Welcome back to Midweek Madness. This week Dodai is on vacation, so I had to make the perilous journey there (t0 the newsstand, where I procured Star, Life & Style, OK!, inTouch, and US Weekly) and back again (to that all-to-familiar realm of pop culture where we scrutinize what Jessica Simpson is eating) all on my own. This week: Anne Hathaway wants you to like her so badly that she’ll drink milk even though she’s lactose intolerant, the Bachelorette and her fiancee are living a life of drudgery and probably eating at Chili’s, and Liam Hemsworth hates Miley Cyrus’s grills. (Join the club, Liam.)
Star
“JESSICA’S DIET DISASTER!”
Remember back to the halcyon days of two weeks ago, when Life & Style triumphantly debuted a photograph of Jessica Simpson’s “post-pregnancy body,” only the photo was from 2006? Star is taking a different tack: they’re lamenting Jessica Simpson’s diet disaster, claiming that the singer physically cannot stop eating cupcakes and BBQ ribs. The mag goes on to note Simpson’s bizarre paranoia about leaving the house, directly above a sidebar of photographs of her “hiding her stomach when she DOES go out in public.” (Fig.1) I wonder from whence the paranoia arose? Moving on: Anne Hathaway is allegedly so desperate for America’s love that she wanted to be a face of the Got Milk? campaign — despite being lactose intolerant. The campaign was canceled, presumably because Anne Hathaway is off-brand (the brand is “milk” but also “honest about one’s allergies and beloved by Americans”). In other news, Simon Cowell has assembled a veritable harem in St. Tropez and demands that his “baby-mama-to-be,” Lauren Silverman, submit to a DNA test. The most gracious thing to do after impregnating your best friend’s wife, according to the esteemed Mr. Cowell, is to deny paternity from your yacht. Also within the pages of Star: the editors have dredged up some EXCLUSIVE sordid details about Kris Jenner’s dad, which are most likely exclusive because literally no one else in the universe bothered to inquire about them. Yawn.
GRADE: F (being chased by a hooded wraith on a dragon)
Life & Style
“I DESERVE BETTER! $75 MILLION DIVORCE!”
Khloe and Lamar are not having a $75 million divorce; however, a friend (the diminutive elf living in her center part? Kylie Jenner’s tumblr?) has revealed that Khloe is thinking about it. Two mistresses have come forward proclaiming that they had affairs with Lamar, which has sent the Kardashian Klan into an intervention-staging frenzy. Okay. Next. Life & Style has some burning post-Oprah special questions for LiLo, including “Why didn’t she seem to be wearing a bra?” (Fig 2.) Thank you for asking the brave questions, L&S. Elsewhere in the rumor mill, the editors construct an entire article about Jennifer Lawrence’s “breakdown” based on two quotes from the September issue of Vogue. As evidence of “trouble” they include a picture of the actress smoking a joint and drinking red wine in Hawaii, which is the exact opposite of what a breakdown looks like. Next: John Mayer is planning on proposing to Katy Perry around the holidays, says a friend. “Nothing is ruled out,” in terms of what the proposal will look like, the magazine notes. Here’s hoping he hides the engagement ring in the feathered band of that stupid hat he wears all the time.
GRADE: C- (wrestling a hobbit)
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