Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we head back to the less-reliable newsstand, find ourselves pleasantly surprised to see that they have all the tabloids in stock, grab the four we need, wait in line behind a person buying even more tabloids than you, think about tapping her on the shoulder and saying, “Excellent choices, ma’am,” but decide to just let the moment pass.

This week: someone might have been killed at Jen and Justin’s honeymoon, Charlie Sheen might be a liar, Gwen and Blake might be over, and Jennifer Lawrence might be hooking up with the lesser Hemsworth.

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Let’s get this dumb party started.


OK!

JENNIFER & LIAM: HOT NEW ROMANCE

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Here’s the lede of OK’s cover story: “After years of flirty friendship, Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth are finally letting their true feelings show.” There’s nothing more to tell you, really. They had a few years of being flirty friends, and now they’re finally ready to let the bottle containing their romantic feelings burst open and send shards of shattering romance hurtling toward their bodies until their love blood creates beautiful splatters all over Jennifer’s bedroom. Ah, l’amour.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW BLAKE LIVELY FOUND HER OLD BODY???

And Also:

  • Sources say they “fear” Lamar Odom is “worse off than even what the Kardashians would have you believe.”
  • Sharon Osbourne is desperate for Kelly to find a fuckin’ husband.
  • Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth aren’t doing so great.
  • Selena Gomez is dating some non-famo named Sam Krost
  • Caitlyn Jenner is in love with her chauffeur, to which we all probably say, “Same.”
  • Kendall eats 400 calories a day, to which we all probably say, “Same.”

Grade: D (You only eat 400 calories today.)


In Touch

HIV SHOCKER: CHARLIE’S DEADLY LIES

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In Touch interviewed HEIDI FLEISS (and a few other sources) about Charlie Sheen’s HIV diagnosis, and boy did she have some things to say:

“Charlie did everything in his power to keep it a secret.”

Oh, wait, that’s actually the only statement Fleiss gave In Touch! How disappointing. In Touch did a pretty great job of making the whole thing read like it was a statement from Fleiss, and I almost fell for it! Oh well. The rest of these quotes are from anonymous sources.

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On Sheen reacting to his diagnosis:

“I thought he was going to kill himself when he found out .”

On Sheen not telling sexual partners about his status:

“A lot of people who slept with him didn’t find out about his condition until after they had sex with him, and when they found out, they were furious.”

On Sheen’s “sexual appetite”:

“Charlie will try anything, sexually. He’s into everything you can imagine.”

On one recipient of Sheen’s payouts:

“One girl told me she’d had unprotected sex with Charlie for almost a year. [She then] hired a lawyer and the settlement to her was $10 million.”

I wanted more from Fleiss, but what’re you gonna do.

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In Touch interviewed John Stamos, and his responses were...something.

In Touch: Are you dating these days?

John Stamos: What do you think I am, celibate?! Actually, dating is harder that it would seem.

IT: The original [Full House] started 28 years ago. How do you still look so great?

JS: Prayer and meditation are very important. And exercise. I do pilates and eat well. Consistency is key!

IT: What did you have for breakfast this morning?

JS: Egg whites.

IT: What’s your guilty pleasure?

JS: Doing interviews for In Touch.

And Also:

  • I still have no idea what’s going on with Brooks Ayers.
  • Bethenny Frankel thinks Martha Stewart hates her, and is probably right about that one to be honest.
  • Jennifer Aniston thinks Angelina Jolie based By the Sea on her relationship with Brad.
  • The Dance Moms woman is still being a bully to everyone.
  • Kylie Jenner’s real dream is to be a rapper, and will debut her first single on her app soon.
  • Turquoise is the color you want to be seen in if you don’t want to be seen as some kind of shitbag.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You’re Bethenny’s neighbor.)


Life & Style

GWEN & BLAKE: OVER ALREADY

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I know Gwen and Blake have only just begun, but they’ve apparently just ended, too. According to Life & Style’s sources, Gwen is the one who pulled the plug. “She was feeling overwhelmed,” they said. “She found all the attention surrounding her and Blake to be too much and regretted how soon they made their relationship public. It put too much pressure on them. Gwen needed space.” But despite the fact that their love has fizzled more quickly that Gwen’s last single, the source added that “they’re still going to spend time together so fans will see them hanging out lots.” How polite of them.

Miley “plunged into a dangerous downward spiral” after learning her ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth started dating Jennifer Lawrence. Sources say she feels “completely betrayed” by the lesser Hemsworth, and that she’s been “smoking pot more frequently and drinking more to numb the pain.” Imagine what being broken up with CHRIS Hemsworth feels like. Like, what would that downward spiral entail? Actual acts of unforgivable violence and debauchery? A crime spree? Probably.

And Also:

  • Bethenny’s old neighbors don’t even like her.
  • Countess LuAnn has been partying a little too hard lately and people are nervous.
  • Kate Middleton is making sure all the food her family eats is organic and grown on their estate.
  • Kris Jenner BANNED Caitlyn Jenner from appearing on promos for KUWTK’s new season.
  • Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley are having trouble choosing a wedding date.
  • I’m having trouble figuring out who Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley are.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (Someone tells you who Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley are.)


Star

JEN & JUSTIN: FRIEND DIED DURING THEIR HONEYMOON! WAS IT MURDER?

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I didn’t know about this deeply sad and strange story until today, so I’m going to spend some time on it. Carmel Musgrove was a guest at Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s honeymoon in Bora Bora. Musgrove, “a 28-year-old assistant to superstar producer Joel Silver,” was found dead “in the early hours of August 20” when “her naked body washed up on the beach.

“While local authorities attributed Carmel’s death to an accidental drowning, her family suspects foul play.” An autopsy found “marijuana and cocaine” in her system, but also noticed “bruises and abrasions on her body.” Carmel’s family thinks the autopsy wasn’t good enough, and “many” have begun wondering “if something was being covered up” due to the A-listers present at the time.

Because Star can only stay away from the celebrity angle for so long, the story ends by adding that Jen allegedly “hopes [Musgrove’s death] isn’t a bad omen” for her marriage.

And Also:

  • Bruno Mars is “trying to convince” Adele to join him during his Super Bowl performance.
  • Johnny Depp and Leo DiCaprio are “at war” over this year’s Best Actor race.
  • Janice Dickinson allegedly shaved her pubes over the sink at an LA gym.
  • Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg are in therapy, but they’re fine, so don’t worry.
  • Scott Disick is so alone.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You watch Janice Dickenson shave her pubes over the sink at an LA gym.)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - In Touch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.