Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we approach the counter of our new magazine store, ask the friendly man to unbox this week’s tabloids, wait patiently as he finds them, and are given a funny look after telling him that, no, we have no interest in purchasing People or Us Weekly, and that Star, In Touch, OK!, and Life & Style are enough.

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This week, Miley was dumped by Liam, Jamie was dumped by Katie, Scott Disick is dating Kylie Jenner (Jesus Christ), and Rene Angelil was involved in an early-2000s scandal that I had no idea about until today.


René Angélil

Let’s get this one out of the way because it is dark. The cover story of this week’s Star is a “bombshell report” about the “sex scandal” that “rocked” the marriage of Celine Dion and René Angélil in the early 2000s. Angélil was accused of raping “a woman in a Las Vegas hotel in 2000, then paid her an astounding $2 million in ‘hush money’—and initially kept the whole thing secret from Celine.”

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The accuser, Yun Kyeong Sung Kwon, claims Angélil “pushed his way” into her hotel room, “sexually forced himself upon Mrs. Kwon as he fended off her attempts to protect herself,” and—after “accomplishing orgasm...warned her that ‘if my wife finds out about this, I’ll kill you!’”

“Three months after the alleged incident,” Kwon agreed to a “secret settlement” that included a $2 million payoff, as well as “René’s agreement that he would offer an ‘apology’ and take a blood test to screen for HIV.” In 2002, Kwon filed a civil suit against Angélil because he had only fulfilled the financial element of their terms. At that point, Angélil’s lawyers claimed she had “fabricated the rape allegation after two years because she now had huge casino gambling debts,” and provided secretly taped footage of Kwon’s lawyers “asking for $13.5 million for their clients to drop the civil case.” This led to the arrest of Kwon and her husband, and a trial during which they were convicted of “extortion, conspiracy, and soliciting a bribe.” Kwon spent five years in prison, and her husband spent four.

Star notes “their extortion and conspiracy convictions were later overturned on appeal,” and conducted an “exclusive” interview with the Kwons’s then-attorney, Robert Langford, who said:

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“In my opinion, police didn’t want to move forward with their investigation. We had the jacket [which Kwon claims Angélil ejaculated on] analyzed privately, and they found semen from an individual with a very low sperm count, which could indicate someone with a medical condition that would make it difficult to conceive a child.

[...]

The judge in my client’s criminal trial ruled that whether rape had occurred or not, per my client’s civil suit, it had nothing to do with the criminal case for extortion. So we were not permitted to call Angélil to testify, or to compel him to provide a DNA sample.”

Star also published court papers (obtained “exclusively” by them) that claim Kwon “kept multiple items with Angélil’s DNA from the attack,” including:

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  • “a washcloth with Mr. Angélil’s semen”
  • “pubic hairs from Mr. Angélil”
  • “hair from Ms. Sung’s head”
  • “a broken fingernail that Ms. Sung stated was broken during the attack”

Celine, who was 12 when Angélil began managing her, has reportedly only mentioned the incident once in public, when she said, “It is the price we pay. There is always someone out there wanting to destroy you. But I refuse to allow anyone to damage the things I hold most dear.”

I know, I know. This is a lot to take in. And it was published in...Star. But, well, there it is.


Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes

Because I’m exhausted from that René story, I’m going to try to make these next items a little...lighter.

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So.

Katie and Jamie! Aphrodite and Adonis! These two potential lovebirds, whom the tabloids have been claiming are either dating/married/about to get married for two years, are apparently “on the verge of a split,” though some sources say they’re going to stay together forever. Who can know! Not OK! magazine, that’s for sure.

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Here’s an imagine conversation in which they discussing their relationship.

KATIE: What are we doing.

JAMIE: What do you mean?

KATIE: I mean, what are we doing?

JAMIE: We’re...living our lives.

KATIE: [Silence]

JAMIE: We’re...loving each other without caring what people think.

KATIE: [Silence]

JAMIE: We’re...hiding. You’re right. We’re hiding. We need to be public with this. We owe it to Suri and Annalise. We owe it to ourselves. We deserve to be happy without worrying what the tabloids will say. What Tom will say. We deserve to be as open about our love as Blake and Gwen. We deserve [he gestures back and for to himself and Katie] this. We deserve love.

WAITER: I think she meant what are you doing for drinks.

JAMIE: We’ll just get a bottle of something expensive and bubbly.

WAITER: Right away.

KATIE: Mmmm. I love bubbles.


Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth

After what has felt like a century of these two being together, then broken up, then together again, then broken up again, Miley and Liam have called off their engagement and their relationship after Liam cheated on her with “a beautiful girl.”

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And here’s another conversation that never actually happened.

MILEY: [to her phone] Liam?

CHRIS: No, it’s his brother. He told me to answer.

MILEY: Tell him I need to talk to him, Chris.

CHRIS: He doesn’t want to talk.

MILEY: Don’t be an asshole, Chris. Give the phone to Liam.

CHRIS: He says it’s over, Miley.

MILEY: And I say it’s none of your business, Chris! Now hand the phone to Liam!

CHRIS: I’m hanging up now.

MILEY: If you fucking hang up I swear to god I’ll tweet that photo of you I took last summer while we were surfing.

CHRIS: Don’t you dare, Hannah Montana.

MILEY: Oh I dare, Thor.

CHRIS: [to Liam] Talk to her or she said she’s gonna post the pic of my wanger!

LIAM: [to Chris] Who cares! You’re a Hemsworth. What does dad always say? “Hemsworths are proud of our penises.”

CHRIS: [to Liam] Not proud enough to put it on fuckin’ social media or whatever.

MILEY: I’m gonna tweet it in 10 seconds. 10. 9. 8.

LIAM: Miley, don’t. It’s me.

MILEY: I was closer than ever this time.


Scott Disick and Kylie Jenner

These two might be fucking, as In Touch is calling Disick Kylie’s “rebound” after breaking up with Tyga. I don’t know if I believe this one—or, at least, I don’t want to believe it—but have an idea what they probably talk about while eating dinner.

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: [laughs] [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [burps] [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [sneezes] [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: Bless you. [iPhone keyboard clicks] Hey did you know there’s a rumor that we’re fucking?

SCOTT: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks]

SCOTT: [iPhone keyboard clicks] What?

KYLIE: [iPhone keyboard clicks] What?


Amber Rose Interview of the Week:


Please Read “I Kissed”:


And Also:

  • Joaquin Phoenix “needs to make $5 million a year to support his lifestyle,” and he’s...not.
  • Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are “drifting apart.”
  • Star claims Chris Evans wants to date Minka Kelly for some reason.
  • Brody Jenner won’t invite any Kardashians to his wedding, and I’m sure they’re all very sad to be missing it.
  • J. Lo and Casper Smart might adopt a baby.
  • God help us, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are expecting TWINS.
  • When Taylor Swift goes out to eat, she has her bodyguard stop everyone in the restaurant from taking photos—even of themselves.
  • Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have “decided to renew their wedding vows.”
  • George Clooney “has never liked” Tom Cruise.
  • Good Morning America is a fucking war zone.
  • Eva Mendes “refuses to marry” Ryan Gosling.
  • Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are “secretly married.”

Wrong Answer:


And Also: