Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we have a hard time deciding between a headline about the Duggars and a headline about Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, but ultimately decide to give it to the Duggars because Katie and Jamie are boring as hell—secret wedding or not.

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This week, the Duggars are divorcing, Katie and Jamie had a secret wedding months ago, Blake and Gwen are boring as ever, and Blac and Rob are still in love.


The Duggars

I rarely write about the Duggars in Midweek Madness because I find them repulsive (and sort of dangerous) in a way that isn’t even remotely entertaining, but chose to lead with them this week because the gossip isn’t as unpleasant as normal—but rather the kind of typical breakup gossip written about any and all famous couples. According to In Touch, Jim Bob and Michelle, the cult’s two leaders, have decided to call it quits after birthing 70,000 children together.

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The primary source of their relationship troubles shouldn’t surprise anyone: it’s Josh, the son of theirs who is currently in rehab for like, what is he in there for again? Some kind of addiction that isn’t drug-related, right? Sex addiction? Porn addiction? Whatever he’s there for (or not there for, depending on who you believe), “the handling of Josh’s return” has made Michelle “speak up.” Jim Bob wants to welcome their son back “with open arms,” but she’s a little more hesitant—due to the fact that “some family members don’t want Josh around their children.” Though they’ve fought before, sources say Michelle “isn’t giving in so easily this time,” and that she could be ready to say goodbye to Jim Bob and his hard-working testicles.


Blake and Gwen

America’s most boring and unavoidable couple, Gwake, is officially engaged again, and Gwen is the one who did the proposing this time. Life & Style reports the 46-year-old former pop queen “popped the question during an intimate dinner.” The couple was enjoying barbecue (which L&S notes is “Blake’s favorite” as though we couldn’t have guessed) and Blake presumably said, “Yes,” in between some truly dank burps.

“Gwen wanted to make the proposal as romantic as possible,” one source said, which must mean they pulled out the nice koozies and served the beans and potato salad in heart-shaped bowls. I hope they slept in separate beds that night.


Blac and Rob and the Other Kardashians

I grabbed Us Weekly this week (as opposed to OK!) because I wrongfully assume the cover story about Blac Chyna and Rob would be filled with juicy details about how they won Kris and the other Kardashian-Jenners over with their love. Unfortunately, the story was boring as hell—a saccharine tale of how Blac made has Rob “healthier, more social, and happy.”

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One source told Us, “Kris is so grateful to Blac Chyna for rehabilitating her son.” Another said their relationship “turned into a love thing quickly.”

“That’s an understatement,” writes Us, who ships the couple so hard you’d think they’d be interested in, oh I don’t know, getting exclusive coverage of their wedding photos once that whole thing eventually happens? Not like there’s a precedent for that or anything.


Ben and Jen

Let’s get “nasty,” shall we? In Touch reports that Bennifer 2.0's breakup, which is still ongoing for reasons I can’t figure out, has been filled with “fights, dueling interviews, and broken promises.” All those images of them co-parenting like two friends are apparently nothing but documentation of their wonderful acting skills, because deep down, these two hate each other.

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Said a source, on Ben’s response to Garner’s VF profile:

“Ben had promised Jen he wouldn’t respond to anything, so the fact that he’s gone back on his word has really hit her hard—especially when he’s broken so many promises to her in the past.”

Said Garner, on Ben:

[[Heavy breathing]]


Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx

Oh darn, back to boring couples. Despite the fact that it was given the cover of this week’s Star, Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes’s “secret wedding” is, oddly, one of the most boring stories in the tabloids this week. It reads like a years-old story about two other celebrities that has had all the names switched out.

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“According to insiders, Katie and Jamie got hitched earlier this year in a supersecret ceremony held at the Ray actor’s Hidden Valley, California mansion. And the newlyweds are celebrating more than just their marriage these days: rumor has it Katie is pregnant, too!”

Switch Katie, Jamie, and Ray with Jennifer, Justin, and The Leftovers, and this is a story from 2014.

Anyway, Suri “loves Jamie like a dad,” which I’ll admit is sort of cute.

Today In Sharon Stone Misunderstanding Interview Questions:

One of the Dumbest Things I’ve Ever Seen:

I Don’t Think I Believe This:

  • Sofia Vergara is the “boss from hell,” but I sort of still think working for her would be fun.
  • Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have called it quits because “she won’t change her wild ways.”
  • Casper Smart dumped Jennifer Lopez.
  • Cameron Diaz is pregnant.
  • George Clooney is cheating on Amal with a mystery blonde.

I Think I Believe This:

  • Khloe hates Kocktails With Khloe.
  • Jennifer Lawrence is dating Darren Aronofsky.
  • Bachelor Ben and Lauren B. will have a baby ASAP.
  • Mariah Carey’s reality show is sort of a disaster.
  • Kim and Kanye gave North a “$100,000, four-bedroom playhouse.”
  • Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson’s relationship is on its last leg.
  • Ryan Sweeting is begging Kaley Cuoco to take him back.
  • Amanda Seyfried cheated on Justin Long with Thomas Sadoski.

Appendix:

Fig 1. In Touch