Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we win the Powerball, buy a plane, take it to Los Angeles, buy the house next door to Kim Kardashian, the house next door to Khloe Kardashian, the house next door to Kris Jenner, and the house next door to Caitlin Jenner...and wait.

This week, Gwen Stefani is still pregnant, Mila Kunis is still sad, and Kris Jenner is eating cheeseburgers for breakfast.


OK!

After glancing at an item about Rob Kardashian’s “health crisis,” my eyes darted to the next page, where RUMER ADDICTED TO REDECORATING stops me like a reinforced brick wall. Addicted? To redecorating? I mean, if anyone’s going to be given press for being addicted to redecorating, it’s going to be Rumer Willis. Can you name a trait of hers that isn’t either physical or being “addicted to redecorating?” No? Didn’t think so. I hope she doesn’t start mainlining paint. Oh, Chris Hemsworth’s career is “in crisis,” and he’s worried he’ll “be stuck in his Thor costume forever.” Not a problem, in my opinion. Kristen Wiig is jealous of Amy Schumer for being the new funniest woman in Hollywood? And she wants to “unseat” her by showing Hollywood “she’s the real queen of dirty comedy?” I support this endeavor, because competition is good fuel for self-improvement. Nicole Kidman exercises a lot, possibly due to the fact that she isn’t acting a lot. Gisele and Tom don’t drink coffee or eat tomatoes because they cause inflammation or something. Imagine cutting coffee and tomatoes from your diet because Gisele Bundchen made you fear inflammation.

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OK, let’s move on to the big stuff. Remember last week, when it was revealed to the world that Ashton Kutcher visited that seedy massage parlor reportedly known for its happy endings? Well, Mila found out and is apparently mad, but fine. A source said, “No matter what’s happened with other women in the past, she adores Ashton.” Four pages were dedicated to this. Meanwhile, only two pages were dedicated to arguably the most important story in this issue: Sandra Bullock and Bryan Randall’s double date with Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Bullock brought Louis and Laila, and they had a grand old time on the slopes. I will dream about being there for the next dozen nights. Sipping hot chocolate while Bullock tells stories about Tate Donovan. Teaching Jennifer Aniston how to properly make a s’more. Approaching Justin Theroux and asking, “Need any help taking off those ski boots?”

Grade: C+ (You’re Rumer Willis.)


In Touch

The first thing I saw in this issue was a photo of Katie Holmes, with an arrow pointing at her cleavage that said “SAGGY CELEBS.” (See appendix.)

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The next thing I saw in this issue was a Who Wore It Better feature in which Meghan Trainor beat Fergie, which sounds like a Meghan Trainor song in the making. The song would be called “I Wore It Better” and the video concept would be, like, a tabloid, and Meghan is inside the tabloid, wearing a different outfit every time someone turns the page. Or something. It would be a minor hit. Clay Aiken then “trashed” American Idol, which seems like a very effective way for Clay Aiken to remain relevant. Teresa Giudice’s face looks different after prison, which surprises In Touch. A photo of Jamie-Lynn Sigler was given a full page, which surprises me. Oh, lucky me, a photo of Lea Michele being fed nachos by her new boyfriend, Matthew Paetz. Did Lea Michele’s hands break? Does Matthew Paetz get turned on by feeding her? Am I supposed to know who Matthew Paetz is? Did Steven Avery do it? I hate having so many questions.

Jennifer Garner wants to start dating again, but “Ben won’t let go” because he’s “demanding and jealous.” Additionally, they still live together, so things could potentially get weird. Imagine going on a date with Jennifer Garner and coming home for a nightcap to find Ben Affleck spread out on the couch watching Pulp Fiction with, like, one ball hanging out of his boxers. “Who’d you bring home tonight,” he screams as the other ball pops out. Moving on, fillers almost blinded Ashley Olsen. She got fillers (Sculptra, allegedly), her face got all bruised and blackened, and forced her to get emergency treatment. There are more details about the needle used and what exactly happened to her blood vessels, but they all make me want to barf, so I’m gonna stop here. Oh, actually hold on, I almost forgot to mention that Gwen Stefani is pregnant. It’s a girl.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (Lea Michele asks you to feed her nachos.)


Life & Style

Oh, cool. The sister wives from Sister Wives are on the cover. That’s very cool. Very interesting to me. Can’t wait to read about them. But before I do, let’s check out the trash up front. Literally everyone is wearing metallic everything, Emma Stone rocks sideswept bangs better than the hideous, revolting creature known as Marion Cotillard, Adam Schulman is pissed off at Anne Hathaway for not eating enough during her pregnancy, Bachelor Ben is a mommy’s boy, Joe Jonas got drunk as hell on New Year’s Eve, and—make sure you’re sitting down for this one—Mischa Barton “flipped out” in a movie theater bathroom “because she got barbeque sauce all over her jacket.” I’ve been there, girl. We’ve all been there.

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OK, Sister Wives time.

All three sister wives dumped their brother husband.

OK, end of Sister Wives time.

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Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are engaged again, which I support only because I don’t want to read about how much she misses Liam anymore. Additionally, I am interested in reading about how well she gets along with all the other Hemsworths at their wedding. In less romantic news, Louis Tomlinson’s baby mama is trying to get $58,000 a month from him. In even less romantic news, and Anna Duggar is pregnant with Josh Duggar’s baby.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (Your name is Helena Brenda Carter)


Star

Matthew Perry has been looking a little disheveled lately, so everyone thinks he’s dying. Can you imagine being photographed outside a grocery store on the weekend in pajamas and messy hair and being told by friends and family that you look like you’re dying? That’s life for Matthew Perry. And everyone else in Hollywood. Similarly, Kristen Stewart is being told by some major fashion house (probably Chanel) that she’s getting too fat.

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You know who else is being told they’re getting too fat? Kris Jenner! You know who’s telling her that? Star! They say she’s gained 72 pounds in four months, which seems both untrue and hard to prove. Sources say she’s gone from a 1,500 calorie-a-day diet to 6,000, and that she eats cheeseburgers for breakfast.

One final note: Tom and Gisele are divorcing.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You want a cheeseburger for breakfast but are all out of cheeseburgers.)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - In Touch

Fig. 2- Star


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.