Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we accept an unknown amount of money to read a book in the park beside a prominently displayed box of Zyrtec, and thank fans who compliment us online.

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This week, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pit are officially officially officially done, Katie Holmes is having a baby with Jamie Foxx, Gwen Stefani is having a baby with Blake Shelton, and In Touch claims they solved the murder of JonBenét Ramsey.

Oy, gevalt.


JonBenet Ramsey (Yeesh)

This is an In Touch “World Exclusive,” which doesn’t mean it’s totally reliable, but also doesn’t mean it’s not. As we’re probably aware, In Touch has been correct before (remember the Josh Duggar scandal?), but if I throw four decks of cards at a hat, I’m likely to get a couple in.

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This week’s story follows the “20 years of exhaustive research” done by a private investigator named Ollie Gray, “who was initially hired by the Ramsey family but continued the investigation on his own along with a dogged team of detectives.” Gray EXCLUSIVELY tells In Touch that he has solved the decades-old case, and has pinned the murder on a “deeply troubled” man named Michael Helgoth, who was 26 at the time, and “two to three” unnamed accomplices. There is reportedly a tape of Helgoth, who committed suicide in 1997, confessing to the murder. (The article suggests Helgoth was actually murdered by his accomplices in order to silence him.)

Helgoth’s former employee, a man named John Kenady, told Gray all about the tape, but he doesn’t actually have it. “A family member told my friend about the tape, which was removed from Mike’s house after he died,” he said. “But apparently it was overlooked by the police and returned to Mike’s family. I’m told someone close to him may still have the tape.”

So...the claim has been made, but the receipts are missing? Nothing to see here, folks.


Jared Fogle

Let’s keep this misery train going like Snowpiercer and move on to America’s least favorite former spokesperson! Both In Touch and Star have the exact same “exclusive” story about a letter he wrote “to a woman he knew years ago” from prison. The unnamed woman reportedly “reached out to him”—probably because she knew she’d be able to sell his response to not one, but two different magazines!

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It worked. Fogle’s letter is an eerie one—as all letters written by convicted child abusers are—and contains at least one smiley face, the sentence “You look hot!!” and what could be described as a pseudo-denial of any wrongdoing.

He writes:

“I’m currently appealing my prison sentence and am hoping for the best with it. Bottom line, my director of my foundation and friend did some bad stuff and tried to throw me under the bus with him.”

Reminder: Fogle admitted to possessing child pornography and to having sex with at least two minors.


Pregnancies

Everyone’s pregnant! Haha, OK, OK, you caught me. That was an exaggeration. Three people are pregnant! Just three. On the entire planet. Gwen Stefani is pregnant with Blake Shelton’s baby, Katie Holmes is pregnant with Jamie Foxx’s baby, and Drew Barrymore is pregnant with ????’s baby. This is not the first time either pregnancy has been reported this (or last) year, but it is the first time either pregnancy has been reported this week! So that makes it news.

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Gwen, reports Star, will be a “pregnant bride” when she and Blake marry this summer, as she is currently expecting a girl, whom they will name Emmylou—after “one of their favorite singers,” Emmylou Harris. I assume the name was a compromise after Blake’s first choice, Tire, was rejected by Gwen.

Who else is pregnant with a girl? Katie Holmes! And whose sperm fertilized Katy’s eggs? Jamie Foxx’s! Star refers to them as a married couple (they’re really going hard with that one, I see), and claims Katie had an “emotional phone call” with her ex-husband Tom Cruise to share the news. An insider claims “he’s happy for them,” and that he had some “very expensive flowers sent to them” after finding out. Nice guy. Too bad he hasn’t seen Suri in three years!

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I hate to do this to you, but there’s a third pregnancy to report. Drew Barrymore, who recently announced that she had filed for divorce from her husband Will Kopelman, is pregnant, and no one knows who the father is. Or, I guess Drew knows, but she’s not telling.

But I think we all know who it is.

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A man who recently re-entered her life after 30 years away....

A man with a heart of gold...or red....

This man:


Angelina and Brad

You know who’s not pregnant? Angelina Jolie. You know why not? Because she doesn’t want to have sex with Brad Pitt anymore! Their marriage is “in shambles,” and sources say “their almost two-year union” (remember they got married yeeeeears after they started dating) is “unsalvageable.”

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The problem, claims an insider, is that Angie is “wound up” about all of Brad’s younger, female costars. She’s “extremely jealous about other women,” specifically Marion Cotillard, Brad’s costar in the upcoming snoozer Five Seconds of Silence. Attempts to “recapture some of the magic of their early days” together have failed (was that what By the Sea was?), and “the breakup is already underway.”

Amy Adams Posing Uncomfortably With a Live Action Belle of the Week

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And Also:

  • Britney Spears is not pregnant, but she would like to adopt!
  • Kylie Jenner never bothered to housebroken her dogs, and refuses to clean up their shit when they inevitably squat in her home.
  • Here’s a good sentence: “Jessica Biel celebrated her 1 millionth Instagram follower by baking (and smashing her face with) a sweet confection.”
  • Katy Perry wants to have a baby with Orlando Bloom, which is a bad idea.
  • Bachelor Ben and the woman he chose at the end of last season are probably gonna break up.
  • Miranda Lambert is planning to marry that boring guy she reportedly loves.
  • Mel B and Posh are feuding like it’s 1999.
  • Yolanda Hadid is going to write a memoir about her struggles with Lyme disease.
  • Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez are back together for some reason.
  • Henry Cavill is probably going to marry his 19-year-old girlfriend.

Wrong Answer:


Appendix:

Fig. 1: In Touch

Fig. 2: Life & Style