Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we honestly cannot take any precious time to write a satisfactory introduction because there is something super important we need to discuss. This week, Tom is leaving his church, Jennifer Aniston is preg, and the best story of all time.

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I’m so excited to share this with you.


Leonardo DiCaprio

Allow me to preface this beautiful piece of celebrity gossip by saying I heard a less-detailed version it perhaps a year ago from a friend who claimed to know someone who claimed to know someone who fucked Leonardo DiCaprio. According to her (or so the story goes), Leo completed the act while wearing...headphones. Though several degrees removed from the woman who told the firsthand account, I frequently thought about the tale and giggled at the mental image. It was a private source of laughter, as I’d never seen it recounted in print or online...until today.

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When I first noticed a story about Leo’s sex life teased on the cover of OK!, I giggled at the headline (“OH, NO! EX-LOVER TELLS ALL: LEO’S AWFUL IN BED”) on the street and snapped a photo. It wouldn’t be about that rumor, I thought. That rumor wasn’t about laziness, per se. It was about headphones. Oh, how wrong I was.

The item (titled “LEO HOLLYWOOD’S LAZIEST LOVER!”) tell the story of one of Leo’s “recent conquests” being invited to his home “for a romp,” as recounted by a friend she “tattled” to. The friend claims that while Leo and the woman were engaging in sexual intercourse, Leo “reached for his vaporizer and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, laid back and closed his eyes and signaled for her to keep going.” This was the same unverified story I’d heard so many months ago, but with additional details like simultaneous vaping and the fact that the headphones were “noise-canceling.” Oh! Oh. There’s one other thing. The most important thing, actually. This friend revealed the detail I had been dying for since first hearing this rumor: what was Leo listening to?

Would you like to know the answer?

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Would you like to know what a source told OK! magazine that Leonardo DiCaprio listens to on his noise-canceling headphones while vaping and having sex with women?

I’ll give you a hint: 2008.

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Does that do anything for you?

Here’s another one: Oooh, girl...

No?

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How about this: Shock me like an electric eel...

Closer??

Hint #4: Baby girl...

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You’re warm, I can feel it.

One final hint: Turn me on with your ELECTRIC FEELOHMYGOD LEO ALLEGEDLY LISTENS TO MGMT ON NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES WHILE “LAZILY” HAVING SEX

CAN

YOU

DEAL

WITH

THIS?


Jennifer Aniston & Baby

It’s Wednesday, and that can only mean one thing: Jennifer Aniston is pregnant again! But what makes this Wednesday a little different is that the publication screaming about Aniston’s uterus from the mountaintops this week has exclusive photos to “back up” their claim. In them, Aniston can be seen paddle-boarding in the Bahamas alongside her husband Justin Theroux while showing off what may or may not be the introductory curves of a baby bump.

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“Finally! Jen’s pregnant at 47,” the magazine screams ahead of several photos with captions like, “BUMP ALERT,” “TAKING IT EASY,” “SO IN LOVE,” “SHE’S GETTING FULLER,” “COVERING HER BUMP,” and “HOT DAD BOD!”

After closely examining the photos of Aniston’s alleged baby bump, Jezebel’s Managing Editor Kate Dries said, “I feel like she just ate a lot of burritos?”

Replied Features Editor Jia Tolentino, “I’d love a burrito.”


Tom Cruise & L. Ron Hubbard

Tom Cruise is leaving Scientology because he’s “so smitten” with an actress named Annabelle Wallis, his 31-year-old costar in the upcoming reboot of The Mummy.

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Said a source, “She told him she couldn’t make a commitment to him so long as he was a practicing Scientologist.” Right. Mmmmhmmm. The source continued, “The buzz in Tom’s circle is that he’s ready to walk. Absolutely nobody saw this coming; Annabelle must have really bowled him over to get him to even think about quitting.”

If this is even remotely true (and I do not believe it is) David Miscavige would put a stop to the relationship so quickly—and perhaps viciously—that Tom would forget he ever knew someone named Annabelle Wallis. Meanwhile, has anyone seen Shelly?


  • Emilia Clarke on Leo: “‘I just need to breathe the same air as him,’ she’s gushed. As for love, there’s a chance... ‘If [he] decides to stop dating supermodels.’”
  • The sister wives from Sister Wives did something and I refused to read a single word about it.
  • Bethenny Frankel is a “happy homewrecker.”
  • Kylie Jenner has “every possible iteration of her name plugged into her Google alerts” so that she can read every story written about her.
  • Gwen Stefani wants Blake to go on tour with her because she’s afraid of their relationship falling apart if they’re not constantly together.
  • Celine Dion is probably dating her guitar player.
  • Ben Higgins wants to marry JoJo.
  • North West’s wardrobe is “worth about $1 million.”
  • George Clooney might play Donald Trump in an HBO movie.
  • Jessica Biel might be preggo again.
  • Tori Spelling might be preggo again.
  • Duchess Kate might be preggo again.
  • Prince Harry and Ellie Goulding might be doing it.
  • Melissa Etheridge left her twins “high and dry financially.”

Wrong Answer:


Appendix: