Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we find ourselves reading 30-year-old love letters written by Tom Cruise to his ex-girlfriend twice in a row for some reason. This week, Ellen DeGeneres and Scott Disick could very easily be dying, Ben Higgins could very easily be the most boring person on the planet, and Duchess Kate could very easily have the most fertile eggs on the planet.

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Let’s just do this already, shall we?


OK!

A “well-placed source” inside the royal circle decided to call up OK! magazine and claim there are two female buns inside Duchess Kate’s still-warm Easy-Bake Oven. The source must have been on some of the better shit being sold in the UK, because they provided far too many unbelievable details about how it all went down. (That is not a complaint.) Kate reportedly told William (whom OK! describes as a “helicopter pilot”) by texting him a sonogram without a caption. Minutes later, he called (perhaps while piloting a helicopter) “and said, ‘You’re joking, aren’t you? We’re not really having a baby right now,’” after which Kate “reassured him that they weren’t having ‘a’ baby, and then swiftly followed that up with the truth: they’re having two!” And then, I don’t know, William almost crashed his helicopter and now Kate’s going to be a single mother (because William lives in a helicopter) and, eventually, she’s going to be Queen.

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Next up, OK! has photos of Tom Cruise and his “hometown sweetheart” from 30 years ago, Diane Cox. Though she’s happily married now, Cox felt the need to share some old photos of her and Tom—as well as some of his love letters—with at least two tabloids (Star and OK!) this week. Though Star bills their photos as “exclusives,” OK! published the same ones so it sort of seems like Cox did a little fibbing and nabbed two checks! Good for Cox.

Now please look at this beautiful thing Tom wrote to a woman in 1980.

And now, a new feature I’m calling OK! Magazine Misses the Point:

And Also:

  • Kris Jenner offered Rob $1M to return to KUWTK.
  • Armie Hammer was being a total diva at Sundance even though he can’t headline a movie.
  • Allison Williams doesn’t know what to do about her career.
  • Anna Faris is jealous of Chris Pratt’s friendship with his Passengers co-star Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Ryan Gosling is cheating on Eva Mendes with Emma Stone, which is such a boring affair that I bet Eva doesn’t even care.
  • Kaley Cuoco has been “hooking up” with Johnny Galecki, which leads me to believe OK! thinks “hooking up” means “getting ice cream.”

Grade: D- (Tom Cruise sends you that doodle.)


US Weekly

I went for US instead of In Touch (sorry there won’t be a Double Creature) this week because I’m very into The Bachelor this season and Ben Higgins was on the cover. He’s handsome, I’m a sucker, and now I’m upset that I went for the second-least trashy of the weekly tabloids (after People, of course). The gossip is more boring than I’d expected—he loves two women at the same time?!?!?!?!—and contains very little that wasn’t touched upon during the bonkers promos for the remainder of the season. In an interview with Us, Higgins said, “There’s not always a clear-cut answer. Sometimes you’ve gotta just stay true to what’s right,” because he is a deeply kind and deeply boring person.

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Mya, who has added an inexplicable accent mark to the ‘y’ in her name that I’m unable to type on this keyboard, is quoted in this issue because she just released her first album since 2011. For reasons Us decided to leave out, she said:

“Every year, I give myself an extreme challenge. I’ve tried cliff diving, veganism, and celibacy.”

And that’s the end of their/my Mya coverage.

And Also:

  • Craig Ferguson believes in ghosts.
  • Maggie Grace keeps avocados in her bag when she’s “rushing around.”
  • Honestly there’s nothing else in here.
  • This magazine is too classy for Midweek Madness.
  • They don’t even have a damned crossword puzzle.

Grade: F (You have a conversation with Ben Higgins and he does all the talking.)


Life & Style

OK, back to the steamier garbage. Scott Disick’s friend claims (in a world exclusive) that he recently overdosed on a “lethal combination” of cocaine, vodka, beer, and Viagra. After being discovered “unresponsive” in a hotel room, Disick “was given an adrenaline shot to revive him...like that crazy scene out of Pulp Fiction.” This is, of course, Kourtney’s “nightmare,” and she is reportedly worried their children will grow up without a father. The friend is also worried, and claims that “pretty soon, someone is going to walk in [Disick’s] room and he’s just going to be gone. He’s just not going to wake up.”

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On a brighter note—if you’re the type of person who thinks having another Giudice on this planet qualifies as bright—Teresa Giudice got herself pregnant right after getting home from prison. Or, at least, that’s what sources claim. But you could tell me a source claims Teresa Giudice abandoned her family and ran off with an escaped prisoner and I’d shrug and say, “Good for her.”

Here is a very good Tia Mowry quote:

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“Even today, I’m obsessed with space. The other week, I Googled what space sounds and smells like.”

And Also:

  • Kate Hudson is recording an album.
  • Zayn is going to write a “tell-all” about One Direction.
  • Prince Harry is fucking Suki Waterhouse.
  • Wear ruffles or ruffle my feathers!

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (Tia Mowry asks you what space sounds like and you’re force to let her down gently.)


Star

Ellen DeGeneres is dying. Or something. Maybe she’s just sick! Maybe she’s living! I’ve only read the cover, so who knows. OK, flipping, flipping, flipping, ah. “ELLEN’S HEALTH CRISIS” is that her friends are “worried” because she’s “shockingly gaunt.” There’s no news—or even speculation—of an actual diagnosis. Nope, just a bunch of worry. Friends are worried. Ellen’s worried. Portia is worried. It may be a cancer thing. It may be a heart thing. It may be stress. No one knows! But she’s certainly gaunt. Look how gaunt. First comes gaunt, then comes death. We all know that.

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What else. Oh! Here’s a lie about Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell finally getting married! And another story about Anna Faris being mad at Chris Pratt for getting close to Jennifer Lawrence. Ah, right. The same story about Tom Cruise I read in OK. Yeah. We’re done here.

And Also:

  • Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are definitely boning.
  • Sarah Hyland hit on Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman is pissed because she’s human.
  • Hilary Duff wore a bikini.
  • Kristin Cavallari passed out oranges to children.
  • Russell Crowe has a crush on Kim Basinger again.
  • Amy Schumer pays for all of her boyfriend’s shit, which is kind of her

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (All of your friends just suddenly assume you’re dying.)


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.