This Week in Tabloids: Jessica Simpson Binges on Cupcakes, Ribs

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. This week Dodai is on vacation, so I had to make the perilous journey there (t0 the newsstand, where I procured Star, Life & Style, OK!, inTouch, and US Weekly) and back again (to that all-to-familiar realm of pop culture where we scrutinize what Jessica Simpson is eating) all on my own. This week: Anne Hathaway wants you to like her so badly that she’ll drink milk even though she’s lactose intolerant, the Bachelorette and her fiancee are living a life of drudgery and probably eating at Chili’s, and Liam Hemsworth hates Miley Cyrus’s grills. (Join the club, Liam.)

“JESSICA’S DIET DISASTER!”

Remember back to the halcyon days of two weeks ago, when Life & Style triumphantly debuted a photograph of Jessica Simpson’s “post-pregnancy body,” only the photo was from 2006? Star is taking a different tack: they’re lamenting Jessica Simpson’s diet disaster, claiming that the singer physically cannot stop eating cupcakes and BBQ ribs. The mag goes on to note Simpson’s bizarre paranoia about leaving the house, directly above a sidebar of photographs of her “hiding her stomach when she DOES go out in public.” (Fig.1) I wonder from whence the paranoia arose? Moving on: Anne Hathaway is allegedly so desperate for America’s love that she wanted to be a face of the Got Milk? campaign — despite being lactose intolerant. The campaign was canceled, presumably because Anne Hathaway is off-brand (the brand is “milk” but also “honest about one’s allergies and beloved by Americans”). In other news, Simon Cowell has assembled a veritable harem in St. Tropez and demands that his “baby-mama-to-be,” Lauren Silverman, submit to a DNA test. The most gracious thing to do after impregnating your best friend’s wife, according to the esteemed Mr. Cowell, is to deny paternity from your yacht. Also within the pages of Star: the editors have dredged up some EXCLUSIVE sordid details about Kris Jenner’s dad, which are most likely exclusive because literally no one else in the universe bothered to inquire about them. Yawn.

GRADE: F (being chased by a hooded wraith on a dragon)

“I DESERVE BETTER! $75 MILLION DIVORCE!”

Khloe and Lamar are not having a $75 million divorce; however, a friend (the diminutive elf living in her center part? Kylie Jenner’s tumblr?) has revealed that Khloe is thinking about it. Two mistresses have come forward proclaiming that they had affairs with Lamar, which has sent the Kardashian Klan into an intervention-staging frenzy. Okay. Next. Life & Style has some burning post-Oprah special questions for LiLo, including “Why didn’t she seem to be wearing a bra?” (Fig 2.) Thank you for asking the brave questions, L&S. Elsewhere in the rumor mill, the editors construct an entire article about Jennifer Lawrence’s “breakdown” based on two quotes from the September issue of Vogue. As evidence of “trouble” they include a picture of the actress smoking a joint and drinking red wine in Hawaii, which is the exact opposite of what a breakdown looks like. Next: John Mayer is planning on proposing to Katy Perry around the holidays, says a friend. “Nothing is ruled out,” in terms of what the proposal will look like, the magazine notes. Here’s hoping he hides the engagement ring in the feathered band of that stupid hat he wears all the time.

GRADE: C- (wrestling a hobbit)

“JEN’S WEDDING! ALL THE DETAILS”

Justin Theroux’s 42nd birthday party was apparently a rehearsal for a Jen-Justin wedding, which will take place at Aniston’s house! It will be small and have French food! According to a party guest, the couple “ascended a platform” at the birthday bash — then Aniston turned to Theroux and said, “Justin, will you take me, Jennifer Aniston, to be your lawfully wedded… [dramatic pause, everyone clutches their breast frantically] friend?” This story is probably fake because the source said that everyone “cracked up,” which is a gaping impossibility. In addition, the wedding will have a theme, which is “Rebirth.” So there will be a metaphoric birth at her wedding? Does this mean we should start speculating about the wedding’s metaphoric baby bump immediately? “BABY JOY: JENNIFER ANISTON’S WEDDING PREGNANT… WITH TWINS!” Moving on: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are on the rocks. A friend says that he hates her grills. It’s over, Liam. Also in the magazine: Justin Timberlake was spotted with a “mystery blonde” — ha ha, oh no, wait, it’s just his cousin. Relax, everyone, seriously. You don’t have to call your therapist. JT’s marriage is fine. Next. Farrah Abraham denies being an escort, although she does have escort friends, because, as she puts it, she has “friends in all different genres.” Friends in all different genres! The best genre of friend is probably “dystopian young adult fiction,” right?

GRADE: D (getting kidnapped by orcs)

“BACHELORETTE‘S DES & CHRIS: OVER ALREADY!”

Chris Siegfried and Desiree Hartsock from the Bachelorette are not having the best of time in their engagement. Yes, moving in with someone you met four weeks ago inside of a mansion in which you were denied contact with the outside world will do that! From Bachelorette contestant Ben comes one of the best sentences printed this week: “They can’t be on top of mountains anymore. Now they have to go on real dates — to Chili’s!” Indeed. Bethenny Frankel is getting revenge upon her soon-to-be-ex-husband Jason Hoppy. Bethenny has stated that she needs to “find [her] identity as a single mom”; inTouch sagely extrapolates that “that means a hot single mom.” Blerg. In other “hot mom” news (the world can never have enough!), Kim Kardashian is totally rocking her “mommy makeunder,” which is the thing that happens when you’re raising an infant and don’t wear high heels or sit in a makeup chair for hours. A close friend reveals that Kim has lost roughly 40 pounds already. One of the “secret weapons” in her slim-down arsenal is breast-feeding. Breast-feeding: this summer’s hot new weight-loss trick. And, finally: Harry Styles is copying Mick Jagger because they both sang into a microphone and wore a towel by the ocean (Fig 3).

GRADE: C (falling into a swamp of ghosts)

“BACHELOR SUICIDE”

In response to the tragic suicide of Gia Allemand, who was on the Bachelor and Bachelor Pad, US Weekly takes a moment to speculate on what could have gone wrong. Their answer is that “all she really wanted was to be married, with a family” and that wasn’t happening fast enough, needlessly turning a tragedy into a spectacle and a parable of the dangers of heartbreak. Moving on: a benevolent insider shares a glimpse of the Downton Abbey wrap party. Lady Edith “let her hair down and did shots.” Lady Mary “took a lot of iPhone photos.” Ambassador Pamuk died of sex (just kidding). Elsewhere in the mag, US Weekly gives us some insight into the wacky world of One Direction: Niall Horan says he “never realized how big” his teeth were. Zayn Malik and his girlfriend, Perry Edwards of Little Mix, go on 2 a.m. ice cream runs, which makes them “adventurous.” Harry Styles stole soap from Johnny Depp’s house. These kids are HOOLIGANS. Also inside: Teen Mom 3‘s Mackenzie Douthit tied the knot — figuratively, as in, she got married, but also literally, as in she tied a physical knot at her wedding — to Josh McKee. Good for them? Who are these people?

GRADE: D- (plunging after a Balrog into the fiery depths of a mine)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Star

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from inTouch