Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to the magazine store and notice that the classy magazines are more interesting than the trashy ones, swap out In Touch and Life & Style for People and Us, walk to the counter, notice the man behind it can tell something’s off, and feel sort of thrilled about breaking a routine.

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This week, Jennifer Aniston is the most beautiful woman in the world, Britney Spears is the luckiest woman in the world, Hillary Clinton is the least interesting woman in the world, Julia Roberts is the most pregnant woman in the world.

It’s time to take on El Niño.


Jennifer Aniston

One of the great Jennifers of the world has been named its most beautiful by People, and that means she was given a several-page Q&A in this week’s issue. (It also means she’s currently promoting something and has a very talented publicist.) The piece—entitled “Jen!”—begins with this wonderful lede: “Jennifer Aniston can take on El Niño any way. Despite the drizzling rain in Los Angeles, the actress’s easy smile and quick laugh instantly brighten the room.”

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Aniston spends the bulk of the interview answering boring questions with boring answers—she offers a few workout tips (do yoga for toned arms), healthy eating advice (start the day with hot lemon water), her “addictions” (dry shampoo), and husband Justin Theroux (“he’s so interesting and so interested”).

Other sort-of good Aniston quotes:

On Butts:

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“Well, I’ve never loved my butt. [Laughs]”

On Her Ideal Hair Length:

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“I’m a long-hair girl. I like my hair. [She grabs her hair and wraps it under her neck.]”

On How She and Justin Theroux Compliment Each Other:

“We give each other compliments. He’ll say, “You look beautiful,” or “That looks great.” Or I’ll say, “I don’t know about this outfit,” and he’ll say, “No let’s change that.” And I’ll absolutely say to him, “You know what? No T-shirts.” [Laughs]

On Water:

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“I drink water all day.”

On the Difficulty of Taco Tuesdays:

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“We used to do Taco Tuesday every week, and we haven’t been able to do that in, like, 10 years.”

But the most memorable quote came at the very end of the piece—and was so dark and so ominous, that it shook me to the core. My bones ache and my soul trembles—as if on the verge of escape.

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Read it and go cold.


Hillary Clinton

This feature—much like People’s “Jen!”—is mostly boring. There are words (so many words!) but none of the words surprised me. She talks about her donors (“Our campaign is powered by more than a million donors—the majority giving $100 or less!”), the TV shows she watches at home with Bill (Madam Secretary, NCIS, and House of Cards), and her granddaughter (“We just can’t get enough of her”)—but again, I wanted more.

Fortunately, “more” came in the form of “Hillary: She’s Just Like Us!”

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She toasts with beer!

Yasss mom! Pret-a-PORTER do u GET IT fam?

She plays mini golf!

Slayyyy mommy I love those stripes on u!

She flips burgers!

Kook me up a medium rare patty, kween!

She reads maps!

Navigate us mom!!!!!

I REPEAT: SHE READS MAPS!

I SAID NAVIGATE US, MOM!!!!

Britney Spears

Britney Spears is fine. Somehow this was given a cover story.


Julia Roberts

The marriage of Julia Roberts and Danny Moder, once thought to be in a downward spiral much like the one chronicled in the movie The Core, “has made a complete 180-degree turn!” And it’s all due to her surprise pregnancy! Yes, 48-year-old Julia Roberts is “about two months along” in her pregnancy, and has taken it “as a sign that they were meant to save their marriage.” Sure! Why not. Babies are only made when the mommy and the daddy love each other very much, so it must be the case!

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A few very strange insiders spoke to Star about the pregnancy and said things like, “Julia’s pregnancy must have made her realize not only how much she loves her husband but also how she contributed to their issues.” How, exactly? That’s unimportant! This baby solved all their problems.

Another said, “I heard she told him she wanted a divorce, and he said she’d never find anyone else who’d put up with her impossible mood swings.” Really? You heard that? Well I heard from someone else that Julia shoved Danny out of the house, tied him to a tree in their front yard, rolled out a wheelbarrow filled with dozens of VHS copies of Sleeping With the Enemy, and chucked ‘em at his legs for not one, not two, but several minutes.


I’m Obsessed With This Patrick Stewart Interview Response:


And Also:

  • Kourtney Kardashian and Justin Bieber have wonderful sex.
  • No one wants to see The Backstreet Boys in Vegas.
  • LeAnn Rimes is broke as a joke, and Eddie Cibrian might leave her for it.
  • Thanks to Megan Fox’s pregnancy, Star was kind enough to coin the term “Breakup Baby.”
  • Jennifer Garner has begun looking for a new man in England because she’s a “sucker for a British accent.”
  • Witney from DWTS is with child, but for some reason her name is not with “h.”
  • Anna Faris and Chris Pratt are...having issues. And they may involve...Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Elton John’s husband has sex a lot, but very rarely does he have sex with Elton John.
  • No one hates Charlize Theron more than Angelina Jolie, and vice versa.
  • Mila Kunis wore it better.
  • Katie Lee wore it better.
  • Lucy Hale wore it better.

Wrong Answer:


Appendix:

Fig 1 - Star

I did not buy In Touch today so please don’t yell about the lack of a Double Creature. Let’s all just pretend it was a rabbit who looked exactly like Helen Mirren.