs.” Dr. Fred Pescatore, the creator of The Hamptons Diet, thinks Kate looks terribly underweight. He thinks she should weigh 140 lbs., and suspects she weighs 105 lbs. at the most. The mag notes that her stressful schedule may be to blame. Meanwhile, Dr. Pescatore says: “If she wants to get pregnant, good luck with no body fat on her.” Jennifer Aniston is “scaring Justin away” because she is soooo into him and wants to get married. They had their first fight, and it was about how she wants to see him all the time. Scarlett Johansson hit up an NYC hotspot to toast her divorce. Kirstie Alley has been trying to “lure” young men to hook up with her by promising to make them stars. Questions: “Is Fergie pregnant? Is Fergie sporting a lovely lady lump?” Someone says she “definitely has a glow.” Jamie Lynn Spears is back with her baby’s father, Casey Aldridge. “Did They Or Didn’t They?” Is a 2-spread photo driven story asking whether certain celebs have had plastic surgery — mostly nose jobs. The answer is a resounding yes, they did. (See Fig. 2) In other news, Chelsea Clinton is ready for a baby. They had to spend some time apart, because he was stalling in giving her the man juice.
Grade: D- (arcane microbiology report)

Life & Style
“Starving To Be Sexy.”
When Kate Middleton arrived in California, “some people saw her and turned to each other and whispered, ‘she’s too skinny.'” A friend worries that “the weight is just falling off of her.” She used to look “healthy” in her University days, but now she only eats a little of her three course meals, possibly because she doesn’t feel comfortable eating with people staring at her. The mag mentions that this could be an issue when she wants to start a family and points out that she used to be a size four but now has to have those dresses taken in. And: “She’s the skinniest she’s ever been.” LET’S ALL POINT AND STARE. Certainly that will help. The other people starving to be sexy are Heidi Klum, our old friend LeAnn Rimes, Audrina, Tara Reid, Claudia Shiffer and Katie Holmes, who hasn’t eaten carbs for three months — and Tom Cruise hasn’t either. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has “given” Justin Theroux a Hollywood makeover. She told friends she was giving him a “manover.” Didn’t she say she liked bad boys? Now she likes her bad boys clean-shaven? Make up your mind, Jen. Christ. There’s a sidebar here called “She Changes All Her Men,” which shows guys as total slobs off the red carpet and then with Jen in suits on the red carpet attending fancy events. So dumb. Next: Maci from Teen Mom is not ready for marriage. She tells the mag: “I’m not ready for marriage.” Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds had a romantic dinner at Little Dom’s in Los Feliz on July 8. They arrived together and sat in a secluded booth. ScarJo stared into his eyes as he spoke. And “the way Ryan looked at her, you could tell he still has feelings for her.” Scarlett kept pinching his cheeks and touching his face. They had three rounds of beer and some appe-teasers. He rubbed her back. They drove off together in his silver Porsche SUV. An onlooker beamed, “Something’s up.” If you’ve been following the littlest Cruise’s trajectory from toddler to titan of industry, you’ll love this: She is a jetsetter. Suri has traveled 27,000 miles in two months. (See Fig. 3) Lady Gaga is afraid to look normal. A psychoanalyst who does not treat her says: “It’s possible that she’s created a persona because she’s afraid to reveal her authentic self.” She can’t help it, guys: She was born this way. “Blake Loses 14 Lbs. And Gets Her Man” is about how Blake Lively never had a regular exercise regimen before she started training for Green Lantern. Once she got buff she “suddenly bore a striking resemblance to Leo’s ex, Bar Refaeli. With her body-hugging gowns, Blake began to look as sexy as any supermodel.” As opposed to before, when she was just a hideous troll.
Grade: D (extreme political manifesto)

Us
“Getting Married!”
Three reputable sources claim Brad and Angelina plan to get married in September, at their Chateau in France. It will be “an intimate and informal affair.” But with helicopters circling above trying to get a picture of Angie in her wedding dress. Also inside: Emma Roberts and Chord Overstreet have gone public with their romance. Kristen Stewart has been sneaking onto the set of Robert Pattinson’s movie Cosmopolis at midnight, when it’s more mellow on set. Lindsay Price and Curtis Stone are shopping for a ring. Charlize Theron and Ryan Reynolds have been dating for months. They’re exclusive. His motorcycle has been seen parked in front of her house. Exes Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth ran into each other on the street and hugged. A paparazzo snapped pix. Orly said to the photog: “You have to delete those photos, they’ll get me in trouble with my wife!” Eva Mendes and Jason Sudeikis have split. Jennifer Love Hewitt was so excited to meet the royals: “I couldn’t sleep last night.” Poor JLove. She wants to be a princess sooo badly. Finally: Tim Robbins is releasing an album. Folk music. But you knew that.
Grade: D (weird religious pamphlet)

Star
“Kate 95 Lbs. & Having A Baby!”
Kate Middleton has “gone from fit and toned to gaunt and bony.” People are worried she is anorexic, and it’s a “horrifying” situation. Dr. Fred Pescatore, who obviously called all of the tabloids this week and offered his expert opinion as a physician, says: “Kate looks to weigh from 95 to 100 lbs. That makes her seriously underweight for her height.” Keep in mind he has never met her. So yeah. Anyway. Kate wanted to lose weight in the beginning of June, and was eating meals of watercress soup and bowls of blueberries.” Everyone is just concerned concerned concerned like big old concerntrolls, because Will and Kate want to have a lot of kids. Also inside: Chris Brown was playing pickup basketball when he got ticked off and started saying “that’s gay” and “you’re a faggot-ass.” Dude, please up your sessions with your shrink. Please. Drake and Rihanna are so totally on: He has told her that he loves her and that he wants her to move in with him, and she is ready. Eva Longoria and cute cutie Eduardo Cruz have been looking at vacation homes in Marbella. Take us with you! Maria Shriver COULD get $15 million IF she wrote a tell-all about her life with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but she probably won’t, so whatever. Justin Theroux has already “betrayed” Jen Aniston — he “ran” back to his ex, Heidi. Justin and Heidi met up on Father’s Day, and Justin spent most of their time together apologizing for acting like a cad. He’s still texting and talking to Heidi, and already “feels trapped” by Jen — he feels that Jen is suffocating him and he worries that he might have broken up with Heidi too soon. Presented without comment: A digital manipulation of what Casey Anthony MIGHT look like if she changes her hair and face to disguise herself. (See Fig. 4) finally, if you’re really into them, there’s a story called “10 Years Of Harry Potter Scandals.” You may have heard: Daniel Radcliffe used to drink.
Grade: D+ (crappy trend diet book)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Star