This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Kristine Gutierrez heads to the newsstand and buys the latest issues of Ok!, Life & Style, In Touch, Us and Star, where we lose our religion and worship celebrity "news." What does all this shit all mean? This week: Ann Curry is having the last laugh; the J'Anthrax wedding is off; Robert Pattinson's drinking like a fish and Demi Moore is fucking a real-life Zoolander character. Let's do this.


This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

Ok!

“From Moms to Monsters”

Teen Mom produced some fucked-up lives. Yes, no shit, because taking advantage of teenagers with kids in imbalanced environments, shoving them to the forefront of gossip magazine covers (like this one!) and thinking that they won’t “change” with the money and fame makes sense. The lives of Farrah Abraham, Amber Portwood and Jenelle Evans are at a constant level of fucked-up-ness, that there really is nothing new or shocking to write about. And the only monsters in this mess are tab editors and MTV. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Got secretly engaged and now they’re just plain engaged because the alleged secret is out. They will probably announce their secretive-not-so-secret engagement on a secret date (shh, it's a secret.) Jennifer Anniston is pregnant because 1. She wore a baby-doll shirt/dress that was a bit stiff 2. She kept on “pawing” her belly at the same event to which she wore said dress 3. Her fiancé Justin is treating her like she’s a “fragile, delicate flower.” Or she just had raging diarrhea/felt a little bloated. Victoria Beckham designs her amazing, drool-worthy clothes by getting naked and draping the fabric right on her svelte body. Miley Cyrus has promised to cut back on tweeting about her engagement with Liam Hemsworth. While Jennifer Garner is working on her sports film, Draft Day, Ben Affleck has enjoyed placing his role as dad as the #1 priority, or as Ok! likes to put it, he’s “Mr. Mom” to his kids.

Grade: F (Pessimism/shit sucks)


This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

Life & Style

“Kim and Kanye: The End”

It all started with Monday's Costume Institue Gala: Kanye had his buddy Ricardo Tisci of Givenchy design a dress for baby momma Kim, and what did Kim do to the dress? She added sleeves in complete disobedience to Kanye's controlling ways and artistic vision for his girlfriend. It’s the first step for Kim to start taking a stance from Kanye dictating the nature of their relationship. Or maybe her hands were cold, or maybe she needed a buffer to stop her incessant butt-scratching WHO KNOWS - these are two of the most narcissistic, selfish people in entertainment they were not meant to happen. They will not last. Everyone can calm down. The Queen of England is unhappy with Kate Middleton's blasphemous, non-royal decisions with her pregnancy. We're assuming that the Queen, in a cockney accent, said, "you bloody bleeder, you cahn't" to the Duchesses’ plan to give birth in a hospital not deemed royal enough for royalty. Taylor Swift bought a secluded $17 millie Rhode Island house so she could give all of her boyfriends their own room and they will never ever leave. Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak feels betrayed by her man, Kroy Biermann's relationship with another younger, woman THREE YEARS AGO. She wants to move on, presumably because this happened THREE YEARS AGO ZOMG WHO CARES. But also, because Kim and Kroy want to focus on their two kids, Kroy Jr. and Kash. How kute. Former Playboy model Holly Madison has lost 30 pounds since giving birth in March - she ate her baby's placenta (in gel cap form). Life & Style named Blake Lively the fashion "winner" of the Met Gala, just like how prom names that blonde girl prom queen.

Grade: F (Taoism/shit happens)


This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

In Touch

"$8 Million Tell-All"

Inside, the story is titled "Ann Makes Matt Pay!" but really, it's a rehash of everything that's gone down on the Today show over the last year — and the details from Brian Stelter's book you're already heard. But! A "source" claims that the publishing industry is "dying" to get their hands on Ann Curry's side of the story, and that she COULD get $8 million for a book deal, which is what Hillary Clinton got. Alas, NBC insists that Ann is not writing a book, so there is no deal. Still, the mag points out Ann may get the last laugh: While Matt was playing court jester and dancing to Gangnam Style on May 3, Ann was promoing her Rock Center piece about oil drilling in the Amazon. The episode had a ratings jump. GO ANN. Also inside: in RHOA drama, Porsha says NeNe is a lesbian. Amanda Bynes is obsessed with Drake. Scott "American Psycho" Disick has spent about $2 million on stuff like Tom Ford slippers, gold chains, Birkin bags and Rolls-Royces. Poor Paris Jackson might be a cutter. Miley wants to save her relationship with Liam by going to couples therapy. Heidi Klum doesn't get Botox, feels like she could be fitter, and has folks saying 40 is the new 30. Finally: A story about Kim Kardashian's "bikini body freakout" insists that Kim is very controlling of her image and "works with paparazzi to retouch her photos." A source says: "If she turns up looking amazing in a bikini, you can bet she controlled the whole thing." Interesting. She is indeed in a bikini on the cover of Us. More about this in a bit!

Grade: D- (Stoicism/this shit is good for you)


This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

Us

"You Call This Fat?"

We're going to do a separate item on this, but here's the deal: Us has been the only one of the five tabloids we cover every week to constantly defend Kim Kardashian and do Kardashian-friendly covers. As In Touch snipes (jealously? because they couldn't get the images?) there are exclusive bikini photos here not seen in any other magazine. They're credited as being from Splash News Online, but when we logged on to that site, the images were not there. Weird. Obviously the mag is positioning itself as Team Kardashian, which is cool, because fat-shaming sucks. But is this journalism (in as much as ANY tabloid is) or product placement? The story is all about how Kim is "loving" the seventh month of pregnancy and feeling really confident about her body; she and Kanye "talk 100 times a day", and everything is fine and awesome and just the way they want it, mmkay? (Stay tuned for separate post!)

Grade: B+ (Utopianism/shit does not stink)


This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

Star

"The Fight To End All Fights"

Apparently the J'Anthrax wedding is off. But don't be fooled: The pix of Jennifer Aniston crying are from 2009, when she was filming The Bounty Hunter. Still. Apparently Jen is still super flirty with her friend Gerard Butler, and they have chemistry, and Justin Theroux does not like that one bit. He's all, "I'm gonna teach you and your friends about peen." Oh and Jen's been planning the wedding around her schedule and not Justin's. "She even told Justin that he needs to schedule his projects around hers," a source claims. Ouch. Plus: "Justin told her she'd better knock her ego down a couple of notches or he'll never marry her." But guys, hasn't she been pregnant with twins for like three years now? Let's move on. Also inside: Robert Pattinson can't stop drinking and even brings vodka to set so he can sip all day. Kris Jenner's talk show debuts in July but every A-list celeb she's invited to appear has either refused or ignored the request, whoops! Miley Cyrus is a shopaholic, addicted to shopahol — and expensive jeans. Producers want Derek Hough from DWTS be the new Bachelor. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have a "marriage in crisis," and a source claims that while he is a good dad, he's obsessed with work and Jen has to turn down jobs in order to keep the family together. Nicholas Hoult and Jennifer Lawrence might be back on, thanks to seeing each other recently to discuss the X-Men sequel. Kids are banned at Ellen and Portia de Rossi's house. Drew Barrymore and her husband get a babysitter once a month, check into a hotel and role play: Sometimes they meet at the bar and pretend to be business travelers; once Drew dressed up as a chambermaid. Amanda Bynes might be trolling us all and just "acting" crazy on Twitter, building a fan base (?!). Last, but not least: This is one of the best stories EVER. 50-year-old Demi Moore is dating a 30-year-old Australian "wildman" named Will Hanigan. He is basically a cross between Hansel in Zoolander and Eli in the Royal Tenembaums, which, maybe makes him Owen Wilson? But like a spoof of an Owen Wilson character. (Fig. 1) Some facts about Will: He's a commercial pearl diver. He looks like a Viking. He met Demi through Yoga. He uses a sheared sheepskin as a yoga mat. He's worked as a roadie for a hip-hop/reggae artist. At some point he decided to be a Sikh and his "alternate name" is Simranjeet Singh. Last year he went to the Amazon to do ayahuasca. He and Demi use the sauna at Nine Treasures Yoga in West Hollywood and "can be heard making wild sexual noises inside." SO GOOD. Get it girl. And someone set up Will — err, Simranjeet — with a reality show, STAT.

Grade: C+ (Existentialism/what is this shit?)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Demi Moore's Dating a Sikh Viking Yogi Sex GodS

Fig. 1, from Star