This Week in Tabloids: Casper Smart's Trans Crush 'Curvier Than JLo'
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand to pick up the brand-new, just-off-the-truck issues of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok!, and Star, so that together we may “read” the gossip so you don’t “have” to. This week was slow. SO SLOW. But we do have a “scandal” involving JLo’s boyfriend Beau “Casper” Smart.
Us
MY BEST BODY EVER
Miranda Lambert opens up about her “best body ever.” It’s this one, the corporeal form she was born into, as opposed to all the other human-suits her disembodied consciousness has occupied through the centuries! Haha, just kidding, this is an article about weight loss. It’s accompanied by a feature entitled “More Weight Winners,” feat. other female celebrities who have lost weight, feat. Jessica Simpson (duh) and Nicki Minaj. Sigh. Moving on: Chris Evans is pursuing Sandra Bullock romantically. One time they went out and she “had wine and did shots!” which means somethin’. She’s taking it slowly, says a source, but no one an resist Chris Evans’ “sexy charm” for long. K. In other news, Bono and Rande Gerber are pestering George Clooney about getting married promptly. And if those two team up, well, you can’t say no to that!!! To Bono and Rande Gerber’s chagrin, George and Amal can’t pick a wedding location (they’re torn between L.A. and Italy). Elsewhere in the mag, Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third child, and she and Scott Disick are excited and happy. The baby will be born in December — a Sagittarius or Capricorn — and also this article referred to Disick as a “reformed ‘douchelord,'” which is very notable. Finally, Us interviewed Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones and she said some cute stuff about the actor who plays The Hound: “We have our own ‘egg language’ that Rory taught me. If the day is getting really long, he’ll say, ‘Are we nearly finished?’ in our language. Everyone else is like, ‘What the hell are you two doing?’ We have a good laugh.” :’)
GRADE: D- (slow as a turtle stuck in tar)
Life & Style
DESTROYED BY HIS CHEATING
Beyoncé and Jay Z’s marriage is in peril because he won’t stop cheating on her, says Life & Style. Among the women he’s allegedly cheated with are Rihanna, Rita Ora, Rachel Roy, the former Miss Belgium, etc etc. Also, a rapper named “Liv” (whose website is printed in the magazine in a parenthetical) says that Jay Z asked for her number but nothing happened. Good PR work, Liv! Anyway, this article asserts that Bey is “so sensitive and insecure” and that “her new album is all about [her and Jay’z] freaky sex life and how she’ll do anything to keep him sexually satisfied” because of that. Huh. Interesting read on that, guys. It’s very weird that this story is happening now, so many blog-years after the Solange Elevator-Gate — I guess it’s a really slow news week? Moving on: George Clooney might be running for governor of California in 2018, and he is probably a more appealing candidate now that he has an ideal Political Wife or something. That would be fun, I guess! In other news, Miley Cyrus is “obsessed” with her ex-fiance Liam Hemsworth; this story is mostly anecdotes about that time she went on a drunken rant at a gay club like 2 months ago + a photo of her looking at her phone pensively. Fascinating stuff. Elsewhere in the mag, J. Lo’s boyfriend Casper Smart is “accused of a secret relationship with a transsexual.” UM. “A transsexual”? Not cool, guys. Anyway, Casper Smart has exchanged flirtatious messages with a transgender bikini model on Instagram, leaving J. Lo feeling “betrayed,” as one does when one’s boyfriend uses Instagram direct messages — by far the sketchiest form of communication — to send flirty messages to another woman. Also, Kanye West wants to have another baby, says his stepbrother, from which Life & Style extrapolates that he got Kim pregnant on their honeymoon. Makes sense!
GRADE: F (slow as a snail on a conveyor belt moving backwards)