This Week In Tabloids: Ben May Have Knocked That Nanny Up

Tom and Suri Cruise were both in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of last week, but guess what: his people and her people never got together and planned a meeting. He did all kinds of promo for Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, but none for an ongoing reality show called Fatherhood. A source says “Tom won’t see Suri because he thinks Katie and her family are speaking negatively about him and Scientology” and that “it’s better to disconnect.” Meanwhile, Katie Holmes is “furious” over his lack of visits, Suri has likely forgotten who he is, and Chris Klein has probably been hanging around a lot.

Christine Ouzounian, Bennifer 2.0’s ex-nanny, has been “in constant contact” with Ben Affleck, and has been allowing him to pay her bills. He allegedly put her up in his “favorite luxury hotel after news of their scandalous romance broke.” Though her friend “admits [Affleck] may simply be placating Christine to avoid further scandal,” Christine is in love as hell. “She fantasizes about being Mrs. Christine Affleck and she doesn’t even think it’s weird at all….It’s so Fatal Attraction.” Whoa there, “friend”! That’s a pretty cruel and inflammatory comparison! It’s one thing to scribble a name in a notebook, but it’s another thing entirely to be a rabbit-killing maniac who refuses to be ignored!

Christina Applegate Is Me:

And Also:

• Gwen broke up with Gavin because of his “wandering eye.”
• Amal is blowing through ALL of George’s money.
• Khloe and Kourtney “refuse to go on [Caitlyn’s] show” because “they feel Caitlyn has been more open with the world than with them.”
• Robin Thicke proposed to his rebound. Maybe.
• Wear dusty pink this week or return to dust earlier than expected.
• Give yourself a beachy wave this week or get swept up in one.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You go to dinner with Amal and George and they give you a weird look when you order meat.)

Life & Style

OVERJOYED JEN…ADOPTS A BABY GIRL!

Jennifer Aniston has allegedly had quite the year! She and Justin Theroux got married in a secret ceremony, had a secret honeymoon at Sandra Bullock’s house in Austin, got pregnant, forgot about the pregnancy, and now she’s adopted a baby girl! OK, so they don’t have the baby yet, but she have Justin have signed the papers. A source says “there’s still a long way to go, [but they’ve been told they can adopt] and Jen’s happier than ever!” You hear that? Happier than EVER! She was allegedly inspired by Sandra Bullock and her adopted son Louis (allow me to remind you for the second time in this post that Bullock hosted Aniston’s alleged honeymoon in her backyard), and has already begun calling Justin Theroux (again, a reminder that they’re allegedly married) “Big Daddy.” Seems legit!

Blah blah blah more gossip about Kaitlyn and Shawn no thanks.

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are back together! Sources claim the two are reconciling because “Kourtney’s pain equals ratings gold. She’s being pushed by producers and her money-hungry momager, Kris Jenner, for the sake of her family’s TV show as ratings sink.” Or, as legal expert named Fred Mwangaguhunga claims “she makes more money if Scott stays.” Mwangaguhunga continued, “What if Scott proposes to prove how serious he is? Anything is possible.” Ain’t that the truth!

And Also:

• Calvin Harris’s exes are still sexting him.
• Mariah Carey is worried about Nick Cannon’s health.
• Ben Affleck asked ex-girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow for advice.
• Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello “will make $3M from their wedding.”
• Nick Jonas misses Olivia Culpo desperately.
• Miranda Lambert doesn’t miss Blake Shelton at all!
• Miley Cyrus is about to dump Stella Maxwell.
• It’s been weeks and I still don’t know who Stella Maxwell is.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: C- (You go to dinner with Amal and George and they ask a series of uncomfortable questions like, “So tell us the truth. Do you think we’re a good match? Do people hate us?”)

STAR

BEN AND THE NANNY: PREGNANCY SHOCKER

As we all know, ex-nanny Christine Ouzounian (I can finally spell it in one try!) is in love with Ben Affleck. But, according to Star’s trusty sources, “the feelings aren’t mutual!” After falling for him “in a big way” and “bragging about their romance,” friends are saying she has “delusions of being Ben’s next wife,” even though that couldn’t be further from a real possibility…or could it? Sources say “Ben is petrified she might be pregnant,” which “may make it difficult for him to walk away.” Ben is so nervous about a pregnancy, that he’s been “taking long elevator rides” and going on “late-night wanderings.” Finally, something juicy is coming out of this dumb story: Ben Affleck is taking sad late-night elevator rides alone.

Bill Cosby might be getting ready to flee the country. A friend of “several” victims says “he’s been so shady and flat-out dismissive of the amount of hurt he’s caused these women that they’re worried he’ll run rather than pay damages…The longer this goes on, the more tempting exile becomes.” As for where he wants to run off to, insiders seem to think Cosby has his eyes set on the Middle East. “He has friends in Saudi Arabia…his money could go a long way there.” I just. I don’t know.

And Also:

• Mariah’s getting gastric-bypass surgery?
• Joe and Melissa Gorga are “facing foreclosure.”
• Kendall is jealous of Cara’s acting career and just hired an acting coach.
• Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are getting married on November 22.
• Paula Deen and Michael Groover are getting divorced any second now.
• Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi absolutely LOVE couples therapy.
• Will Arnett absolutely LOVES his Amazon Echo.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (You go to dinner with Amal and George and when the waiter’s all, “You wanna see the dessert menu?” Amal’s like, “We’ll just take the check,” and then she glares at you.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 – In Touch

Fig. 2 – In Touch

Fig. 3 – Star