Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we read the headline “JOHN & KELLY: INSIDE THEIR BIZARRE MARRIAGE” and start laughing to ourselves in public. This week, Angelina Jolie is a freakin’ liar, John Travolta and Kelly Preston are freakin’ weirdos, and William and Kate are freakin’ King and Queen.


In Touch:

Stories about the breakdown of Brangelina have really run out of steam, which was immediately evident after looking at today’s covers. Of the three I was able to purchase today (the shop didn’t have Life & Style, either because it wasn’t delivered or someone weirder than I am bought all the copies), Brangie made the lead story just once, and the one they did land—In Touch’s—is so boring I almost feel like skipping it.

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This dumb story hinges on a source who told In Touch “people close to [Angie] have been busy trying to shape a narrative painting Brad as an unfit parent.” Will someone throw a mug (preferably one that says “NO COFFEE, NO TALKEE”) of scalding hot java at my face, because that retread of a story we’ve been hearing for weeks has put me in a deep sleep. There’s nothing else to say about this that we haven’t already written about in the past three weeks.

In other news, Ellen DeGeneres treats the “workers who care for her dogs” pretty ruff (In Touch’s joke, not mine), and sources claim “Portia de Rossi isn’t much friendlier.” Probably because she knows that regardless of how she treats them, tabloids are going to opt for the version that warrants the use of a “ruff” pun! Bella Thorne is moving in with Tyler Posey because “her ex, Gregg [Sulkin] threw her out of the home they shared.” How sad that—despite a new Freeform show, Playboy cover, and successful YA novels—Bella Thorne is sorta homeless. But let’s go from homeless to Harvard! Wait, I meant homeless to hairless. Prince Harry isn’t living up to his name and is, sadly, going bald. Sources say he’s particularly bummed about this because “he’s poked so much fun at William over the years” for his own thinning hair. The fix? A secret hair transplant. Harry, my man, we’ll know. Go Willis on William and just shave it off.


Star:

There’s no real peg for a cover story about John Travolta and Kelly Preston’s “bizarre world,” but who cares?! Scientology-adjacent stories are always fun to read, so I sorta respect Star for doing something unexpected this week.

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There’s nothing particularly new here (apart from a photo I’d never seen of Travolta in drag in 1997, which you can see below) but it’s worth running down this list of wacky rumors just to remind you all of how strange their lives are.

  • John “loves to have sex wearing his pilot outfit with Kelly dressed as a stewardess.”
  • Kelly “takes every opportunity to boast about how great [their sex life] is.”
  • Kelly reportedly explained a photo of John kissing their male nanny on the mouth by saying it was proof that “he simply cares about people.”
  • John’s toupees have grown more and more convincing over the years!
  • John used to date 40-year-old Diana Hyland when he was 22!
  • Kelly Preston used to date Charlie Sheen but dumped him when HE ACCIDENTALLY SHOT HER IN THE ARM.

But let’s move on. Here’s a fun one! Jessica Simpson pissed off an entire plane filled with people because she “barricaded herself in the lavatory for an hour.” An insider said “passengers actually booed her when she came out.” What an image!

Speaking of images, there’s a story in here about a softcore porn movie Bethenny Frankel starred in in 1994 that contains plenty of censored images of the RHONY star topless. As someone who doesn’t follow the franchise, I showed the spread to my coworker and asked, “Is this actually a new story, or something we’ve known for a while?”

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She responded, “I’ve personally never heard this story before, but it doesn’t...surprise me?”

What took them so long?


OK!

I haven’t even typed the names of these two lumps of Elmer’s glue and I’m already groaning. OK! has “confirmed” with the “palace” that William and Kate will soon be crowned King and Queen. Proof that this story is absolute bullshit can be found without flipping a single page of this magazine. The cover claims Lizzie no. 2 is reportedly “stepping down after 64 years.” Beg your pardon? Queen Elizabeth will not be stepping down from anything, fam. That woman will need to be dead, dead, dead before she gives this reign up. You will have to rip that crown off her cold dead skull no earlier than 24 hours FOLLOWING her embalming. Sorry, OK! I buy none of this.

In other news, Tom Cruise is obsessed with cryotherapy because he fears old age, Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with botox and it’s ruining her marriage to Justin Theroux, Gisele is obsessed with modeling and it’s ruining her marriage to Tom Brady, Jenny Slate is obsessed with Chris Evans and its ruining his previously chill lifestyle.


Wrong Answer:


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