This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand down the street and we "read" the celebrity tabloids so you don't "have" to. This week: Demi Moore's new boyfriend is younger than her daughter's boyfriend; Nicole Richie is throwing up to stay skinny; and Beyoncé is just not feeling Kim Kardashian's wedding. I THEE DREAD. Ready? Let's do this.


This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

In Touch

DESTROYED BY GREED

UGH, NO, NOT A KATE GOSSELIN COVER STORY. So bored already. Jon Gosselin says that the eponymous eight of John and Kate Plus Eight do not like being filmed for TV, but Kate is exploiting them for money. Also, she's obsessed with fame and generally the worst. None of this is news. Moving on: Teen Mom Farrah Abraham says that doing porn has "ruined her life." It's made it hard for her to trust people, she tells her magazine — including her new boyfriend, DJ Brian Dawe. The copy says that Farrah "won't disclose what issues that couple," who have signed up for VH1's Couples Therapy, are having. (The unnammed problem: she paid him to pretend to be her boyfriend — whoops!) Elsewhere in the mag, the editors do this cute thing where they write that "Internet commenters" are calling Britney Spears fat so they themselves won't be held accountable for saying so. {Fig. 1} "As she squeezes into skimpy costumes every night in front of thousands of people, Britney can't help but miss the old days," laments the copy. It's very gross.

Grade: F (shotgun wedding with actual death threats and shotguns)


This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Ok!

REVENGE ROMANCE!

Following rumors of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis' engagement, "the stage was set for Demi [Moore] to succumb to jealous and self-pity," reads the copy. Uhh, whatever. Demi Moore is having a fling in Mexico a strapping young man named Sean Friday, with whom her daughter Rumer set her up. According to eyewitnesses, they hold hands and make out a lot. Medea herself couldn't do revenge better (???). In other news, Miley Cyrus and Kellan Lutz are "getting serious," whatever that means. They text all the time. One time she kissed him at a nightclub. The next logical step is moving in together. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are recovering from their fabricated estrangement in Cabo. They've reportedly now agreed to spend no more than a few days apart, even when they're shooting on different sides of the country — because, as we all know, love has no carbon footprint. Elsewhere in the magazine, Prince Harry is going to propose to Cressida Bonas soon. An insider at the Royal Christmas celebration (Mr. Carson?) tells the mag that the prince spent his holiday pining for Cressida; she was not allowed to attend because she's not one of the family and she wears scrunchies. As of now, the engagement is pending Queen Elizabeth's approval. (And/or declaration of "off with her head.")

GRADE: F (wedding with injuries from tent cave-in and dancefloor collapse)


This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Life & Style

WEDDING & A BABY

John Mayer is maybe going to ask Katy Perry to marry him and she's probably going to say yes and eventually they will possibly procreate. As of now, there is no wedding, and there is no baby. Exclusive! They are totally in love, though, seriously. And they drank a $40,000 bottle of champagne, which means something or other. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston's body looks as good as it did 10 years ago, according to a fitness expert. How does she do it? Well, according to the magazine, "she's super strict about what she puts in her incredible body." Then how do we explain her relationship with John Mayer? (HEY-OOOO!!!). In other news, Khloe Kardashian is balding because of stress. It also may be a result of getting her hair done and standing in places as a profession, but stress is a more interesting story. The source of her emotional turmoil: "Kris really wants Khloe to figure out what her story line on the show is going to be this year." Sigh. Next: Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have reunited, and all her friends texted her like, "WTF Selena?" according to a source. But apparently Justin just wants to make sure she's okay because she canceled her tour. So the wanton and destructive Biebs is capable of love after all. Huh.

Grade: D- (violent brawl during wedding)


This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Us

UNCOVERING DEAN'S SECRETS

Not a ton of new info here. Tori Spelling has been inconsolable ever since she found out her husband Dean McDermott is a cheating liar. He has handed over his cell phone so she can monitor his incoming texts and calls, but meanwhile she has a sitcom to film and kids to raise and her next reality show, Tori & Dean: Cabin Fever — taped last summer — starts airing this year, and she has to promote it. Her life is rough right now, okay? Let's move on. Sean Penn and Charlize Theron are still "bonding" over being parents and actors, and by "bonding" the mag means "rubbing each other up and down on a beach in Hawaii." Bachelor star Emily Maynard is engaged, and maybe the fourth time is a charm? Yes, she has had three previous fiancées. The new one is named Tyler Johnson and he gave rings to both Emily and her daughter which is not creepy? Cough? Emily got a "stack of five diamond-studded bands" instead of a single solitaire. Scintillating. Next, there's a two-page story about Demi Moore's new romance with drummer Sean Friday. The two went on vacation in Mexico with Demi's 25-year-old daughter Rumer and her 30-year-old boyfriend Jayson Blair. Demi is 51 and Sean Friday is 27, which means Demi's boyfriend is younger than her daughter's boyfriend. But whatever! The vacay pix are sunny and beachy and everyone seems like they're having fun and age is only a number, people. Last, but not least: Thomas John, a man who goes by two first names and is also Courteney Cox's psychic has some predictions about what will happen to certain celebrities in 2014. Jessica Biel will reveal she's pregnant in about three months; Taylor Swift will date someone older and not-famous; and John Mayer and Katy Perry will break up because "he hasn't changed." WOW. Maybe we all have psychic powers.

Grade: C- (teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well)


This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Star

ANOREXIC AGAIN

According to an "expert," Nicole Richie weighs 88 lbs. A "close friend" claims that Nicole has been eating meals and then heading to the bathroom to throw up; she'll come back chewing gum. She even told a friend she had to have all her teeth fixed before her wedding because she'd ruined them. Another "friend" says: "I went to give her a hug and she said, 'don't do that; I'm going to bruise.'" Eesh. So really, the "anorexic" headline should be "bulimic." Sigh. There's more here about how her skin is grey and she only eats sunflower seeds and juices and "forgets to eat" while her husband, Joel Madden, is always traveling for work (he's been working as a coach on the Aussie version of The Voice.) Anyway, even taking the story with a grain of salt, this whole thing is sad. NEXT. Carrie Underwood is taking acting lessons and "won't give up until she wins an Oscar. (Can we get a Ms. Jay gif up in here?) What else? Kim wants Beyoncé to be a bridesmaid, but Beyoncé is all OH HELL NO. She thinks the Kardashians are trashy, what with the sex tapes and crack addicts, and "doesn't even take Kim's calls. Raise your hand if you fully believe this unsubstantiated rumor. What else? Bethenny Frankel's non-rapist boyfriend's friends have nicknamed him "American Psycho." Dean cheated on Tori because they have a sexless marriage. Demi Moore is four years younger than her boyfriend's mom, but she and her new man "are great and he seems really happy, so it's all good" his brother tells a reporter who tricked him into giving a quote. There's a two-page story on "AJ McLean's New Life" for all you Backstreet Boy fans — apparently he's gone "from bad boy to doting dad." But even more fun is the forensic artist's illustration of what North West will look like when she turns 21. {Fig. 2} Kind of a cross between Nicole Scherzinger and Camille Alves, no? Question: Did the forensic artist take mom's plastic surgery into account?

Grade: C (Kimye wedding without Beyoncé)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé Refuses to Be a Kardashian Bridesmaid

Fig. 2, from Star